A 5 leaf clover

I wanted just a token
to remember what i love
the children that had blessed me
who went to other homes
i wanted something special
that i could call my own
to remind me of the good times
when i'm far from home

A 5 leaf clover
lies close to my heart
the one i love found it
and gave it to me from the start
those times that are no more
now rest upon my heart
a simple 5 leaf clover
to know that love was what we are

She was tiny when she was born
and weak in her own way
but i sang her to sleep softly
i held her close to me
I've lost her twice in this lifetime
but God knows my heart
now she's forever with me
although we're far apart

That simple 5 leaf clover
that hardly anyone has found
was a gift from one person
who i love and hate can never abound
this simple 5 leaf clover
that lies upon my heart
keeps me believing that
in time i can start...

I can start being me
and loving the life i live
i can hope that tomorrow is better
that the yesterdays nightmares that play
of all the things i did
that were completely wrong
He knows my heart is always his
and that 5 leaf clover makes me strong

He doesn't know the effect
that he has upon my heart
that the times that seem so far away
i relive them every night
The love i feel inside of me
is never gonna change
the rarity of something so special
my life will never me the same...


A 5 leaf clover
lies close to my heart
the one i love found it
and gave it to me from the start
those times that are no more
now rest upon my heart
a simple 5 leaf clover
to know that love was what we are

dont come around anymore

I feel like the floor has fallen out from under me
i feel like my heart is shattered like glass
i cant imagine this craziness around me
I can't believe the thought that
relationships dont last
i really truly care for you
but the time has come and gone
a short relationship we had
but now it's all done
I do want to thank you
for the laughs and all the smiles
i want to thank you for the times
that you held me when i cried
I just can't live
a lie anymore
I'm in love with another
and you don't come around anymore

Christmas Prayer

My Christmas Prayer is simple
on this rainy Christmas eve
I pray that everyone
be around people that make you happy
I hope that deep in your hearts
theres a hope that still can grow
that the inner child among us
will have that Christmas glow.
I pray for the broken hearted
the tired and the meek
I hope that can somehow
within themselves find peace
I pray for my fellow soldiers
who are defending what we love
May your days be filled with merriment
with joy and lots of love.
And as for those closest to me
to you i pray this pray
may we continue to love each other
may we always for each other be there
Whether its raining snowing or sunny
Lets enjoy this blessed day
That we always remember
the specialness of this day
May we all find that inner love
deep inside our hearts
to forgive those that have hurt us
forgive those who tore us apart
That we can all pray for one another
and still remain friends and family
even though we may not all be blood
I send my love to you all

on this special Christmas day.

The Wedding dress

I looked at my wedding dress
it brought back memories.
ones that i had forgotten
ones that made my happy
I forgot the antique beading
and the lacy sleeves
i forgot about the blue cake icing
that he wiped on my sleeve
I remember picking it out
just my sister and me
I thought itd take forever
to find the one that fit perfectly
I was nervous and anxious
so proud to be engaged
i never thought in a thousand years
that i'd be marrying a country man
We picked a few dresses
but this one caught my eye
the ivory colored material
the beading and the size
I was so excited
when i got to take it home
the dress fit so perfectly
I would be the bride
no one would know
The day i walked down the isle
to see my husband to be
I was surprised he had a tie on at all
or matching shoes on his feet
The moment he put that ring on my finger
the whole world seemed to change
The day i became a Mrs.
I wanted things to never change
It's funny when a memory
reminds you of all that was.
I have to let go of this old Wedding dress
But I can't just yet.
Deep inside of me
i know that things are done
but this was the one piece of me
that doesn't have me undone
so for today i have this wedding dress
with the antique beading and lace
It sits in my closet as a reminder
That one decision can change your fate.

Old Blue

She aint pretty
Shes fallin apart
She sometimes smokes
but shes part of my heart
Shes a beast on wheels
with a cadillac smooth ride
she often smells
but shes mine all mine

NO matter how much
you think shes a death trap
no matter how much rust she has
she's my perfect little care
that gets thru anything
shes my favorite car
My Lebaron Old Blue

She sometimes breaks down
in the most inconvenient places
She can take a beating
She has trouble braking
She likes long trips
through the woods of WV
She may look like crap
But shes mine all mine


NO matter how much
you think shes a death trap
no matter how much rust she has
she's my perfect little care
that gets thru anything
shes my favorite car
My Lebaron Old Blue

Over the Bull!

This song has been playing in my head all day. I spent most of last night at work crying my eyes out because i didn't know what else to do. I am so sick and tired of people telling me how awful of a wife/person/friend I have/had been. I'm tired of people trying to bring me down by talking trash about me. Why should i care. In the bible is says that we are to abstain from the appearance of evil. How can i when everywhere i turn theres something else against me. I don't care anymore. I don't care. I am tired of woman being jealous over nothing. My business if any is with my ex husband not with you. You have nothing to worry about get over it! next i'm tired of people telling how i should live my life and who i need to have in my life. I'm grown. I know what is good for me and what isn't good for me. Finally...If i'm trusting you with what i'm feeling don't tell me that i'm stupid for who i love. because the reasons that i love them are different than the reasons that you know about that make you hate them. I am a very compassionate person. Im a very caring and kind person. But i'm at my wits end. I can't take it anymore. I have people gossiping behind my back because i'm talking crap about my ex. Than i have people telling me to my face that who i love is no good for me. Then i have the other side who is stalking me saying that i'm nothing but a Lyin' B*T**! I've had enough. This is my life to live. Not yours. Who I love. Who i sleep with. Where I go is all up to me. The minute that you realize that i don't give to craps about you is a good day for everyone. So if you have something that you'd like to say to me. MAN UP and SAY IT TO MY FACE!

That is all!

Simply me

NOTE: This is NOT WRITTEN TO OFFEND ANYONE! YOU TAKE IT HOW YOU WANT TO. IT WAS JUST WRITTEN FROM A LOT OF WHATS GOING ON IN MY HEAD. THIS IS NOT ABOUT ANYONE IN PARTICULAR!

To you i may not be the most beautiful

or have the perfect hair

i may look a mess often

I may act dumb and make people stare

but who do you think you are

telling me who i need to be

why should i start living

because you think my silence means peace

I've had a broken heart

i've been down in the dumps

i've drank to much at one time

i'm hung out with lots of chumps

don't tell me what i need to do

and who i need to be

because at the end of the day

you aren't here

my worry's are to between God and me

please don't think i'm shattered

because i don't follow what you think i should do

don't tell me that i'm running

when you haven't walked in my shoes

My life isn't under a microscope 

for you to pick apart

you said that you don't need me

that i wasn't welcome in your heart.
Well let me make this very clear

to those that think your god

I'm just the same plain boring girl I was

from the very start

i'm crazy cool and funny

obnoxious to the core

i don't have a problem 

with showing you the door

don't think for one second that i won't stand my ground

So get over yourself.

stop worrying bout what i'm doing

I just simply wish you well.

I'm not perfect!

I have sat down and thought long and hard about the last few months. The things that I've done that i'm not proud of; the people that I've hurt in my past. The people that I've hurt now in the present and this is the only thing i can come up with. So please read all of this before you jump to conclusions on who i write about or am writing about because this is solely about me.

I am not perfect. By no stretch of the imagination do i know everything. I don't even want to know everything. I don't say the right things. I don't do the right things. I make hasty decisions and I have some deep rooted anger issues from emotional scars. I have hurt every single person I care about. In one way or another they may not know it but I have. There are so many things in my life and on my plate right now that my focus is to get a way for just a little while so that I can become a more respectful; honest; honorable person. Many thing that joining the military means that I'm running away from everything in my life that I cant handle. In some ways that is true. But in the process of joining the military and I have found a love for life that is so exquisite that I don't want to do anything but soar. I am pushing my body and my mind to the limit. I am broadening my horizons by doing something that I dreamed of when I was a child. I used to think that because I'm adopted that I would end up a crack whore just like my biological mother. Yes, to you that may sound harsh but thats what she was. I've run from hard situations. I've sabotaged good relationships. I've broken many many hearts. I'm not proud of that. I've sacrificed more of me to gain the approval of others and in return it was like making a deal with the devil. You may not like me. You may not even know who I am. You may think that i'm the most obnoxious person you've ever heard or read about. Thats fine. I can't be anyone but Netty. This is my life to live. It's not the life that everyone around me should be running and gossiping about what i'm doing. If you are so concerned with my life maybe it's a deep rooted hurt thats in you that you get a kick out of trying to make my life a living hell. I've walked through hell many times. And by the grace of God I've found my way out. But only through God did i do that. So for the people that think that I am nothing. Thats fine. because i'm a somebody to God. And the day that you realize that your life should not revolve around my life is a day that you can start seeing the light. There are so many good men that have come into my life that I have broken. Not because i didn't like them...but because I was afraid of myself. I was afraid of getting my heart broke. I was afraid of what it would feel like to love. I know how to love. But i don't know how to accept love. So all of you that think that Karma is gonna come and get me...thats ok. The story is written but the journey is traveled  I'm travelling down this road with God beside me. I may stray I may get lost in the woods. Yet, somehow I find my way back to the road. If you have a problem with me. I'm sorry but those issues are between you and God. All i know is that my salvation isn't worth your drama. Do me a favor. I'm gonna be praying for all of you. but pray for me. Pray for yourselves and seek God. My little old average life is nothing without God. And you should all be focusing on your own life...instead of focusing on the situation at hand.
Find you a good woman or man and hold onto them. Whatever problems FIX THEM. Listen. Communicate. I had a good man once. And I broke the trust and shattered his heart because i wouldn't listen and i didn't know how to communicate. So if they are a good person....hold on to them. because we never know what tomorrow brings and today may be all we have.

I'm done for now. Be blessed. Keep ya heads up!

Never knew you

What happened to the good times
the ones i used to love?
The moments of pure bliss
the ones sent from above?
I dno't remember them now
they have all faded away
I don't remember what I loved about you
Everything has gone gray.
But i do remember the hole
in the bedroom wall
where you got so mad you punched it
and I cried through it all
I remember being left behind
walking on the trails
I remember the day you slammed me
hard against the railing
i didn't even move a muscle
those moments were scary
Its hit and miss with the starlight
The good memories are like shooting stars
They come and in a moment they are gone
And those moments are the ones that break my heart.
I dont remember walking down the isle
or what your face looked like
I dont remember your cologne
or how you held me on stormy nights
The pain is all that remains
deep within my heart
But those memories are what i remember
of how we fell apart.
I knew i was never good enough
to be your loving wife
no matter what i supported you in
I was just the nagging type.
Your house wasn't spotless
And my cooking wasn't good
I know that most of the car rides
I was cornered by your angry mood
So tell me what should i remember?
The bad things about you?
It's gonna have to be the only thing i have
because it turns out that I never knew you.

Soldier in The United States Army National Guard

I know that these past few weeks as I have written have been trying and emotional and making me push myself to the limit. For those of you who don't know already...I am now officially a Soldier in the U.S Army National Guard. Something that I truly wasn't sure that I could even get past the test. I've heard the comments of me being stupid, and going to fail and never going to complete anything but now this is going to be my life. This is going to be my world. This is what I killed myself to do. Not because I couldnt but because where I'm at in life; I couldn't see my way out of a brown paper bag. I signed up...and we are at war! We are in a time when we need strong willed people to be willing to defend the country and liberties that we have. It's not about what i want now. It's about what I want for everyone else. It's a protection and an honor that I will be willing to soar in this occupation. I may not make a whole lot more money. I may not live in the best house. I may not even drive the best car. But i know that I know that I know that God made this possible. He blessed me in such a way that I am willing to sacrifice everything I am for you.

I needed to do this. Someone i care about asked me if I was running again. And I asked him well...what do I have here? Whats in WV for me? His answer: you have a job, a working vehicle a roof over your head....food in your fridge....And i said and What do i really have? There is truly nothing left for me in WV. But the good news is I'm still staying here. I'm staying in state. I'm not going anywhere as of yet because this is still my home. However; Its a home now that I'm willing to defend tooth and nail and even with my life. I don't feel that it's running. I believe that it's more standing for what you believe in and protecting what you love.

So prays are appreciated. But know that I love you all. And now i'll do anything I can to protect the freedoms we have!

Dancin' in the rain

It's the medley of the rain on the tin roof
the warm winter breeze that blows
Its the works squirming on the sidewalk stay out of the wet ground
It's the street lights dancing on the pavement
The trees swaying in the wind
the storm thats playing all around me.
Makes me happy enough i could dance

While the storm is raging
I'll dance in the rain
all the beauty inside this moment helps me forget my pain.
I know God is with me.
He's holding my hand
So while the storm is raging
I'll dance in the rain

Its the deer grazing in the meadow
the birds chirping in the trees
The slugs sliding down the sidewalk like they can't be seen
It's the kids waiting at the bus stop
laughing as they walk in the rain
the sheer enjoyment of this moment
to see Gods work first hand

While the storm is raging
I'll dance in the rain
all the beauty inside this moment helps me forget my pain.
I know God is with me.
He's holding my hand
So while the storm is raging
I'll dance in the rain

I know my hearts been broken
I know i've fallen short
but let the storm keep raging
I'll make peace as i go
Let the lightning strike
the thunder clap
the winds blow thru my fears
let the trees dance
Let my soul be free...
let me seek Gods face
He who loves me for me

So...While the storm is raging
I'll dance in the rain
all the beauty inside this moment helps me forget my pain.
I know God is with me.
He's holding my hand
So while the storm is raging
I'll dance in the rain

Let the storm rage....cause i'll be dancing in the rain

Missin you

I miss the rain on the tin roof
And dancing thru the kitchen
I miss the snow piled high
And the kisses on the front porch
I want to play in the snow
And get blocked in the drive
I want to see the iris' bloom underneath the gentle woods.
I really didnt see what love i had for my home
Until it was to late.
The memories that keep coming back around
Everywhere i look i see you
I just miss you.
I miss getting lost i want to sit on the steps and watch you mow grass
I miss everything...
I miss you.
I miss you
But i cant change things i can just move on...
So im gonna keep moving

Relapse

Waking up each morning
washing the filth off from the night before
makes me come to realize
i don't want to live this life anymore
the more i push to be better
the farther from God i get
the more i strive for perfection
The deeper i dig my ditch

I'm relapsing once again
going back to how
i'd always been
i don't remember who
i woke up next to
All i know is it wasn't you
with each breath i take
i hate to say
this relapse
may be my end

I wonder what God thinks of me
if he wants to come around
I know that he never leaves me
I know the victory's been won
but how can he love me
the sinner that i am
To want to help me
out of my ditch
to bring me back to him


I'm relapsing once again
going back to how
i'd always been
i don't remember who
i woke up next to
All i know is it wasn't you
with each breath i take
i hate to say
this relapse
may be my end

how much do i need to drink
How many people can fill this void
how many times to i have to say praise the Lord
when my lifestyle smacks him in the face?
at what point do i need to open up my eyes?
do i trust God enough to love me now
even though i'm the thorn in his side?


I'm relapsing once again
going back to how
i'd always been
i don't remember who
i woke up next to
All i know is it wasn't you
with each breath i take
i hate to say
this relapse
may be my end

I don't want to relapse anymore....

Every Rose has its thorn- Poison

We both lie silently still 
In the dead of the night 
Although we both lie close together 
We feel miles apart inside 

Was it something I said or something I did 
Did my words not come out right 
Though I tried not to hurt you 
Though I tried 
But I guess that's why they say 

Every rose has it's thorn 
Just like every night has it's dawn 
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song 
Every rose has it's thorn 

Yeah it does 

I listen to our favorite song 
Playing on the radio 
Hear the DJ say love's a game of easy come and 
Easy go 
But I wonder does he know 
Has he ever felt like this 
And I know that you'd be here right now 
If I could have let you know somehow 
I guess 
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsfreak.com/p/poison/every+rose+has+its+thorn_20109974.html ] 
Every rose has it's thorn 
Just like every night has it's dawn 
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song 
Every rose has it's thorn 

Though it's been a while now 
I can still feel so much pain 
Like a knife that cuts you the wound heals 
But the scar, that scar remains 
I know I could have saved a love that night 
If I'd known what to say 
Instead of makin' love 
We both made our separate ways 

But now I hear you found somebody new 
And that I never meant that much to you 
To hear that tears me up inside 
And to see you cuts me like a knife 
I guess 

Every rose has it's thorn 
Just like every night has it's dawn 
Just like every cowboy sings his sad, sad song 
Every rose has it's thorn

Recollection

as I was sitting here reading some of my old poems that i'll be posting more than likely tomorrow...I just had a rush of remembering everything in my life. All the things i've done wrong and all the things that i've done right. I remember that writing was a way that i could soothe my soul. Why did i stop? Why did i turn to alcohol? Why did i not trust God enough to keep me close to me so that i could conquer the world?

There are so many reasons that we don't keep close to God but also there are so many reasons that we run away. Me, i'm the queen of running away. Right now in my life I'm striving and working my tail off to get into the US Army National Guard. That is my focus. That is what i'm working towards. I do have to say that if i put have of the effort that i did into everything else i'd be a whole lot better off. There are days and there are dreams that I've never pursued. One dream is that i will probably never have children. But there are so many children that need adopted that it'll be ok. I'll be able to give love to someone and care for them as much as i possibly can. Another is that I don't know if i'll ever be ready to get remarried. It's like in sweet home alabama when she's talking about giving her whole heart away and never getting it back. It's something thats not mine. yes it's my heart and it beats in my chest but there isn't a moment or a day that goes by that theres something that reminds me of what was. No i don't dwell on it but it's a constant reminder of why i gave them my heart in the first place. 

Anyway:

the truth of the matter is that no matter how far away from here i go...I'm going to keep writing. I'm going to keep soothing my soul. I'm gonna keep being me. If someone is jealous of that and why i love someone then it's not me thats the problem. it's something within themselves that proves that they are too unsure of the love to know that if he's not with me theres a good reason. it may not be a reason that is plausible. But we all make mistakes. If that means that i'm a single mother who adopts children so be it. It's not in my hands and when God tells me that it's time to really truly start healing and i know he will...then i'll truly be ready to be healed. 

Here's another poem that kind of fits this :

Poetry = infinite 

poetry on a page is the equivalency of a geometric shape
there are so many ways one can solve it,
but we find the easiest and quickest ones work best

but if poetry can be compared to a math problem
what is the point of poetry
it's the combination of words
feelings, 
thoughts, 
and the imagination
compiled into some for a rhythm and rhyme

poetry is not the 
who's who of  Hollywood
it's not the bully at a high school
it's not a memorization  of what we think
it's who we want to be all in a few stanzas.

poetry is the core
the heart
the one system that makes things work
it's how everyone can express themselves.

yet, if poetry is like a math problem,
why are the answers always infinite?

Victim of myself 03/07

outside you can see
the smile i wear
outside, you can hear
my simple prayers
outside theres a twinkle
in my eye

But inside of me i just hold back and cry
For I, am a victim of myself
I don't know, who i am or what i want.
or why i cry so much
my hearts been broken, 
i've lost a love
but outside my smile hides
the inside me

outside, the sun continues to shine
inside, the storms getting closer
outside, i can laugh and love and try
but inside i wander through the darkness
alone

For I, am a victim of myself
I don't know, who i am or what i want.
or why i cry so much
my hearts been broken, 
i've lost a love
but outside my smile hides
the inside me

Free 03/07

I stand under the hot water and watch it ricochet off my body and onto the shower walls
It feels so weird to be standing here
Standing in this steam filled room, 
Standing naked feeling the heat dance upon the flesh of my being
I gather that it's the feeling of total freedom
I gather its the feeling of ultimate cleansing
I gather, it's the way i'm suppose to feel
Most of the time i have no clue what it feels like as i stand in that basin we all call a tub
Within my heart something is ticking just a little bit faster
I know now that my pulse is racing but why?
Thats my constant question...Why?
Why do i love this heat ripping at my flesh?
Why do i stand here and let the burn seep through my skin and into my heart?
Why do i stand here crying?
My body has been so broken down, that all i do is cry,
I cry because I know i can't have what i want and the water hides it!
I cry because the water is so hot that it's burning my skin
I cry because i'm standing here being torn apart by this shower that i ritually take everyday.
I cry because now i know that there's something missing. 
Something so extravagant so amazing, that i want the burn so i can feel something.
So i stand here naked, burning, crying and free because this is the only time in my day where i can show off me! 
But thats not all...there's more to it
Thats what i'm afraid of.
I'm afraid of people seeing me
I'm afraid that people won't like me for who i am,
I'm afraid of letting my heart get involved...
Yet i know that once i step out of this basin, i have to pretend
I have to change my smile so people don't suspect.
I have to hide the hurt i've endured. 
I have to hide my soul so that i can contain the true parts of me
But the time has come...time to end my freedom
Time to let go of this truth and put on a front
Whilst i stand here in this shower for just a minute more
I tense up my body, i hold back my tears
and i step back into the reality i live in.
And suddenly I'm not free

Lost a part of me 04/07

Some days we get a long great
I feel like a princess
i feel so good inside
but lately it's almost as if
i'm wasting my time.
i'm wasting having feelings
i'm wasting precious moments
on someone who doesn't feel
the same way about me! 
I don't know what to do!
I'm so frustrated at myself
Not for liking for someone
not for moving on...
but for falling so quickly
I can't say that i love him.
I can't say that most days i like him
But now he' gonna be a part of my life
in a way that i wouldn't normally want
someone in my life. 
Oh well. Life goes on
And on top of that we have 
gotten to the point when i can't even
stand myself.
I pray for him every night
because he's going to a hard time.
But i still feel like i'm being used. 
I feel like i've Lost a part of me. 
oh...wait....i have!

Over it 04/07

I'm over it. 
I'm through
i'm done
being blue
i cant control my mind
or my heart

you made 
a fool of me

an now i want you to see
that i'm just as strong
without you

don't take this the wrong way
i'm just a female
having a good day
and all i want to say to you is this
i'm over you 
i'm through with you 
i don't need you
in my life.
i'm movin on
and staying
and tryin to do whats right

cause see you
broke my heart
and left me lonely
and took away my pride
but baby see it's now
up to me
and all i can be 
is over it.

Live in the moment 05/07

Remember that moment when time stood still?
When the sunlight caused a glisten in their eye?
When everything seemed to be moving in slow motion.
Remember when they first smiled at you...
the one smile that you could replay over and over in your head
because you didn't want to take the image out of your mind
Remember the first time you touched hands....
Do you remember the electricity that flowed through your whole body
when your nerves began to tingle
your breath caught short
your heart skips a few beats
Do you remember the first time they spoke....
their voice just echoes in the distance
as if they are still talking to you
that they are still meeting you for the first time
everytime you see them and they say hello.
Every moment was the first time with them
Every time you touched it was something new
it was the feeling of the butterflies fluttering in your tummy
it was the joy that twinkled in your eye
it was the hope that tomorrow you'd spend it with him or her.
Those are the genuine moments in life. 
Not the moments you make...
but the moments that take your breath away.
Remember the first kiss?
the connection...
the sweat that slowly poured from your palms
the excitement that raced through your body
that moment time does stand still...
time doesn't speed up again until those lips 
are planted firmly against theirs and you stop breathing...
Your eyes shut but for some reason
your mind draws a picture of their face 
reminding you that this is it...
this is how love is suppose to feel
these moments may not last forever now
but you can have moments like this
with that person for the rest of your life...
that is when you remember the moment
the moment you met,
the moment you first touched, and kissed
the moment the words i love you rolled off the tounge.
thats the moment when you know that love is in your life....
and once you find someone to share that moment with...
those moments will last for the rest of your life....
so live in the moment.