In the palm of his hand

   It's been a little while since I've taken the time to write. So many things have been going on and so many feelings have just been blown out of proportion. I'm finding my way. Thats the first step for me. I've found a new love in my heart and a new drive that I need to start with me and fixing whats wrong with me before i can even begin to be effective for God. I'm not saying that i have to be perfect because lets admit...no one is. And those who think they are perfect just haven't even begun to live. It's one step at a time and no matter how many times we crash our car from looking in the rear view mirror of what was it's not what is going to be.
  Today at bible study we talked about running the race. Now running in the sense that we have to win isn't what i'm talking about. Every one of us has a plan and purpose for God. We first have to believe that we are SOMEBODY. Even if the world thinks we are a NOBODY.  God sees our hurts, pains, joys, love, hates...etc. It's a never ending saga of what God does see in us. The path has already been set before us. Now we have to finish the race. Being a christian isn't always easy. in fact it's hard. Hard because we are the light to the world as long as we are living the life that God has intended us to live. We have to take the steps and do what we need to do for God first, than everything else will follow.

So i'm standing here, praising God even though my storm is raging all around me. My focus is on him completely!

Praise Him in the hallway

I've spent a lot of time today trying to figure out how to take back the power. Power not meaning like how to conquer the world but power in the manner of we're doing this netty style and if someone doesn't like then they don't have to be apart of the adventure. Yes, that may sound rude and obnoxious but let me just tell you this trip is just getting harder and harder. There are so many signs around me that are saying that I need to stay but i know that deep down in my heart this isn't the season for forgiveness. I've been too hurt now by who the person i love whats to be and i can't handle watching him fall in love with someone else. It's like when everything happened we sorta switched roles. I became the logical motivated one and he became the i do't care swing by the seam of your pants kind of person. It's driving me nuts! But within the next few weeks i hope that i'll be moved out and moving on the best that i can at this point. It's a never-ending challenge of wits and patience and trusting God that while i'm standing in the hallway that i can praise him til he opens up that new door.

I'm so excited to see what God has in store for me.

So the challenge today is to Praise him no matter what your going thru. God is a respecter of persons but we have to believe that he'll make a way even when we don't see the light or even a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Trust Him...and This Too Shall Pass

A walk down memory lane

Today I took a drive down to the area where i met my ex husband. Just kinda needed to go through and remember...Not all the bad stuff because every place there was some kind of bad memory. And the more i want to admit that maybe we shouldn't have gotten married in the first place; there's no point in holding onto what wasn't ever there.  There were so many good times yet, as time goes on the good times didn't outweigh the bad. In fact i just didn't want to see the bad. I don't believe in focusing on the bad because if we do then we would all be going to hell. This time around it's one of those what happened and what could hav ebeen prevented and what changes could have happened. Everyday whenever i look at the photos that are in our life it's like i don't exist. That person is dead and gone and now i'm back to picking up the pieces to my life. I believe that God has a plan for me. I am not sure what it is but there are times when i can't even sleep because of all the drama that is in my life.
Phillipians 4:13 States: I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.
Jeremiah 29:11 says: For I know the thoughts that i think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you an expected end.

these are just a few of the things that i tell myself daily so that i can get through the day. I may not have the best attitude. I may not have the best faith. But i know in my heart that this too shall pass. This is one of those times when i feel like i'm running from God. Not because i have to but because it's the easiest way for me to deal with whats going on inside my head. I've run for so long that i need to stop running. Thats a whole lot easier said than it is done. I know that i need to just stop and make a trip to an altar but whether or not i'm gonna man/ woman up and do it thats a whole nother level of emotions that I'm trying to stay out of tune with.

After the events of today have played out: I need counselling. I need good christian friends. And I need to let Jesus back into my heart.

I'm ready.

Another day...another time

It's hard for me to think from time to time about the things that I've done wrong in my life. It's something that i'm having a hard time coming to grips with. Now needless to say things are always changing and always evolving but for my it's an endless roller-coaster of anger that just doesn't dissipate. It's a train that i'm so scared to step out on my own that i'm still learning how to fly. Its like standing in front of the mirror and know what you see but not believing that's who you really are. I guess Michael Jackson had it right. We need to start with the man/woman in the mirror. Along with Ghandi saying Be the change you want to see in the world. But what if i'm not willing to change? What if I like being me and i'm just looking for someone who's willing to deal with my baggage? How hard is it for someone to open their eyes to someone else's life and stop focusing on the negative in their own? How many times do we have to fall before we learn how to pick ourselves back up?

I'm an emotional train wreck. I'm obnoxious and rude and perverted and dishonest...but i know these things about me...today i realized that i would give anything to help people. I will get the crap beat out of me if I could help someone else. But lately it seems like i'm more a hindrance or a burden to the people i truly do care about the most. It's like i cant handle my own problems and still i'm trying to get over and blame people for whats wrong in my life. Yet, on the flip side i'm still like a revolving door. people walk all over me all the time and i say nothing. I do nothing. And when i finally turn around and take a stand for myself they get mad because i said something to them about what needs to be done and how i believe it should be done. It's kinda funny actually. Here i am, 25...divorced...no kids and single; and there's not one man in this world that wants to "deal" with me.
For a while forever seemed like sitting in a rocking chair on the back porch watching the wind blow thru the trees. Now forever seems like solitude and loneliness wrapped up in a never ending saga of reruns of how you could have done things differently...
I'm so tired of not being good enough for someone that i loved. I can't be anyone but the big mess that i am. I'm just praying that one day someone will love me for me truly.


One last shot

One foot in front of the other
labored breaths aren't hard to find
I stand outside the front door
of the home that once was mine
My car is jam packed
and i'm trying to be fine
A memory comes like a flash back
A time when you were mine.
But now we fight and argue
can't see eye to eye
Hating you seems so logical
only on the outside
The butterflies have gone away
but my heart still calls your name
This is it the last goodbye
will slowly begin today.
I can't say that i'm sorry
that i said those hateful words
you drive me completely crazy
and now it just seems absurd
WE have to not be us anymore
that chapter has come to an end
I don't believe in second chances
but i don't know now where to begin
I'm standing on my own two feet
Not needing your help at all
I used to think my life was complete
that you'd always catch me when i fall
But now i see you were my safety net
someone that i could always rely on
but i'm taking off like a leer jet
I'm searching for my call...
I cannot say i love you now
because those have come to late.
Saying without meaning wouldn't be too great
so i won't say it at all.
This was my last shot with you
my hands are completely washed.
Just know that though I'm leaving you
You'll always be in my heart.

A Roast Chicken and cleaning

It's such a relief to know that God is with me. I know that here lately I haven't felt him but my heart is changing again. Someone told me the other day that I wasn't the girl that he was looking for...and my smart aleck remark was you could have told me that 2 months ago. lol Oh well. I guess people come into your life when you least expect it. It's like the bible says in Ecclesiates 3. Theres a time for everything. This must be my time and season that i'm to find who I truly am. I'm still struggling not knowing where my roommate is and if they are ok but I know that God is with them. It's funny that when you care for someone so much you spend all your time and energy just praying good things for them. Although i'm not saying that they are walking the way God would have them walk it's still the reassurance in my heart that God is hearing my prayers for them. It's just one of those times when you turn around and analyze everyone that's in your life and why they are doing what they are doing. it's a technical thing i learned from my ex husband. He was/is very educated on things like that. And right now it's just one of those things where with my roommate they don't want me to know where they are and what they are doing because they don't a. want my opinion b. don't want to hurt my feelings. c. they just don't care and they are going to do whatever they want to do. I'm just saying it would be nice to just speak to them to know that they are OK and kind of get a game plan. Any who: So i'm roasting a chicken tonight. Never done that before. It should be interesting. I have the guts and giblets and all that nasty stuff and i'm not quite sure what to do with that...lol So i guess we'll just kinda play that one by ear. It should be a fairly productive night. I'm not going anywhere tonight and tomorrow i'm gonna try to get to church. Money is so tight that i just want to conserve as much as i can so that i'm ahead instead of behind like i have been in the past. it seems like i'm just rambling but it's been so long since I've sat down and just been able to pour out my heart and not be told that i'm stupid or that i'm making dumb decisions. I pour my heart out to God often but still i guess in my mind i would love that someone that i could just sit across from and cry my eyes out. I'm not saying that people haven't been there to hold me when i'm crying it's just that i just want to make it know that sometimes i just need to be held. I know that whenever i'm crying myself to sleep that God has me wrapped up in his arms and that brings comfort but once and a while i want someone physically there to tell me that it's going to be ok and that i'm not going crazy. Because lets admit....i'm more crazy than i was last week. But i'm holding my own. I'm standing on my own two feet. I'm not relying on anyone but me. And for that all i can say is Thank you Lord for blessing me and holding me when i cry!

A day with no sunshine outside...but a light shining inside

I thought that yesterday was an absolutely horrible day. but i was so wrong. I was so blessed by all the people i know and the people i don't know that have been so encouraging. It was just one of those days where i would have just liked to crawl into a hole and disappear. But in reality that wouldn't have solved anything. My heart was panicked and my mind was just all kinds of jacked up. So I started packing i have most of my stuff from the house packed up and my clothes in bags. And I've been so wrapped up in God that i don't even notice that i haven't really been missing him. I know that sounds funny or strange or a constant change from what my norm is. Life isn't measured by how many breaths we take but how many moments take our breath away. This was just another one of those days. It's a positive change for me to know that i'll make it just fine on my own. It makes me not trust men, but i know that will come with time. I know that God will provide someone so special for me and I just have to be patient. Take care of be and do nothing about it until God tells me it's time. :) So even though it's raining outside find the joy inside...go dance in the rain. Curl up with a good book. cook til your hearts content and make sure that if you do love someone you tell/show them :) Have a blessed day ya'll

Be of good cheer...for i have overcome the world

I was reading last night and found jealousy being.harbored in my heart. Not because I'm jealous of people in my life but.I'm making giant strides to move up on my own. So as i was reading and checking out my daily verses i came across this verse John 16:33 which reads:
These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
And i started thinking...oh my. I'm letting my trials and tribulations get the better of me. We can't have that.  I'm a strong willed woman who has screwed up a lot of things in her life. Now is not the time to stop. I dont have anyone close enough to just go and hang out with. I don't hardly see my roommate and I'm moving in three weeks. The part.that keeps.playing is be of.good.cheer. Its like a beacon blinking saying trust me. I'm terrified and frightened but.I'm trying to trust Jesus. I'm ready to stand my ground. I'm ready to change. I'm ready to fall in love with Jesus. :)
My challenge today give the hurt and the pain to God. He knows.right where you are at and He cant help you unless you ask. Ask him for help and patiently wait for his response. Seek him and pray.

Be blessed

I'm finding it hard to face reality today. Time and time again, I'm coming up short. Its almost like my heart is beating in slow.motion. My mind is moving faster than my body and i can't get a grip on my emotions. It's like when you love someone you'll risk and do anything for them...but at the same time your still selective on what memories you keep and what ones you disreguard. I sit at home and just gaze out into the  yard and hear my children laughin. Their father making a fire in the back yard making smores. I see my home destroyed by the pain that i helped put in it.
In the span of three weeks or less, i will be picking up my life and packing it away. I'll be back to shutting the door on my love for him. No matter how long it will take i will eventually hopefully be able to be loved and be happy. Right now, I'm just trying to make due, trust God.
I know that he is with me and he will keep me strong.  Now I'm just gonna keep believing he'll take care of me.

My heart...older poem i found

My heart
I gave my heart to you
With forever on my mind
I knew it would be a challenge
But God was on our side
The attraction was instantaneous We clicked right away
The sex was super fabulous
And my life was never the same
I gave you my heart blindly
With dreams and hopes to persue
We planned forever kindly
And love was all we knew
We made our stance
Through sickness and health
For rich or for poor
Being poor rather than having wealth My heart it beats an irregular beat Since all i see is goodbye at my feet Love endures all things hopes all things Believes all things
and yet we're still here.
Im just sorry my heart still beats for yours
And that yours beats for her
We could have lasted and worked through our problems
But your love wasnt unconditional Shes already taken your forever.
My heart still beats for you
And im still running now all alone Know that my loves unconditional for you.
And no matter where your at
My heart is still yours.

I'll survive

Im making a new vow today
To stand up on my own.
I wont let anyone come my way
I wont let them bring me down
Ive been down this road bwfor
And fallen on my face
Ive had skinned up knees and broken dreams that brought me back down from space
My life is in a mess right now
Im in love all by myself
But hes found a diamond in the rough She's beautiful and fun and makes him smile...i can see all his wealth.
Still the silence gathers around me
As he spends most nights with her
I'm making my way through all the dookie.
Ill survive
Ill thrive
And I'll be just fine.

Between a rock and a hard place...

I was sitting at home last night on my last day off for the next week or so and i was just kinda wondering what in the world would happen once i move on. What will happen when i find myself in a home of my own and doing my own things and making my own way and i'll be standing wondering what in the world is my purpose. Yes, I know that i have a chance to dream and to be on my own but what is my purpose. I mean dont get me wrong i love the fact that i'm ready to step out and get on my own and to be the things that i know that i can. Yet, I'm sitting here starting to pack up my life all over again and ready to step out. I'm not gonna lie I'm terrified. I don't know what to think or what to do. it's like here i am starting all over again and i'm going to be ok. So as for today, I'm ok. Just gettin ready to work for the next 5 days or so and take it all in. Just to be me and just do what i need to do. :) This too Shall Pass! be blessed

Seek ye first the kingdom of God

Inspiration is the key to parts of success, if not the spark to light the fire under our butts to help get things moving. It's something we need to open our eyes to; that burning in our soul that makes us strive and want to do more with our lives. Recently I've been in this extremely dark place. A place where i can't see the sun even if i wanted too. It was a place where there wasn't any dreaming, hoping and/or faith. I found myself angry and pining for the approval of someone who doesn't truly seem me anymore.I was greeted with nothing but flack and heart ache. No one can make you feel inferior unless you let them. At this point I'm done. I"m better than that! No, I'm not saying that i'm perfect and i'm not even gonna say that i'm better than most. I'm just netty. And I am getting back to finding my own way without any mans approval because i don't need it. I'm good at being an outcast. I'm good at being strong on my own two feet. My inspiration comes thru my pain. I may not be able to ever love someone 100%, but the fact is that i will love. I will d5ream. I will hope and keep the faith. Even though i'm good at walking away from God and making a mess of my life. He has never left me. He has never stopped loving me. And His approval is all I need. Only challenge today: Find your own inspiration. Find it within yourself. And seek Gods approval not mans! Be blessed y'all!