A brand new me

I may not wear make up
my hair may be a mess
i may not always look ok
but i am utterly blessed
I've turned my life around now
i am liking what i see
this is the start of something great
a brand new me
my house isn't always spotless
sometimes i burp real loud
i tend to cook way to much food
and stuff it all in my mouth
i like the cheaper things in life
the simpler it is the better
it's a road to my own happiness
the brand new me
so if you dont like
the way i look or smell
if you think i should cater to you
i truly wish you well
i dont want to be a princess
i don't want to be a queen
i just want to be the mess that God has made me
This is truly the new me!

On my own

There has been so much hurt and pain in life within really the last year and half. I've been back in WV officially just over a year. Now that i think about it I don't think i was truly ready to move back but there wasn't anything for me in Michigan. Yes, family and some friends and acquaintances, but that wasn't where my heart was. My heart is in WV. I believe it will stay here. But now being through all that i have, Im learning what love isn't. I'm learning how to hate and i'm learning how to beat people to the punch. I don't want to be a liar. I don't want to avoid the truth. Yet, all in the same i'm finding that the more of the truth i speak the less people i have in my life. I've made so many mistakes in my life and i'm only 25 years old. I don't want to keep repeating mistakes that i've made in the past yet, all the same it's what i know. It's what i'm comfortable with. Now, I've lost my best friend...in a word it sucks. But i can't stand by and be someone that i'm not. I did that when i was married and ended up running away. I didn't speak my mind. I didn't tell the truth and when times got really tough i resorted to alcohol to take me a way if only for a few minutes. Thats not who i am. Thats not what i want to be remember for. At the same time though, i don't want people coming up to me and being like...Hey your adams ex wife? or your adams wife? or aren't you related to my old bus driver?
I am my own person. I want to be Just Netty! Nothing else. I'm Netty. I may have been married to Adam but we are no more. I want to just be able to go somewhere and not be known as someones ex wife. I don't think people understand how much it hurts to be seen not as an individual myself but as someones counterpart. I'm not perfect and i never will be. But i will make my stand on my own with the help of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to get through all that i've been through. And when the time comes I'll be known as Netty. The girl that can raise the roof when she sings. The girl that messed up but is blessed because she isn't willing to give up. The girl that is going places and is going to be somebody. NOt that being someone in mans eyes really matters Because i am somebody in Gods eyes.
It's time for me to take a stand with the help of God and not the help of man.

6/4/2006 through to someone you cant forget

going through the day
always on the fly
wondering where your going
or how your going to die
I don't know what it is
but your like a bad cold
something thats so controlling
and stuck deep in your soul.
I sit through all these moments
just trying to pretend
that i had never ever loved you
and that this pain would end
Imagine me in 5 years
all grown with a career
would you still think i'm pretty
would that finally be fair
I hate that i'm still stuck
and i'm feeling rather blue
but i know that i'll still love you
even though we're through.

The City Girl is back!

I'm so done being the bad guy. I'm done dealing with all this drama. I write thats what i do. And if someone doesn't like what i write well then thats too bad for them. I'm done cowering and ducking my tail so i don't make him mad. I'm better than that and i deserve better than that. But apparently i don't have any true friends that know us both. First I'm told its on Tumblr. Well i don't have a tumbler account therefore thats a great big fat lie. I'm tired of being lied to and i'm tired of being the one that is reprimanded because he found something out that he doesn't like. Poems are an expression on whats on your heart and i've been writing a whole lot longer than i was with him. So im gonna keep writing and i'm gonna keep being me. i've never stopped being me but for a while i forgot who i was. Now i'm back to the God fearing woman that God has made me and i'm not backing down to any man. Especially one that can't turn the mirror on himself. I know i've screwed up...but by the grace of God I've been forgiven.  I'm not gonna stop being me and if he doesn't like me then it wasn't meant to be in the first place.

Cheater

I saw your face today
i thought my heart would leap
it didn't do a thing at all
expect for when i hear you speak
i know that its done and over with
we are no longer us
but we have made one big mess
But we're done so thats a plus
I can't believed i laid with you
month after month
that thought of being loved by you
was all that i could want
but i guess cheating goes both ways
we hurt the ones we love
only this time it was my mistake
I was the mistress of your love
I waited through the hard year
and thought that we could try
but in the end i was full of fear
and all day i would cry
it should have never happened 
yet, unfortunately it did
i feel like the black sheep now
when we did what we did
They didn't deserve the lying
or the truth that was never known
But now i'm the one whos crying
and your happier with her alone
I wish nothing but the best for you
as always within my heart
but the truth be known
once a cheater always a cheater
as the story goes
it takes two to tango love
and i've made my stand on the floor
but in the end i won't be alone
because now shes gone
and i'm out the door!

Old school poem: heart race from 2004

I met you while we were playing with kids
i didn’t know someone loved them like i did
I smiled sweetly and cracked jokes on you
Hopefully to my surprise i didn’t make you blue

My heart was wrenched when i walked away
i just wish i could have just stayed
But when i got home all i could see is your face
Which made me giddy and light headed like i was from outer space.

I fell in love from the moment I met you
I disappeared in my daze
I was surprised to find out really soon
That you felt the same way
I fell in love with a glimpse of your face
But all I knew was my body couldn’t keep up with my heart race

We hung out a lot with no time to waste
But I sometimes bugged me your slow walking pace
When my sisters decided that you were hot
I didn’t know what I was going to say in the hot spot

You kissed me softly as it began to rain
There were no signs of sadness anger or pain
I want to be with you now and forever
Yet, I still want this relationship to be cute and clever

I fell in love from the moment i met you
I disappeared in my daze
I was surprised to find out really soon
That you felt the same way
I fell in love with a glimpse of your face
But all i knew was my body couldn’t keep up with my heart race

Once Upon a dream....

Over the last several days i have come to realize that there are so many wonderful things about my life that i've completely taken for granted. I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life. The book of Ecclesiastes gives me hope:

3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

² A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

³ A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

⁴ A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

⁵ A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

⁶ A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

⁷ A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

⁸ A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

This is a new season. It's a new way to look around and see the world thru God's eyes. It's a way to open up and possibly love again. Though i admit i may never love 100 % again because i gave my 100 % and failed miserably at it. My actions came with a cost and with that cost i lost everything. But now is not the time to focus on the negative in my life...it's not the time to welcome the new season and the new things that God has in store for me. It's the time to say Thank you to those who have helped me along the way and goodbye to those that aren't necessary. It seems to be to kind of be a time of solitude but even so...I'm still learning. I'm learning to make better decisions. I'm learning how to stand on my own. Im learning what i need and what i don't need within my life. And though i've vowed to myself not to sleep with another man until i am married again...that thought is still difficult to swallow. I want to be the best that i can in the Lord and in doing so I am abstaining from the appearance of sin.  I am not perfect but I am a work in progress. He is the potter and I am the clay and He is ever molding me into what he wants me to be. And for this i am thankful. As man chooses when he/she wants to give up on us; God is always there. He omnipresent. the beginning and the end. He is my alpha and omega! And to this I owe him my life.

Theres a play that i love a whole lot. It's called Jekyll and Hyde. There are songs in it that talk about the evil that everyone has within us. There are contradictions in it though. If God made everything and said it was good than how can we be evil? Theres a song called once upon a dream...and it kind of reflects parts of my life. When I was/am head over heels in love and we see more the good in people ( which we should) than to see their flaws. It's one of those melancholy songs that just makes you wonder what truly happens when we fall in love and how that love is going to last if we only focus on us. The bible says that a man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife...marriage is a never ending fight. A fight that i feel i was too young to fight for. Don't get me wrong I've learned many valuable lessons on how to be a wife and how to trust God...but in the end I wasn't willing to fight. I got scared and ran away. Now all i have is a few picture memories from the love that I shared with someone. Though many people think that he is an awful person but he did what he believed was right and was biblical. I can't be mad at that. He is a good man. And I pray that he can find the sunshine through the rain...and the light at the end of the tunnel. I am so blessed to say that he was in my life for the last 5 years. They were hard at times but i know now that even through our pain we were blessed. And i would appreciate if anyone who reads this has anything bad to say about him; and i find out you will answer to me. No threats just honesty. I want to world to know that just because i messed up and he made a decision that doesn't make him a bad person. IF thats the case than he who has no sin cast the first stone. Judge and be judged.

As for now, God is my Jehovah Jireh ( My provider) And i will stand and be under his shadow as long as i keep walking upright and trusting him. He will be there for me.

Doing what's right

It's so hard to think about life when you get caught in a moment with someone. Having the will power to say no. And for the first time in my life truly listening to God about the situation. No I'm not saying it was easy...but being on the brink to give away something so important to who you are makes the decision even more memorable. There was a time in my life that i would have said yes to just about anyone. Because i was yearning and wanting to feel something. I was so numb to the world that the physicality of someone close was all i could feel. In my numbness i found someone who wanted to repair or help repair my brokenness. And in return i eventually made some bad calls and went back to doing what i knew best and running away. It's so strange for me to read the Bible and see all these people unafraid to stand for what they believe in...and i couldn't stand in my marriage. Maybe it makes me sound old fashioned but unless God provides me with a man who is a Godly man and who he tells me I'm suppose to be with...there are no men for me right now worth a one night stand to get a temporary satisfaction that will disappear in the morning. And no man should want that with me. I'm a daughter of a King and i deserve a Prince

The truth shall make you free

This is one of those things that i have been grappling with here lately. John 8:32 says: And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free...

It's been going thru my head more so now than ever. There are so many truths i know that i just keep pushing out of my head and i know that in the end i was wrong but then it's like i'm lying to myself and to the others who would be hurt by knowing the truth. So what do i do? Do i tell them the truth or do i just sit on it and let time play out the feat thats going to happen when they eventually find out? I'm not sure. I just know that the truths that are within my heart would hurt a lot of people. But at the same time it's something that i've hidden for so long that if someone asks me i already have a rehearsed answer. Does that make me wrong? I've growing leaps and bounds but at the same time its like i'm standing still. I'm standing in the very place that i've been so long that i don't know which way to turn to and what the right thing to do is. 
It also says in the bible that who the son sets free is free indeed. And i know that i'm free but i still feel somehow bound to the wrongs that i have in my life. Doing the right thing ruins relationships with people i truly care about and have hurt in the past. Yet, sitting on the truth and not telling isn't that also hurting the relationship? A lie is a lie is a lie... But what do we sacrifice in order to tell the truth?

In my opinion if we are to be like Christ then we should always tell the truth no matter how much it's going to hurt that person. It may make them hate us but in the end then we do not have a grudge against our brother. And we did it the respectful way to tell the truth. 

Do whats right today because if tomorrow doesn't come then we made amends.

Between a rock and a hard place

For once in my life i would love for someone to do what they say they are going to do. Don't get me wrong i understand that things come up but i would just like to feel important to someone. I don't mean in a greedy kind of way but in a way where i can be someone they want to hang out with or be around. I love my solitude i do...but I'm just done being there for people and when i need someone i can't find anyone. I know that theres a time for everything ( Ecclesiates 3) And maybe this is just my time to say God take it all. Prayers are appreciated

Quitting you

I stood in this moment
gazing at the stars
a gentle kiss upon my next
reminded me where we are
the kind caresses
the endless days of sleep
I need to quit this feeling
before i'm in to deep
I really miss the laughter
the gaming and the drives
but it's time to stop pretending
that you are still mine
I have to get up each morning
and wish you away
I have to sleep each night
on the other side of the state
I'm really going to quit you
good things do come to an end
I have to stop pretending that
somehow we can be friends
My heart is changing now
that we aren't what we were
And deep down
i believe i quit you
though to me it seems absurd.
My own home is coming together now
I'm standing on my own
it's official that i've quit you...
even when i didn't know how.
The love that i once shared for you
is like a distant drum
it's fading into the background
of who i have become
I'm gonna be just fine
don't worry about me
the best thing that we could have ever done
was quit being you and me.

Courage is fear on its knees

  I've realized lately that I've been  making all kinds of excuses in my life. More excuses than are necessary. Plus it seems to me that my problems are all matters of the heart. I'm reading a book called The Fiddler by Beverly Lewis. It's a fantastic book. It's helping me open my eyes to so many things that i didn't want to take the time to see. It talks about that connection when you first meet someone; the differences in upbringings and cultures; When to know that you truly love someone; and when your willingly sinning so you don't have to hear the flack from other people even though it's not what God has willed us to do.
I find it fascinating that God is showing me my wrongs through a book. I'm truly between a rock and a hard place. My heart is telling me one thing and my mind that seems to be more vengeful as of late is telling me something different. Gods told me to hold on to what he's promised me and i'm still trying to take things into my own hands. I've laid down my heart...now i have to let him work.

The quote from the book Courage is Fear on its Knees... reminds me of us in our christian walk. We are weak and God helps make us strong. It helps us on this journey in life and it helps open our eyes to all the wonderful blessings that God has bestowed upon us. Just yesterday i couldn't find my drivers license. I know go me! lol. But I said a prayer and asked God to help me find it and He did. I just had to take the time and trust that he was going to direct my past. I'm having a hard time with temptation. I know i am. But i'm reading the word and doing my best not to give into it. I don't want to keep looking in my rear view mirror. I want to look straight ahead and He has blessed me with the best friends a girl could as for. They know me like a book and know when my heart is hurting and they pray with me when i need it and cry with me and bring chocolate when i'm upset. ( like that doesn't fix things...) But they are the blessings that i've been looking for. I need more of God and less of me. This is my life and i choose what i'll do with it but i also have to go when He tells me too.


The challenge today is to find your inner courage. Right what wrongs have been done. And pray for the courage and the strength for God to give you the words to speak only what he would like you to speak. And stay on your knees in prayer until something happens.


Have a blessed day!

A change in scenery

  I have spent so much time wondering and waiting for tomorrow to come and most of the time it seems like i don't want it to come. I wait and wait for the rain to stop but it hasn't. Someone told me that i'm causing others pain. that i'm ruining other peoples lives. I don't think that people take into consideration how they make me feel in the process of why i feel the way i do. It's not a matter of whats right or whats wrong. it's not about who's mindset it better; it's about the truth and that the truth hurts.  In the last week or so since i havent blogged or anything iv'e found that i'm searching and searching for something. I'm not sure what it is that i'm looking for but i know that it's gonna be something good. It's not gonna be how many people i can sleep with because thats out of the will of God. It's not gonna be how many dreams and goals i have that i havent reached but what can i do now. what can i do for me.


  So here's what i've come up with:

1. I need to learn how to let go and let God. Because when i keep trying to fix things myself i just screw them up 100 times more than they were messed up to begin with.
2. I need to learn to keep my business my business. Yes i know that puts a little bit of a damper on what i'll be sharing on this blog.
3. I have to completely and utterly love myself. No matter how many times people tell me i'm beautiful or sexy or gorgeous i have to believe it myself before the rest of my confidence can be restored.
4. I have to be patient and wait on God. Patience truly isn't my thing but i'm learning. everyday brings a new challenge and i need to know that I have someone out that that's gonna love this mess that i am. And i won't have to change.
5. Move on with my life. The past is the past. Theres no point in dwelling in the rear view mirror and try to change things when you can't open up your eyes and look to whats in front of you because we're too busy worrying about what was and dwelling on the past.

I think of all them...5. is gonna be the hardest for me. There were so many things i did wrong in my marriage. So many stupid mistakes that i could have avoided but in the end i gave up and gave in to the world. I know i hurt my ex husband badly. But i can't change the divorce and i can't change his mind. I can just be me and keep on doing the things that i need to do for me. It's not about what i can do for him anymore. it's about what i can do to make my life better without him. And by the grace of God...I'll be doing just that.

No challenges today just take the time to look yourself in the mirror and decide if you like what you see. If you don't; you have the authority and the power to change it. :)

Have a blessed day!

In the palm of his hand

   It's been a little while since I've taken the time to write. So many things have been going on and so many feelings have just been blown out of proportion. I'm finding my way. Thats the first step for me. I've found a new love in my heart and a new drive that I need to start with me and fixing whats wrong with me before i can even begin to be effective for God. I'm not saying that i have to be perfect because lets admit...no one is. And those who think they are perfect just haven't even begun to live. It's one step at a time and no matter how many times we crash our car from looking in the rear view mirror of what was it's not what is going to be.
  Today at bible study we talked about running the race. Now running in the sense that we have to win isn't what i'm talking about. Every one of us has a plan and purpose for God. We first have to believe that we are SOMEBODY. Even if the world thinks we are a NOBODY.  God sees our hurts, pains, joys, love, hates...etc. It's a never ending saga of what God does see in us. The path has already been set before us. Now we have to finish the race. Being a christian isn't always easy. in fact it's hard. Hard because we are the light to the world as long as we are living the life that God has intended us to live. We have to take the steps and do what we need to do for God first, than everything else will follow.

So i'm standing here, praising God even though my storm is raging all around me. My focus is on him completely!

Praise Him in the hallway

I've spent a lot of time today trying to figure out how to take back the power. Power not meaning like how to conquer the world but power in the manner of we're doing this netty style and if someone doesn't like then they don't have to be apart of the adventure. Yes, that may sound rude and obnoxious but let me just tell you this trip is just getting harder and harder. There are so many signs around me that are saying that I need to stay but i know that deep down in my heart this isn't the season for forgiveness. I've been too hurt now by who the person i love whats to be and i can't handle watching him fall in love with someone else. It's like when everything happened we sorta switched roles. I became the logical motivated one and he became the i do't care swing by the seam of your pants kind of person. It's driving me nuts! But within the next few weeks i hope that i'll be moved out and moving on the best that i can at this point. It's a never-ending challenge of wits and patience and trusting God that while i'm standing in the hallway that i can praise him til he opens up that new door.

I'm so excited to see what God has in store for me.

So the challenge today is to Praise him no matter what your going thru. God is a respecter of persons but we have to believe that he'll make a way even when we don't see the light or even a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Trust Him...and This Too Shall Pass

A walk down memory lane

Today I took a drive down to the area where i met my ex husband. Just kinda needed to go through and remember...Not all the bad stuff because every place there was some kind of bad memory. And the more i want to admit that maybe we shouldn't have gotten married in the first place; there's no point in holding onto what wasn't ever there.  There were so many good times yet, as time goes on the good times didn't outweigh the bad. In fact i just didn't want to see the bad. I don't believe in focusing on the bad because if we do then we would all be going to hell. This time around it's one of those what happened and what could hav ebeen prevented and what changes could have happened. Everyday whenever i look at the photos that are in our life it's like i don't exist. That person is dead and gone and now i'm back to picking up the pieces to my life. I believe that God has a plan for me. I am not sure what it is but there are times when i can't even sleep because of all the drama that is in my life.
Phillipians 4:13 States: I can do all things through Christ which strengthens me.
Jeremiah 29:11 says: For I know the thoughts that i think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil to give you an expected end.

these are just a few of the things that i tell myself daily so that i can get through the day. I may not have the best attitude. I may not have the best faith. But i know in my heart that this too shall pass. This is one of those times when i feel like i'm running from God. Not because i have to but because it's the easiest way for me to deal with whats going on inside my head. I've run for so long that i need to stop running. Thats a whole lot easier said than it is done. I know that i need to just stop and make a trip to an altar but whether or not i'm gonna man/ woman up and do it thats a whole nother level of emotions that I'm trying to stay out of tune with.

After the events of today have played out: I need counselling. I need good christian friends. And I need to let Jesus back into my heart.

I'm ready.

Another day...another time

It's hard for me to think from time to time about the things that I've done wrong in my life. It's something that i'm having a hard time coming to grips with. Now needless to say things are always changing and always evolving but for my it's an endless roller-coaster of anger that just doesn't dissipate. It's a train that i'm so scared to step out on my own that i'm still learning how to fly. Its like standing in front of the mirror and know what you see but not believing that's who you really are. I guess Michael Jackson had it right. We need to start with the man/woman in the mirror. Along with Ghandi saying Be the change you want to see in the world. But what if i'm not willing to change? What if I like being me and i'm just looking for someone who's willing to deal with my baggage? How hard is it for someone to open their eyes to someone else's life and stop focusing on the negative in their own? How many times do we have to fall before we learn how to pick ourselves back up?

I'm an emotional train wreck. I'm obnoxious and rude and perverted and dishonest...but i know these things about me...today i realized that i would give anything to help people. I will get the crap beat out of me if I could help someone else. But lately it seems like i'm more a hindrance or a burden to the people i truly do care about the most. It's like i cant handle my own problems and still i'm trying to get over and blame people for whats wrong in my life. Yet, on the flip side i'm still like a revolving door. people walk all over me all the time and i say nothing. I do nothing. And when i finally turn around and take a stand for myself they get mad because i said something to them about what needs to be done and how i believe it should be done. It's kinda funny actually. Here i am, 25...divorced...no kids and single; and there's not one man in this world that wants to "deal" with me.
For a while forever seemed like sitting in a rocking chair on the back porch watching the wind blow thru the trees. Now forever seems like solitude and loneliness wrapped up in a never ending saga of reruns of how you could have done things differently...
I'm so tired of not being good enough for someone that i loved. I can't be anyone but the big mess that i am. I'm just praying that one day someone will love me for me truly.


One last shot

One foot in front of the other
labored breaths aren't hard to find
I stand outside the front door
of the home that once was mine
My car is jam packed
and i'm trying to be fine
A memory comes like a flash back
A time when you were mine.
But now we fight and argue
can't see eye to eye
Hating you seems so logical
only on the outside
The butterflies have gone away
but my heart still calls your name
This is it the last goodbye
will slowly begin today.
I can't say that i'm sorry
that i said those hateful words
you drive me completely crazy
and now it just seems absurd
WE have to not be us anymore
that chapter has come to an end
I don't believe in second chances
but i don't know now where to begin
I'm standing on my own two feet
Not needing your help at all
I used to think my life was complete
that you'd always catch me when i fall
But now i see you were my safety net
someone that i could always rely on
but i'm taking off like a leer jet
I'm searching for my call...
I cannot say i love you now
because those have come to late.
Saying without meaning wouldn't be too great
so i won't say it at all.
This was my last shot with you
my hands are completely washed.
Just know that though I'm leaving you
You'll always be in my heart.

A Roast Chicken and cleaning

It's such a relief to know that God is with me. I know that here lately I haven't felt him but my heart is changing again. Someone told me the other day that I wasn't the girl that he was looking for...and my smart aleck remark was you could have told me that 2 months ago. lol Oh well. I guess people come into your life when you least expect it. It's like the bible says in Ecclesiates 3. Theres a time for everything. This must be my time and season that i'm to find who I truly am. I'm still struggling not knowing where my roommate is and if they are ok but I know that God is with them. It's funny that when you care for someone so much you spend all your time and energy just praying good things for them. Although i'm not saying that they are walking the way God would have them walk it's still the reassurance in my heart that God is hearing my prayers for them. It's just one of those times when you turn around and analyze everyone that's in your life and why they are doing what they are doing. it's a technical thing i learned from my ex husband. He was/is very educated on things like that. And right now it's just one of those things where with my roommate they don't want me to know where they are and what they are doing because they don't a. want my opinion b. don't want to hurt my feelings. c. they just don't care and they are going to do whatever they want to do. I'm just saying it would be nice to just speak to them to know that they are OK and kind of get a game plan. Any who: So i'm roasting a chicken tonight. Never done that before. It should be interesting. I have the guts and giblets and all that nasty stuff and i'm not quite sure what to do with that...lol So i guess we'll just kinda play that one by ear. It should be a fairly productive night. I'm not going anywhere tonight and tomorrow i'm gonna try to get to church. Money is so tight that i just want to conserve as much as i can so that i'm ahead instead of behind like i have been in the past. it seems like i'm just rambling but it's been so long since I've sat down and just been able to pour out my heart and not be told that i'm stupid or that i'm making dumb decisions. I pour my heart out to God often but still i guess in my mind i would love that someone that i could just sit across from and cry my eyes out. I'm not saying that people haven't been there to hold me when i'm crying it's just that i just want to make it know that sometimes i just need to be held. I know that whenever i'm crying myself to sleep that God has me wrapped up in his arms and that brings comfort but once and a while i want someone physically there to tell me that it's going to be ok and that i'm not going crazy. Because lets admit....i'm more crazy than i was last week. But i'm holding my own. I'm standing on my own two feet. I'm not relying on anyone but me. And for that all i can say is Thank you Lord for blessing me and holding me when i cry!

A day with no sunshine outside...but a light shining inside

I thought that yesterday was an absolutely horrible day. but i was so wrong. I was so blessed by all the people i know and the people i don't know that have been so encouraging. It was just one of those days where i would have just liked to crawl into a hole and disappear. But in reality that wouldn't have solved anything. My heart was panicked and my mind was just all kinds of jacked up. So I started packing i have most of my stuff from the house packed up and my clothes in bags. And I've been so wrapped up in God that i don't even notice that i haven't really been missing him. I know that sounds funny or strange or a constant change from what my norm is. Life isn't measured by how many breaths we take but how many moments take our breath away. This was just another one of those days. It's a positive change for me to know that i'll make it just fine on my own. It makes me not trust men, but i know that will come with time. I know that God will provide someone so special for me and I just have to be patient. Take care of be and do nothing about it until God tells me it's time. :) So even though it's raining outside find the joy inside...go dance in the rain. Curl up with a good book. cook til your hearts content and make sure that if you do love someone you tell/show them :) Have a blessed day ya'll

Be of good cheer...for i have overcome the world

I was reading last night and found jealousy being.harbored in my heart. Not because I'm jealous of people in my life but.I'm making giant strides to move up on my own. So as i was reading and checking out my daily verses i came across this verse John 16:33 which reads:
These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
And i started thinking...oh my. I'm letting my trials and tribulations get the better of me. We can't have that.  I'm a strong willed woman who has screwed up a lot of things in her life. Now is not the time to stop. I dont have anyone close enough to just go and hang out with. I don't hardly see my roommate and I'm moving in three weeks. The part.that keeps.playing is be of.good.cheer. Its like a beacon blinking saying trust me. I'm terrified and frightened but.I'm trying to trust Jesus. I'm ready to stand my ground. I'm ready to change. I'm ready to fall in love with Jesus. :)
My challenge today give the hurt and the pain to God. He knows.right where you are at and He cant help you unless you ask. Ask him for help and patiently wait for his response. Seek him and pray.

Be blessed