One month Five days

This has been already a crazy month. Well it was a crazy month past tense. Things have been shaky and rocky and down right seemingly impossible. But i realized that i'm making it. I don't have the best of the best. I don't make a lot of money. I don't have expensive things...but praise God there's food on my table theres heat in my apartment. i have a job. I'm leaving for boot camp in a little over a month. Things are great. Well maybe not great but they are good. They have come full circle. i'm realizing that I'm finding my way. I have a great support in WV and I have a good support in Mi, Cali, NY...all over. Im utterly blessed.  I checked yesterday and i'm down officially 104 lbs. I don't know what i did when i was 100lbs heavier. I feel great. I'm in the best shape of my life and now it's just taking it one day at a time to keep moving forward. I can't place blame for my screw ups because i can own up to my mistakes. I can't place blame for people hating me because thats the least i deserve. So to those that I know hate me and don't like me I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me. Right now the path that I'm on is being positive and to keep pushing myself to do bigger and better things to get places and to be somebody. I'll lay my life down for anyone of my friends and even a perfect stranger. I will find that greatness within me and I will continue to soar through life. I may not ever get remarried and I may not ever have children but know that I'll be looking for opportunities to be a better woman; girlfriend; friend; sister; Aunt; cousin....Falling in love is the easy part. It's the staying in love thats the problem but i know that if i'm loving me and God loves me than i don't need anyone else to give me the pity party of why i can't/shouldn't believe in God. He's not left me. I left him but circumstances change. The heart can change. That love may never leave but it doesn't mean that i can't pick up the pieces to my heart and let God mend them. So in one month and five days...my life will be changing again. I will protect and serve the country and home that I love. And for me...thats enough.

Be blessed

Blink of an Eye

It's funny how things change
in the blink of an eye
that decisions we make can mold us
make us foolish or make us wise
I thought that things would be different
that i'd have a gaggle of kids
but instead i'm Military bound
To serve and protect the lives we live
I wanted to blame someone
Especially my God.
I didn't want to admit
that I was wrong with things in my life
I sabotage the good things
then can't let them go
I hold onto the bad things
this is just an awful cycle i know
I shifted my life in circles
I wanted to make everyone pay
So I said and did things that I wasn't suppose to
To make them feel my pain
In the end i've realized that
this is my destructive path
That i may be hurting others
but i'm ripping away the good that i have
I want to see the sunshine on these darkened days
 I want to catch the fireflies after the summers rain
I want to see the stars as beautiful as they are
I want to hear the laughter as the children play in the yard
the scales are slowly falling
from my eyes so I can see
That with everything that happened yesterday
this is where i'm meant to be.
Time is always constant
but we as a people we change
so I give my Lord my everything
because these mistakes, these mishaps, these trials
keep making me strong.
I'll admit that some days are harder
but I'm keeping my head up
And God is making me stronger
So i will get thru this test!

Prayers appreciated

Looking in the mirror the last few days. I don't recognize who i am. I'm on this destructive path that I'm not sure what to do. So since i've deactivated my facebooks and will be deactivating my twitter.
Prayers are appreciated.thanks

Me and the Lord

Listenin to the music
that sets my soul aflame
deep within my stomach
the butteflies they came
i don't know what it is
that sets my spirit free
something deep inside me
makes me happy to be me
i remember when i started
to sing the lullabies
to rock the children gently
hold them close when they cry
It gave me a purpose
to keep singing my song
hope that tomorrow
i could help make them strong
but as they got older
the music seemed to change
more focused on my heart
more focused on the pain
i didn't sing the children to sleep
i didn't sing at all
i felt all hope was lost
til i truly found the Lord
And though i don't praise him enough
the songs remain the same
the soothing of my heart
the lullabies they came
not to calm a child
but to calm my very soul
that deep within my heart
my soul began to glow.
So with every nightmare
i sing me back to sleep
the lullaby of peace
a lullaby of grace
He holds me in his arms
and keeps me safe and warm
no other man do I need
it's just Me and the Lord

No more hold on me

I'm taking all the power back
i won't let you see
me cry my stinking eyes out
because you can't stand me.
I am just one woman
i'm beautiful smart and fun
I'm deteremined to get over you
i'm focused on being done
Although i admit this moment
is somewhat bittersweet
i've been knocked down to many times
Now i'm standing on my own feet
I did what I wanted
I drank some years off my life
I did who i wanted
but it was all for spite.
In the end it don't matter
cause she can have those seconds
she have the broken promises
she can have those angry moments
You can't control my life
and i will speak whats on my heart
Don't worry baby, your secrets safe
I don't want to cause you any 'strife'
Todays a new day closing
and i spent most of it thinking bout you
but no more will i be your cake
that you can have whenever you want to
i'm done blaming everyone
this time its just you n me
But don't come knocking
when the i told you so's come out
cause I won't be there
and you aint got no more hold on me!

The wake up call

The sun is shining outside though the wind is whipping around like mini tornados through the streets. I just look up and realize how much of my life i feel like i've wasted. Like all that time molding and changing and forming who i am to be better for the person that I love the most to realized that you were just used in his sick twisted game as a pawn that he could move/have/ do whatever he wanted to whenever he wanted to. I'm not saying that I didn't allow it..what i'm saying is at what point do you stop hoping that they show up at your door? or that they drive past your house? At what point will feeling better today be in the forcast for whatever you have in store? I mean don't get me wrong i like to go out and meet new people and I love hanging out...but i'm ready to settle down. Not in the aspect of get remarried or anything but in the aspect of giving up the partying and the smoking and the bad decisions. I've burned a lot of bridges but i think now the one that I needed to burn has finally been burned. I believe that it's been burned to the point that if we ever had the chance to start over that my heart would tell me yes but my mind and soul though they are still connected would tell me no. The lies; the broken promises; the secret i love yous; the your crazy; all the mean things i've  been called...etc...the list goes on and on. I'm finally gettin the wake up call. I'm gettin the message that for months and months before i moved out that I was allowing myself to be led on. I still cry myself to sleep. I still try and pray. I still hope that he'd come back. But if he did i don't know what i'd do! I don't know how i'd handle myself. I don't know how i'd be able to go back to who I was and be that optimistic person that i was and saw the world thru all the good. I may not ever be able to make another love connection with anyone. Not in the way that they deserve. So i guess that means that he wins. I'm the best thing for him. But i'm also the worse thing for him. But this isn't about him anymore. It's not about what was. It's about the fact that God willing He shows me how to be without that someone by my side. that i can look at each day thru new eyes. That I'll be able to keep picking myself up when i fall. That i can learn to love all over again. This is my wake up call.

The moment of truth

It's come to the realization that people don't know who I am. This girl right here that seems to have a roller coaster of a blog. The girl that knows what life is about and who had to learn the hard way in order to get to where I am. The road has most certainly not been an easy one but it is the one that i chose. Many people think that I'm a wayward Christian. That i only preach it when i'm on fire for God. Thats what people see. Thats what they want to say well she's living in sin so why should i listen to her? Thats a very good point. For the most part they are right. I do live somewhat of a sinful life. I drink; I smoke; I hang out in bars... i'm always with someone but i'm always lonely. (with someone as in friends) Usually if i'm bringing something up from the bible it just means that I've been there. I've walked that path and I know what it's like when you look up and see how much of your life is wasted on the stupidity that you've let it. A lot of people think that since my divorce i've gone a little crazy. And that may be slightly true...but don't we all have a little crazy in us? Thats what makes us who we are...what we've been thru have made us or has broken us. I was broken for a long long time. I'm just now able to get up and smell the roses. I gave up a life that i didn't think that i wanted by sabotaging it. Though truth is I never fully did the acts that i was accused of that resulted in my divorce...i did cheat in my heart. I wanted to but when the time came to do it...i pulled up a picture of how happy and how wonderful it was to finally have found someone that saw me past my pain and my short comings. No i'm not saying that my life was perfect. By no means was it...but it was great to know that someone cared enough about me to want to teach and help me. life lessons...reality checks...real love...truth...honor and commitment. I know that I'll get ripped a new one for even talking about my marriage but it's time to come clean. Not that i have to come clean to you but this is my journey. this is my new adventure. This is my life and how I deal with things. I'm not going to stop glancing in the rear view mirror because it makes people upset. my life isn't about making people upset though it happens more often than not. I'm one person. I can't change the world alone...i can only change me. 

    As for now, with everything for the Army National Guard it's completely exhilarating  I love it. I love that it's pushing me emotionally; physically; and psychologically. I'm learning something new every day and in due time I will be more than I am. I'm so excited. And i have such a positive outlook on life that there's no stopping this momentum. I know that this is the best option for me. I know that tomorrow is never promised but now it gives me something to look forward too. I may not be the best christian in the world...but I love God with all my heart all my mind and all my soul. I fall short daily. I love til it hurts and I give when I have nothing. I've loved one man with a passion and a fire so deep and bright that I don't want to love another again. And i won't. I'm one woman who is on a mission to continually change herself and mold herself into the woman that God wants me to be. I'm not afraid of being hurt or being lonely because there is always someone with me. He loves me for me. I am a daughter of a might King. And thru my short comings and my failures he still loves me. This is who I am. You can either support me and pray for me or you can leave me be. But know that I'll be praying for you. Whether or not i know you. This is my truth. This is my certainty. This is my life. I may wander the world alone because i let that love slip away but know that I'd rather wander it alone than pretend to love someone who's in love with me. I will be great. I will conquer. I will Thrive. Maybe not here in West Virginia but I will be great wherever I am and wherever God leads me.

I spent a year and half being jealous of women who i thought took my place. And in some aspects they have.  but the good times being as good as they are, are what i remember. The pain is gone. I hurt comes and goes. But i know that in my heart of hearts that only time will tell. What will be will be. I don't want to keep doing what i've been doing just to keep getting what i get. As the wonderful Yoda would say: Do or do not...there is no try. SO I'm doing and sometimes i fail...but i'm not discouraged because i'm learning on the way.

The moment of truth...take me for who I am not what you see!

This time

How many times
do i have to stand alone
how many times do i have to
sit and mope
why do you think
that I matter to you
when all this time
you've left broken and blue

This time
i'll be standing
up strong
this time
I know where i belong
And you aren't here
anymore

What made you think
that i couldn't handle myself
when i wanted to be near you
you left me in the cold
I prayed all night
that you'd keep me warm
and still those nights
you were gone

This time
I'll be standing up strong
This time I know where I belong
This time you won't bring me down
all because you aren't here
right now


Thru the years
thru the tears
thru the ups and the downs
I loved you more than life itself
thought i tried to change
I wasn't being me
this time I'll be all that i can be


This time
i'll be standing
up strong
this time
I know where i belong
And you aren't here
No, YOU aren't here
You'll never be here
anymore....

Never give up

I was standing in the rain today
as the sleet smacked my face
silently a tear slipped down my cheek

my body ached from head to toe
my car was doors were frozen shut
and all i could think of is
"is this really how today is going to go?'

So i took the time just to look up
I looked to the heavens
where i know my strength comes
I looked up and You were there

I don't ever want to let this go
I don't want to lose you
I will push harder
i will push myself past my limits
But I will never give up

I finally got my doors open
slid into my car every muscle tensed up
as i turned the car on
Go hard or Go home played
And all i could think was


I don't ever want to let this go
I don't want to lose you
I will push harder
i will push myself past my limits
But I will never give up

can only do better

the day was warm
the air chilled
i marched to the course
with high hopes
every step my body ached
my heart pounded
my mind raced
my soul cried out to God
Lord please let me not die
one by one we ran
step for step
breath for breath
heartbeats racing
its started.
slowly my body
bends and bows
creaks and aches
but i push on
if i had wings i could fly.
fly high above the clouds
but this run feels like flying
finishing the turn eyes upon God
ready to puke
kidneys cramping
but i finished...
sweat pouring down my face
not my best
yet, I pushing to be better.
i cant do anything but better.
i will not fail. It's not an option.

A Little bit of courage

A little bit of courage
Can go a long long way
To step out of our comfort zone
To let our lives be changed
To crawl through the window
As the last door has been shut
To start a brand new novel
To keep reaching for the stars
With the little bit of honor
We thought was once lost
To feel it reignited
By the momentary thoughts
But as i stand encouraged
My whole life is about to change
To bring forth new challenges
My courage, my honor...my life
Will never be the same.

The Life Changer

Someone told me once that I have the tendency to be on Fire for God but it doesn't last. I guess in a way they were right. But when all is said and done my salvation isn't through them. It's not through what they think.Once judgement day comes around it's me that I have to worry about. NOt me and the whole wide world.
  A good friend of mine sat and talked with me. He listened. I talked. And talked....and talked. I know I talk alot but this was more than a lot for me. There was confirmation on a few things; there was weights lifted off of me. There was a healing inside of me. I thought that God was mad at me for the things i did in the past but he remembers them no more. I am a daughter of an Amazing King. He loves me and will treat me as such. I wanted to be mad at things and i wanted to hurt people but I don't have that urge anymore. I don't have the urge to be loud and obnoxious. I don't want to tell people off. I want to keep my thoughts my own, i want to keep my prayers going for people continually. No , i'm by no means perfect. But I am striving to be better than I was yesterday. I am striving to soar thru life loving everything about me. I am Striving to live up to the covenant that I have between God and what he has promised me. I am loved so deeply by Him that there is no man on this earth that can take his place. If you want me...you have to take the God in me as well. I wanted to end my life because of the hurt that was deep within me. I wanted to stop living because i didn't know how to deal with the situations of my life...but now, I want to live so that I can make today amazing and i can look forward to tomorrow even though tomorrow isn't promised. My life has Changed. I have changed! I don't want to go back to what I was. I don't want to keep doing what I always did. I want to push to be so much better than that. It's me and God. And I am striving to live my life as such. He is my Life-Changer.

Today is Mine

Taking that step
moving along
keepin my head up
trying to be strong
the day is mine
to conquer with you
there's no need to cry
i refuse to be blue
I can sing all the songs
that make me upset
but instead
i'm standing with
no regrets
The day is mine
i'm getting through
though my minds
all jumbled
with whats left to do
i can't live my life
under a microscope
i can't take back the
things that i've wrote
the bridges i've burned
there was a point
theres no blame to place
for all the hurt
i'm just being me
the only way that i know
not falling on my face
or putting people low
the chapter is ended
i'm turning the page
I'm living for me
cause
there's no day but today.
so please
don't let me stop your life
because i'm living with
hurt and strife
I'll survive and so will you
the joy that i'm making
is through the steps i've had to take
through the pain i had to feel
through all my mistakes
the day is mine
and i'll live it as i see fit
and for you haters...
get over yourselves
Cuz i'm done with you
this is my life
not yours
I'm going to rise to greatness
and you'll have nothing to do with it.
SO i'll keep taking that step
moving ahead
not looking back
not being sad
i'll be just fine...
I always am
but don't you forget it
Today is mine

He gave me

He gave sunshine
After the rain
He gave me medicine
When i was in pain
He walked me thru the darkness
Cause he's the light
He gave me peace
Thru my sleepless night
But thru his ultimate sacrifice
He gave me hope
He took on my hurt
And i thought he was a joke
Yet, now thru the storm
He's given me new life
He renewed my strength
Helped me back in the fight.
So now I'll give him everything
Although he needs no part of me
My Jesus my Savior
Has shown me what it means to be free.

60 days from now

sixty days from now

the memories will fade

i'll be in a regiment 

i'll be in some pain

I won't even look back

at what once was

cause in sixty days

i'll never know we loved

I won't remember the wedding

i won't remember the fights

i won't remember the thunderstorms

when you'd hold me so tight

I'll keep my word

because honor is what I have

but just know that sixty days from now

at one point in my life

you were all that i had.

I'll sacrifice it all

to be more than i am

knowing you'll never be mine

i've found a new plan

I'll keep moving forward

with my military goals

You won't even know it

because this won't be my home.

I won't look back...

i'll keep moving forward

I'll never say I love you again

...sixty days from now

Walking away

Walking away
from the life i thought i knew
taking the new chances
flying where the sky is blue
my heart still can't take
her wrapped up in your arms
for all the mistakes i made
for all the times i did you harm
It's time to just cut my losses
to wipe away the tears
it's time to put my big girl pants on
and find someone elses arms
I know that you don't want me
And you want no one else to have me
but i'm ready to be loved the way i need to be
i'm ready to love him too.
So walking away from you aint easy
my heart is on the floor
but i'm leaving my heart
where you left me....
broken as i walked out the door.

Blaming myself

The weirdest feeling in the world was when i got the phone call for work this morning. I just walked into the gym. So i ran  half mile in 4 minutes. Thats not bad. Wasn't winded or anything. Grabbed my clothes and walked out the door. I would have thought that my mind wouldnt play tricks on me because the night before i had just got on my knees and prayed to God. Prayed for guidance, patience, courage and strength. I prayed for the one i love who i walked away from. Prayed that i made the right decision and that if it be Gods will to fix what hope in me thats died.  So as I'm racing home to change clothes for church. There he goes...driving ahead of me. My heart stopped. My hands got sweaty my stomach was filled with butterflies. And i didn't even talk to him. I just glanced at him as i passed him. I never asked God to bring him around. I never asked for a sign. But it was comfirmation to my prayer. Then in church it was talking about building a home. And the message was about everything i needed to hear.
To the girl....
When i needed a friend you were there. Standing by me pretending to be my friend. And suddenly you've become this person who's heart i never thought could be so ugly. I may not like you and you may say nasty ugly things about me and I've done the same about you. I'm sorry. I was wrong for playing that high school game. I forgive you...and one day i hope you can forgive me.

To the one i love:
I am so sorry that i wanted you to be as miserable as i was. I was greedy and selfish. Everything that i did wrong in our relationship i cant take back. I cant change what hurt you are trying to overcome. I want you to be happy even if that means without me. But please...let me go. If you truly don't want to be with me than give me your blessing so i could maybe one day love another. We will never be as we were. One flesh we will always be in our souls. You will always be my husband and my true love that i took for granted. Know that i will always carry you on my heart. Just like my 5 leaf clover. I know what the deal is pickle...I hope one day we will be friends. And we can look past the hurt and to what we have in front of us. Two hard headed people who are meant to be best friends :)

We can't change what tomorrow brings by Gods grace we are forgiven and made white as snow for yesterdays mistakes. I know how to love. I know how to forgive. But i dont want to forget what and who made me who i was and who i am today. Gods blessed and i resolve to give him everything i have.

Hurt him

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTyT2B9Sa80

The song that i posted is called And So it Goes...By Billy Joel

but this is all i'm writing about for my heart

The night before beckons
deep within my soul
the laughter and the joy
that makes me almost feel whole
I have a man who loves me
and will give me the world
he wants to take care of me
make me his girl
but deep down i can't let him
cuz i can't give him my heart
it's a piece of me thats protected
it keeps me from falling apart
every morning i wake up
reliving things of the past
making it more difficult
to find a love that i'll let last
I don't want to hurt him
i don't want to let him in
i'm already invested
but i'm sabotaging this thing
i don't know who to turn to
I don't feel God in me
I am confused hurt and wishing
things had happened differently.
I want to say i love him
but i don't know that for sure
i want to be someones girl
but not the first man i fall for
And so i'll sit in silence
trying not to cry
that my heart is someone elses
i'm afraid now, that it'll never be mine.

Just doin me

Over time we stand before the mirror and do we really like what we see? do we want to take the time to realize our regrets our hurts our pain? I don't want to look in the mirror anymore because I know who I am. I am a broken hearted...strong willed woman who has been still to this day living under the shadow of a man that she is no longer with. I can't handle the turmoil this brings to my life and I can't handle the people that are in his life. So form this day forward this is about me. I am pushing and striving to be better for me. No man is gonna change me or control me. Even if i love them; they aren't going to tell me what i can or can't do. They aren't going to expect me to be perfect because i never will. I will love deeper. Live longer. Soar higher than he will ever know. But i won't be doing it to please him. I'm just doin me!

forbidden love...older poem from 2007

a cold hand
touches my shoulder
the meer touch
sends chills down my spine
the forbidden kisses
graze over my neck
and i remember why your mine

in the dark we cant see
what the other is thinking
we cling to each other
like white on rice
these are the moments
that last forever
the forbidden love
thats you and i

i tried to get my barings
in the silence of the room
my heart beating rapidly
with my every move
i feel your body
envelope mine
tears of joy escape
i cant believe what
i took time to find

in the dark we cant see
what the other is thinking
we cling to each other
like white on rice
these are the moments that last forever
the forbidden love
you and i

Little moments

It's those little morning moments
when the sun begins to shine
that joy is overwhelming
and peace comes from inside
I love those special moments
when you are on my mind
makes me forget all the bad things
that plague this heart of mine
You are omnipresent
and always in my heart
You lift me up
out of the darkness
you've mended my broken heart
I love you more than anything
that this materialistic world has to offer
I know that deep within me
You are my true father
Oh Lord, how i thank you
for the sunshine through this rain
gives me hope in tomorrow
that it wont be the same as yesterday
But today Lord I thank you
for the peace within my heart
Thank you for your presents
I pray we'll never be apart
So like those little moments
when you soar within my soul
i pray they never end
And you bring sunshine to the world.

Singing through the pain

The days blur together
the never seems to change
the moments that lasted forever
are quickly fading away
i dont know what tomorrow holds
or what today has to bring
All i know is that What i want
to just to be singing
Singing through the sorrow
the hurt and the pain
singing in the sunshine
and singing through the rain
the song never seems
to quick reach my lips
the song of unending joy
the happiness the bliss
so to start the days off right
i open up my mouth
to push forth the sound
that wells inside my heart
it's an overflowing joy
that no words can express
but still no sound can come
and my mind won't seem to rest
There are memories
i'd like to get across to the world
moments of exuberance
moments of the calm
the times that i remember
seem so far away
that i'll sing through this sorrow
this hurt and this pain

6 years and counting: the recollection of it all

I sat here for a long time and tried to weigh out the goods and bads for the last year. Honestly, there are so many things that i'd like to express but i just don't know how to. I don't know how to form the words to make it known what is going on inside. As of today, Jan 1 2013, I have been in WV for 6 years. the first year was  a year of new experiences . And thats when i met the man i knew from the moment he acted a fool that I was suppose to grow old with. But things have changed. I've been divorced now almost 8 months and it still seems a little surreal to me that it's actually happened. Its crazy to think that now that I'm single and down 95 lbs that people notice me. How sad? It's sad that when you are heavier but still a good person people don't see you. But i guess thats what I loved about my ex husband. He saw me when I couldn't even see myself. yes, there were some bad times but overall we had a good solid relationship. So now, 6 years into WV, I leave for Boot Camp in March. I live on my own and work like a dog. Which i know i will for the rest of my life but this year it's just been stepping up and taking a chance on things that i would normally never do. It's about trying out new things and finding a way to fill a void that truly only God can fill. My mom brought me a painting that my Bupa did. IT's just a picture of an old mill. And everyday i look at it and Thank God that i was blessed with such amazing Grandparents. My Nana the last time I saw her told me...you guys are meant to be together. But you have to keep God first and wait out this storm. Guess that didn't go to plan because a month after I got divorced she passed away. The biggest honor i could have ever done was to sing at her Funeral. And I sang. With all that I had because i didn't get a chance to sing for her before i moved back to WV. I know that shes up there watching over me. I know it I can feel her all around me just like the holy spirit. Shes my guardian angel.
So this year i'm going to do my best to push myself more than ever. TO love deeper, Sing more often, To dance like no one is watching and to just live. Too many times we don't truly live unless in the face of danger. Well I can't change my yesterdays. and I can't predict the future....So I'm going to live today as if i can die tomorrow.