the skin

 

When the darkness surounds you
when the tears rapidly fall
I reached for you
but found nothing at all
the sorrow inside me 
is killing my soul
the madness outside
makes me want toend it all
there aren't any words that i can say
to make this pain go away
i wasn't ever gonna be enough 
why do i reach for the stars
when i never get that far
I guess i love you 
just wasn't enough
i wish that i could change
the skin God gave
truth is never clear
but i choose it over my fears
still when i speak my mind
i'm hushed and pushed aside
i could scream outloud in a crowd
And no one would respond
unimportant me has forgetten 
That i go unseen
I've  gave my best
i've lost it all
Been thru hell alone
I love him so
and let him go...
he's safer not by my side.
why do i reach for the stars
when i never get that far
I guess i love you 
just wasn't enough
i wish that i could change
the skin God gave
maybe one day-
someday- black won't be a sin

I couldn't tell you what I feel

I couldn't tell you what I feel
is it the eyes?
no...the smile
nooo....the touch....the voice....the look
paralyzed by the kindness and honesty
watching my soul be fed by the laughter
stuck in the passion of want and not having
and falling up towards the heavens
in a never-ending spiral of unrequited love

it's like an unceasing melody that changes day to day
but remains loud in  the ear drums
and plays to the beat of a heart
and the breath in the lungs
coupled with goosebumps traveling from the nape of the neck
 to the tips of the toes
the sound grows louder...
louder....still
watching---waiting for the sonata to stop
....yet, the feeling of infatuation hits like a ton of bricks
dropped from a 20 story building
and causes an unwanted death of emotional turmoil

but this is love right?
The smell that lingers when they lay in the bed
the touch that causes the body to tense up.....
the words....that takes the broken pieces and covers them in gold
no to repair the broken but to allow the beauty of the pain
to shimmer through the darkness....

I couldn't tell you what I feel....

I feel everything and nothing---transposed into melodies of not being enough and to know that I'm a fucking idiot.....

I feel everything---
the will to take off running and not look back and damn the consequences of my actions or what i'll loose
being trapped ina world where no one can tell me and I can't tell me what to feel or how to be....

Failure---I'm down....I'm lonely....I'm in love....

I just can't tell you what I feel

The mess that I am

It's been a little over 2 years since I've taken the time to stop and write. It's not been easy not getting things off my chest. I'm the Queen of self medication  ie: alcohol....
The world around me keeps changing and I feel like I'm on this rollercoaster that is out of control. I can talk about taking my life back...But I never take my own advice. I'm clinical terms I guess I'm manic depressive or some form of having bipolar disorder. Some days are great....others not so great.  I've lost many friends and realized I'm not  sure I know what loving someone truly is. I know the signs, feelings...actions. And yet, I still  walk around shattered. The question becomes : how many people  do you have to come in contact with just to love ourselves first? And the answer  is none. We don't  need people to gratify the fact that we need love. No one wants to be alone. No one wants to feel out of place and as time moves  forward we are just that. Alone. I can't remember a time until recently when I truly cared about someone...Told them I loved them and then blew up on them for not  reciprocating the same feelings.  The world keeps turning and I keep destroying myself because I'm searching for someone to love the mess I am.  I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of crying and feeling useless. I'm tired of being in so much pain that my heart can't heal. But here's the kocker...that doesn't start from loving someone else....it starts from loving yourself. And possibly finding the right medication...hehe baby steps.

As for now, I'm signing off.
Be strong. Be courageous.  And don't forget YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

Much Love

Netty

Do You like what you see in the mirror?

Ever sit and wonder what the hell you did wrong? What happened to the starry-eye child with dreams and aspirations? And then one day you wake up to drool in your armpit; a peed bed and a snoring 2 year old?  THIS IS THE LIFE! I'm not saying that i'm regretting having a child...NEVER. He is a blessing that i truly don't deserve. However, When you look into the mirror and you see the extra weight you've put on; the messy hair; the possibly dirty clothes that you might wear for the second day because you don't have a washer/ dryer hook-up in your apartment and you think damn....what the hell!

There was a time in my life when I wanted to go places and be someone and then I woke up! I woke up to bills being late and rent being behind and everything around you falling apart because hey if you don't have bad luck you have NO kind of luck at all.  Yes, to most of you this is just a ranting and raving about how sucky my life is....but that isn't my point.

My point is this.... 10 years ago i was fresh out of high school going to a great Christian college dreaming of being an actress on broadway. I wanted to be an Idina Menzel or a Sutton Foster. I wanted to share my song with the world but instead I flunked out. I wasn't a good actress. I didn't have that certain pizazz they were looking for. So i wanted to be a vocalist. But i wasn't good at that either. I took a full time job once i moved to WV working in telemarketing...woo hoo what a glorious life. But hey thanks to my amazing sister and brother in law i had a house; a working vehicle; a job and my bills were paid.  I dicked around so to speak met a great man who I wanted to spend forever with and our dreams were in sync.

BLAH BLAH BLAH! I wanted the fairy tale. I wanted the happily ever after. I WANTED TO BE SO IMPORTANT TO SOMEONE THAT THEY COULD LOVE ME JUST AS THE MESS I WAS!  Yup, I had those self conflicting issues too. But nah, we dont talk about those. We don't talk about the hard stuff. WE don't talk about the real hurt because it's just that it hurts way way to much. Some people self inflict...I drank. I drank like a fish. Been divorced over 4 years. I have a beautiful toddler and i'm still stuck. I'm stuck in the self doubt. I'm stuck in the i'm not worth it. I'm stuck in a hole that i can't find my way out of and when I've been there for everyone else....I have very very few that give 2 shits about how the hell i'm doing. Thats a rant for another day


Lets focus on this:

We are all just running this race called life seeking a prize that will get us into the promise land. We don't want to make mountains out of mole hills and still we are all just running. We are aimlessly running around. Some of us have a heading and someone of us are adrift at sea not knowing where the hell we are at...then there's ones like me....my boat is sinking quicker than i can bail out the water. So i ask you about passion; about dreams; about aspirations....about hope.

Where the hell is it? Pessimistic, eh, maybe!  I ask myself all the time why i wait for a man to love and i'm so afraid to let someone close because that means that i'm vulnerable and yet i seek that attention to want to be loved. I can love my son; I can nurture and i can discipline him. Hopefully i can raise him to be a great man...but the question becomes...at the end of the day....who's gonna hold me when I cry? Who's gonna tell me it's gonna be ok  when I need nurture? Who's gonna love me for the mess that I am?

Think about it? Turn this post onto your own life! Do you like what you see in the mirror? 

To Stay or To Go?

I sit here contemplating
To stay or to go
to hold on to the hope
that one day your love will show
but if i stay here longer
will my heart be the same?
will you still like me flaws and all
will you be there through my shames?

But if i choose to Go
i leave a piece of me behind
my heart will be broken i'm sure
because this love was undefined
yet, going would be a fresh start
to find out who i am
a chance to make a better me
to start with a brand new plan

So sitting here wondering....
what tomorrow brings...
I know who holds my tomorrow
I know who knows no shame
He's put this path before me
do i go left or right?
He knows my choice before i'll make it
He just prays I choose right.
No matter what it may be
or more what it may not.
MY God has never left me
even through all the pain i've wrought.
So as i'm standing at the crossroad
to stay or to go...
I pray that God guide me
I'm letting him take control.
I know my tomorrows are never promised
but i am in the palm of his hand
So while i let my LORD guide me....
I'll pray and I'll Stand!

I sit here contemplating
To stay or to go
to hold on to the hope
that one day your love will show
but if i stay here longer
will my heart be the same?
will you still like me flaws and all
will you be there through my shames?

And the answer is I'm listening....and waiting to take Gods Hand.

Remember

I put my sweat pants on
Throw my hair up in a messy bun
dabbed on mascara
put my shoes
and I walked out the door
Cause this wasn't home no more

The day was colder
The rain had begun to fall
i turned my car on turned the music up loud
THat song you'd sing
played on radio
and i cried
As the rain fell outside
Do you remember
when it was me and you
Time was frozen
and the skies were blue
now your nothing
my heart is broken
and i can't see thru the rain
do you remember....
Me and you.
At night as I lay down
With your tshirt hanging down
Cuddled the king sized bed
we used to share
Silence gathered round
tears never seemed to stop falling
WHY CAN'T I SHAKE THIS MEMORY?!
Those kisses i remembered
The nights we spent together
The hope I had in YOU AND ME
Now i stare into the darkness
with the smell of you that lingers
You took away the best part of me!

Do you Remember????
Oh
DO YOU REMEMBER???
OH,
Do you remember
when it was me and you
Time was frozen
and the skies were blue
now your nothing
my heart is broken
and i can't see thru the rain
do you remember....
Me and you.

How can i remember to forget

Ever have those moments when you do something that you truly think that you want to do and in the end you feel like nothing but a piece of ass?

YUP ME TOO! It's crazy to think that time can stand still for a single moment and everything feels perfect and then there's this warning going off in your head telling you that you're a complete idiot.

That seems to be an everyday occurrence for me. I gripe about not being able to keep a relationship...when the one I love is 1200 miles away. The one i want is 2 hours away....and the one i hang with is 5 minutes away. This alone makes me sound like a 'loose' woman but thats not the case.

I've come to realize that my heart is too big. I fall fast and I fall hard because i give all of who i am to the ones that make me feel safe. Love is a very scewed kind of emotion...action... it's something that most people cling to in order to feel something...no wait thats infatuation.

Either way no matter how's it's broken down there are still those moments that make everything feel so good and so real. And yet, I'm the breaker of my own heart. I'm ready to settle down but i'm unsure about bringing a man into my son's life because i'm a packaged deal. If a man treats me poorly how is he gonna treat my son?

And now to the title....How can i remember to forget.

This is actually a song.  I'll post the video soon. However, we as women are overly emotional creatures.  I fight every battle because i want to understand why something is the way it is. If you are mad at me ... please tell me why and explain...don't just clam up and walk away because then i'm gonna press the issue more. health comes down to the fact that not everybody is perfect you want to think that people are perfect and that things can happen the way they're going to happen and we are going to just stop time being who we are but in the end it's a bunch of crap. you have to find who you are in yourself and we don't. I can sit here and I can drink a case of beer and feel great for a moment. But who's to say but after that moment is gone that we are going to feel something more. the song how can I remember to forget is actually from a musical go figure. Its a song about Amanda cheated on her and she's getting ready to get married only in my life I was the one that cheated. I couldn't believe the lies I couldn't believe the mind boggling stopping points. But the love was real. The love is something that doesn't ever go away. You want so much in your life to be that good person and to have those dreams and to make the plans and to have the kids and you... You forget. you forget your own aspirations you forget who you are. And in the end when a bombshell is dropped on you you don't know if he's and whether that attack that explosion. Or if you're going to walk away and stand tall. In the past couple of days there's been some things that have just rocked my world. They have been things that or unexpected, surprising, irritating and definitely heartbreaking.

the point I'm trying to make is that we don't never forget what is wrong with us. We don't never forget the love that we feel. It never goes away. I know my son was made in a moment of love what time of love I guess you could say. Who you are is who you are. my heart is so big and so full of life then I want to share it with everybody. And then return not everybody is ready to share that love with me. I've kind of made a vow to myself to to just be me. I don't care what anybody else is going to think of me. I just want to be the best mother that I can be. I want to be the best friend that I can be. I want to be the best worker that I can be. I want to be the best soldier that I can be. And if people can't handle Who I am then they don't deserve to know me the real me. I've spent too much of my life being there for everybody else and when I need somebody nobody is there. It's time to take that step to be the mom that I choose to be and to raise my son in a manner of which he still has a big heart. And I hope that in the song then I can find a way to forgive those that have broken my heart; to love those that mistreat me...and to still be the strong woman everyone sees. 

How can I remember to forget? Truth is....we never do.