It's hard for me to think from time to time about the things that I've done wrong in my life. It's something that i'm having a hard time coming to grips with. Now needless to say things are always changing and always evolving but for my it's an endless roller-coaster of anger that just doesn't dissipate. It's a train that i'm so scared to step out on my own that i'm still learning how to fly. Its like standing in front of the mirror and know what you see but not believing that's who you really are. I guess Michael Jackson had it right. We need to start with the man/woman in the mirror. Along with Ghandi saying Be the change you want to see in the world. But what if i'm not willing to change? What if I like being me and i'm just looking for someone who's willing to deal with my baggage? How hard is it for someone to open their eyes to someone else's life and stop focusing on the negative in their own? How many times do we have to fall before we learn how to pick ourselves back up?
I'm an emotional train wreck. I'm obnoxious and rude and perverted and dishonest...but i know these things about me...today i realized that i would give anything to help people. I will get the crap beat out of me if I could help someone else. But lately it seems like i'm more a hindrance or a burden to the people i truly do care about the most. It's like i cant handle my own problems and still i'm trying to get over and blame people for whats wrong in my life. Yet, on the flip side i'm still like a revolving door. people walk all over me all the time and i say nothing. I do nothing. And when i finally turn around and take a stand for myself they get mad because i said something to them about what needs to be done and how i believe it should be done. It's kinda funny actually. Here i am, 25...divorced...no kids and single; and there's not one man in this world that wants to "deal" with me.
For a while forever seemed like sitting in a rocking chair on the back porch watching the wind blow thru the trees. Now forever seems like solitude and loneliness wrapped up in a never ending saga of reruns of how you could have done things differently...
I'm so tired of not being good enough for someone that i loved. I can't be anyone but the big mess that i am. I'm just praying that one day someone will love me for me truly.
One last shot
One foot in front of the other
labored breaths aren't hard to find
I stand outside the front door
of the home that once was mine
My car is jam packed
and i'm trying to be fine
A memory comes like a flash back
A time when you were mine.
But now we fight and argue
can't see eye to eye
Hating you seems so logical
only on the outside
The butterflies have gone away
but my heart still calls your name
This is it the last goodbye
will slowly begin today.
I can't say that i'm sorry
that i said those hateful words
you drive me completely crazy
and now it just seems absurd
WE have to not be us anymore
that chapter has come to an end
I don't believe in second chances
but i don't know now where to begin
I'm standing on my own two feet
Not needing your help at all
I used to think my life was complete
that you'd always catch me when i fall
But now i see you were my safety net
someone that i could always rely on
but i'm taking off like a leer jet
I'm searching for my call...
I cannot say i love you now
because those have come to late.
Saying without meaning wouldn't be too great
so i won't say it at all.
This was my last shot with you
my hands are completely washed.
Just know that though I'm leaving you
You'll always be in my heart.
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