The Dilemma

So I turned my computer off on friday of last week and i haven't really turned it on since. So maybe i should update. I'm not exactly sure what to say. There are just a lot of things going on in my head and what decisions i need to make to move on with my life. Yes, I have moved on from my ex; but i'm just trying to figure out the next chapter of my life. I don't know if i want to stay in WV or if I want to move away. Now the plans are to move away since there isn't really anything keeping me in the state anymore. It'd be nice to go away and be Just Netty. To start fresh and to be a different well not different but be someone that no one knows my life history. Now i'm not sure if I'm staying or going. But as winter sets in...the possibiilities are endless. Where do i want to go? i'm not sure. What do i have at stake...everything. Do i have anything to lose? not really. And so the dilemma begins...

Just a Dream

The time we got caught up
It was only just a dream
A little slice of heaven
It was just you and me
The kisses dropped my stomach
the hugs showed me love
the caresses made me shiver
with goosebumps from my toes up
I said i didn't love you
deep within my heart
but truly i can't be in love with you
I done being torn apart.
It was only for the moment
when i looked you in the eye
a moment that seemed like ages
that made stars shoot high above
This final kiss was superb
and made fireworks start to fly
for the times that we got caught
for a moment life didn't pass me by
And once I drove away
I realized this one thing
Your not sitting next to me
I'm laying in bed all alone
and this was just a dream.

Take me to the King

Take me to the King: Tamela Mann

Chorus:
Take Me To The King
I don't have much to bring
My heart is torn in pieces
It's my offering
Take Me To The King

Verse 1:
Truth is I'm tired
Options are few
I'm trying to pray
But where are you?
I'm all churched out
Hurt and abused
I can't fake
What's left to do?

Truth is I'm weak
No strength to fight
No tears to cry
Even if I tried
But still my soul
Refuses to die
One touch-will change-my life

Chorus:
Take Me To The King
I don't have much to bring
My heart's torn into pieces
It's my offering

Lay me at the throne
Leave me there alone
To gaze upon Your glory
And sing to You this song
Please Take Me To The King
[ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/tamela_mann/take_me_to_the_king.html ]
Verse 2:
Truth is it's time
To stop playing these games
We need a word
For the people's pain

So Lord speak right now
Let it fall like rain
We're desperate
We're chasing after you

Bridge:
No rules, no religion
I've made my decision
To run to You
The healer that I need

Chorus:
Take Me To The King
I don't have much to bring
My heart's torn to pieces
It's my offering

Lay me at the throne
Leave me there alone
To gaze upon Your glory
And to sing to You this song

Take Me To The

Lord we're in the way
We keep making mistakes
Glory is not for us
It's all for You

Chorus
Take Me To The King
I don't have much to bring
My heart's torn to pieces
It's my offering

Lay me at the throne
Leave me there alone
To gaze upon Your glory
And sing to You this song

Take Me To The King 3x



I decided to take a deeper look inside myself for the guilt that I've been feeling lately. I guess maybe because this 'old' girl used to be a fornicater. I also used to not like church people. I've found more double minded people amongst churches than I have when I was out in the world. This song has really resonated with me today. I listened to it before i went to work. I was singing it last night. I was singing this morning. even in my dreams this song was playing. I've been known to make poor decisions which ultimately have led me to be wrong on a lot of occasions. But today, this conviction is just swallowing me whole. How do you say no to people you care about? How do you turn and walk away and do the right thing when everything within you is yearning to be there to help? For example; I offered my car to someone because they were getting ready to go on a trip and theirs wasn't working. Now really it's their own sink or swim. But genuinely we want to help the best that we can. It's not about getting something in return. No man can pluck us from the hand of God. But we willing fall out of it and into the world. It's like if sitting on the fence wasn't enough. We have to choose the difficult road in order to succeed in what "we" want to do. It's like an adrenaline Junky....they live for that rush and taste of almost dying. They don't know if they are going to live thru the endeavor but they do it anyway. When i think about the things in my life that i've done I'm never going to forget it. But i have let it go. It's glancing once in a while in that rear view mirror and realzing that time isn't on our side and that we don't know if we'll live from moment to moment.
So on this absolutely gorgeous day...think about the conviction/guilt that is in your life. Think about how you can make it better. and think about what within you should change. Don't ever change for someone; change for you and you alone. Because at the end of the day; It's you who's going to have to truly live with it.

Be blessed

Crazy Moment

So i got a little crazy and highlighted my hair! Ha I know crazy! Especially for me. BUt hey i don't have anything to lose. :) just one more step to conquering me!

The Peace that passeth all understanding

Sitting in silence
the world seems to change
an unexpected victory
i praise His holy name
Admist the storm around me
I stand within the eye
surrounded by his glory
the peace on the inside
I never understood
my trials and tribulations
but whether tomorrow comes or not
He's helping me thru my situation
There's beauty all around me
His splendor calms my soul
though the storm rages around me
I know he's got a hold
The peace that is within me
helps me conquer the world
I'm not the girl i used to be
that indecisive old girl
I stand about a rock now
and i'm weathering this storm
it's the peace that passeth all understanding
And now and forever
will I stand
with my Lord!

Praise Him when we win; Praise Him when we lose!

This past week has brought on a whole slew of eye-opening experiences. It has shown me truly the colors of people that i thought were roots on my tree...when in turn they turned out to be a good solid branch. I've been angry, upset, crazy, depressed, uplifted, humbled, loved and utterly blessed all in a 5 day period. I've been put down and discouraged; talked about and dehumanized and severely humiliated. We never know how strong we are until we get on our knees and pray. Though I feel like i've worked my head off this week...I've found myself praying more and more. And then the times when i'm blessed for no reason...i'm praying even more. I'm wanting to get in the word and wanting to stand up and wanting to continue to be me.   I'm terrified of being alone. But i'd rather be alone and a little depressed than to be comfortable with someone who doesn't show love well. I'm not settling for anything less. I'm so much better than a booty call. And to some that may sound harsh and i'm not putting anyone on blast...but God has shown me what honor the temple is. If i go out and look for trash... that's what i'll get. But if i wait on him...He'll bring who i'm suppose to be with. It's only a matter of time. At this point the biggest favor that was ever paid to me was when I got divorce. Don't get me wrong i would have loved to spend forever with him. But it wasn't in the cards. And for the first time i can say that without hesitation. I've learned who I am thru the storm. I've learned how to pray. I've learned how to trust. I've learned how to love without getting it back. In it all I've found me.  It's kind of a crappy way to do things but I've found more peace in my heart in the last week than i have ever felt from the first year that I was with him. And now, God is taking me to a place where i don't want to look back. Yes, the memories are nice, but I'm making memories. I've living life. I may be struggling and I may have almost nothing...but i don't need things. I don't need to find material things to make me happy. I can do this alone. And thru the good days and the bad days I will praise him. If I never get married again or have children I'm gonna praise him. Faith is the substance of things not seen. I may not be able to see God; yet, I feel him, I trust him, I know him. And though I sin everyday; The ground is level at calvary. My sin may be different than someone elses but that doesn't mean that he loves me any less. It doesn't mean he's not going to forgive me. As my pastor would say ' You worry about sweeping off your back porch and I'll worry about sweeping off mine.'

So whether I win...I'll praise Him. And whether I lose...I'll praise Him.

Be blessed!

Hardest Goodbye

People say that life should be simple. Keep things in check. Do what's right. They tell you all the positives but most of the time don't follow up with the negatives. I guess in that case i'm a slow learner.
This will be the last post that i do that has to do with my ex husband. I said goodbye today. Maybe not to his face because i couldn't do it without crying but I feel almost disengaged. It had to be done as most of you will say. it's time for my life to start. It's time to focus on God and to leave him out. well here's whats on my heart...


I waited in the rain today
and was chilled to the bone
I had to see that handsome face
smiling as usual.
My nerves have drove me batty
and my knees like to shake
I hate myself everyday
for those stupid mistakes
The wind was whipping fiercely
as i waited for you to come
Goodbye wasn't even the words i could say
I felt all undone.
i'm done with all the games now
the drama and the hate
but still inside my heart
you'll be hard to replace.
I'm standing on my own two feet
and can barely make ends meet
It's just a weird twist of fate
that seems to be filled with hate
I wanted to say i'm sorry
i wanted to steal a hug
but i turned and walked away quickly
So you couldn't see my face
Thank the Lord for the rain
as the tears began to flow.
Goodbye was all i could whisper
but it was too low.
A part of me feels liberated
emancipated from you
but still Goodbye wasn't easy.
It's time to let you go.
Please forgive my mishaps
please forgive the lies
You'll always be the first man
that i could see forever in your eyes
I hope that your happy
atleast you seem to be
but our book is finished...
So Goodbye....
and don't forget me.

I can do bad all by myself

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CDdV-pN9pjk

I can do bad all by myself

Somebody told me once that pain is a game we all gotta play.
Then why am I in overtime and sudden death every other day.
I know that for the good of life there's a price we all gotta pay
But I'll pay till I'm poor and I still don't know what it is to have a good day, yeah

Since everybody knows what it is that I need to do.
Well do me a favor, let me worry bout me and you worry bout you.

[Chorus:]
I don't need no one to put me down,
I'm on the ground, can't get no lower.
And I don't need no one to hang around and make me frown just makes me look older.
And I don't need no one to black my eye and tell me lies
Don't wanna cry over nobody else
No no no no I can do bad all by myself

[Verse 2]
Somebody told me once that running from the rain don't make no sense.
I had my own dark cloud for awhile now, it goes where ever I'm going, yeah
They're telling me the grass just might be greener on the other side.
But I don't wanna take a chance on dirt when I got grass even though the grass has died.

Oh since everybody knows what it is that I need to do,
Well do me a favor, let me worry bout me and you worry bout you

[Chorus]

[Bridge:]
Don't waste time feeling bad for me
I didn't ask you for your sympathy
No I know God is watching over me
So I guess this is where I'm suppose to be
Ohh yes

I know that this song right now is just blaring in my head and i can't stop singing it. I am so sick and tired of people telling me who i need to be and what i need to do and how i need to do it. There is nothing wrong with who i am. I like who i am. And if someone doesnt like me then get to stepping. I don't have time for people trying to run my life and try to change who i am. I changed myself for men multiple times and I aint changing again. Maybe this is just the city coming out in me but i'm done with that crap. I'm done with the you better watch what you say to people and how you present things to people. Ya know i am trying to live my life the way i see fit. And if someone has a problem with it maybe they need to turn that mirror on themselves. I LOVE WHO I AM! I have been blessed with an amazing family who loves me. I have the best friends in the world. And God is always with me. What more do i need? Nothing. So as the sentiment goes....I can do bad all by myself

Travelling along

There have been many highs for the week and a few lows but definitely more blessed than not. I keep on trying to find ways to keep myself busy and away from everything that is going to cause me sin. For the most part I've been extremely successful avoiding temptation. But then again there are a few things that have just kind of stopped me in my tracks. For example: An acquaintance of mine asked me to be his gf. Well we all know that i don't date to date. It was OK at first but when he tried to be smart and prove a point...the conviction rolled over me. I'm not who i was 5 and half years ago...I'm not who i was 3 months ago. I don't do that kind of thing anymore and it seems like that's all men want. No i'm not saying all men there have been a few that have truly blessed me by helping me keep my honor as well as their own. It's just hard to think that men want you to give up the goods and skip over the consequences all the while not wanting for than something temporary. I may not be ready to commit to someone and give them 100% of me and my heart...but i'm definitely not selling myself short because they want a good time.

Psalm 27

King James Version (KJV)

27 The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?

² When the wicked, even mine enemies and my foes, came upon me to eat up my flesh, they stumbled and fell.

³ Though an host should encamp against me, my heart shall not fear: though war should rise against me, in this will I be confident.

⁴ One thing have I desired of the Lord, that will I seek after; that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to behold the beauty of the Lord, and to enquire in his temple.

⁵ For in the time of trouble he shall hide me in his pavilion: in the secret of his tabernacle shall he hide me; he shall set me up upon a rock.

⁶ And now shall mine head be lifted up above mine enemies round about me: therefore will I offer in his tabernacle sacrifices of joy; I will sing, yea, I will sing praises unto the Lord.

⁷ Hear, O Lord, when I cry with my voice: have mercy also upon me, and answer me.

⁸ When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, Lord, will I seek.

⁹ Hide not thy face far from me; put not thy servant away in anger: thou hast been my help; leave me not, neither forsake me, O God of my salvation.

¹⁰ When my father and my mother forsake me, then the Lord will take me up.

¹¹ Teach me thy way, O Lord, and lead me in a plain path, because of mine enemies.

¹² Deliver me not over unto the will of mine enemies: for false witnesses are risen up against me, and such as breathe out cruelty.

¹³ I had fainted, unless I had believed to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

¹⁴ Wait on the Lord: be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart: wait, I say, on the Lord.

My Verse of the day is verse 14. Wait on the Lord. That is the hardest thing in the world to do. Because we are not naturally patient people. But in the times that i need him the most he says be patient my child for i am with thee.
the next part of that is be of good courage and he shall strengthen thine heart. It just proves to me that no matter how much pain i'm in...The Lord dwells within my heart and he is giving me the strength to overcome everything. It's just one day at a time and for me lately it's been 3 mintues at a time. Just to reiterate it Wait. be patient. God isn't done with us and he has to keep repeating himself to make sure that we know that he is still God. He has the power to show us who's God. It's like this: when we sin...it's like we are covering Jesus' back with those strips. And still by his wounds we are healed. By those stripes no matter how many times we sin and we walk away God is still God and Jesus still loves us enough to give his life for us. And for that I know that i am a sinner. Romans 8: 28 says: For all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of the Lord. We all sin. Just because my sin is different then someone elses' doesn't make me any less guilty. I know that i'm not perfect. There is no man/woman that is. But in the times of chaos that is when we are truly tested. Tested by how we act, how we speak, how we work and our drive to pray. When we can't stand anymore that is when faith is best served. On our knees. Everything happens and even though the we are victorious in the end; we still have to travel along this road. We just have to choose which road we take. Do we take the way of the world (broad) or the way of the righteous (narrow)

Which road do you choose?

What do i stand for?

Watch "Fun - Some Nights Clean Version" on YouTube
A friend of mine and i discovered this song while shoe shopping. The song is one of those ones that makes you think. It tells a story of war. Almost like the.life we have now. What do we stand for? You hear the song and tell mea

Winning or losing

Mark 8: 36
For what shall it profit a man, if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?


Thats my verse of the day. The more i think about the events of my life the more i keep coming back to what am i gaining in this and what am i losing. I mean seriously. When we seek wisdom we go to the elderly people...because they have lived their lives and been through more than we can even understand. Also when we seek wisdom we go to people who have been in similar situations. But in the end it's our choice what we choose to do.
Jeremiah 29: 11 For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
That to me says I know what I want for you. I have predestined your life and I want it to be filled with peace. God doesn't want us to fail. Yet, we choose the easy route all the time.
There are many things that i've done wrong to a lot of people. And the person that i did the most wrong to was my ex husband. No, i'm not saying he was right 100% of the time...but a good 85% he was.  In a lot of ways, i think that divorce is really just an excuse to find someone new have sex with them and possibly make a future. No i'm not saying thats what happened between us; but in a lot of relationships it is. We aren't settled with the good things we have...so we seek it elsewhere. We don't want to be necessarily with the same person for the rest of our lives though many have the drive to do it. We go in not expecting things to change but they do. And when they do it's like a sad dose of reality. I know most of you are thinking what am i getting at?

To the Mark 8: 36- What did i profit? I gained the world. What did i lose? My dignity, my pride, my self-respect; my heart; my home; my children...etc. I lost everything.
It's so easy to say hey, i'm going to start over and i know that my glass is half full. but when you truly think about it your glass is half empty and the glass itself is broken and leaking. But through all these different ordeals i've been thru, I can still say i'm blessed.
God isn't done with me I'm a work in progress.
So ask your self  are you winning or losing? And with either answer 1. what needs to be changed? 2. is it worth it? am i glorifying God thru it all?

A brand new me

I may not wear make up
my hair may be a mess
i may not always look ok
but i am utterly blessed
I've turned my life around now
i am liking what i see
this is the start of something great
a brand new me
my house isn't always spotless
sometimes i burp real loud
i tend to cook way to much food
and stuff it all in my mouth
i like the cheaper things in life
the simpler it is the better
it's a road to my own happiness
the brand new me
so if you dont like
the way i look or smell
if you think i should cater to you
i truly wish you well
i dont want to be a princess
i don't want to be a queen
i just want to be the mess that God has made me
This is truly the new me!

On my own

There has been so much hurt and pain in life within really the last year and half. I've been back in WV officially just over a year. Now that i think about it I don't think i was truly ready to move back but there wasn't anything for me in Michigan. Yes, family and some friends and acquaintances, but that wasn't where my heart was. My heart is in WV. I believe it will stay here. But now being through all that i have, Im learning what love isn't. I'm learning how to hate and i'm learning how to beat people to the punch. I don't want to be a liar. I don't want to avoid the truth. Yet, all in the same i'm finding that the more of the truth i speak the less people i have in my life. I've made so many mistakes in my life and i'm only 25 years old. I don't want to keep repeating mistakes that i've made in the past yet, all the same it's what i know. It's what i'm comfortable with. Now, I've lost my best friend...in a word it sucks. But i can't stand by and be someone that i'm not. I did that when i was married and ended up running away. I didn't speak my mind. I didn't tell the truth and when times got really tough i resorted to alcohol to take me a way if only for a few minutes. Thats not who i am. Thats not what i want to be remember for. At the same time though, i don't want people coming up to me and being like...Hey your adams ex wife? or your adams wife? or aren't you related to my old bus driver?
I am my own person. I want to be Just Netty! Nothing else. I'm Netty. I may have been married to Adam but we are no more. I want to just be able to go somewhere and not be known as someones ex wife. I don't think people understand how much it hurts to be seen not as an individual myself but as someones counterpart. I'm not perfect and i never will be. But i will make my stand on my own with the help of my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ to get through all that i've been through. And when the time comes I'll be known as Netty. The girl that can raise the roof when she sings. The girl that messed up but is blessed because she isn't willing to give up. The girl that is going places and is going to be somebody. NOt that being someone in mans eyes really matters Because i am somebody in Gods eyes.
It's time for me to take a stand with the help of God and not the help of man.

6/4/2006 through to someone you cant forget

going through the day
always on the fly
wondering where your going
or how your going to die
I don't know what it is
but your like a bad cold
something thats so controlling
and stuck deep in your soul.
I sit through all these moments
just trying to pretend
that i had never ever loved you
and that this pain would end
Imagine me in 5 years
all grown with a career
would you still think i'm pretty
would that finally be fair
I hate that i'm still stuck
and i'm feeling rather blue
but i know that i'll still love you
even though we're through.

The City Girl is back!

I'm so done being the bad guy. I'm done dealing with all this drama. I write thats what i do. And if someone doesn't like what i write well then thats too bad for them. I'm done cowering and ducking my tail so i don't make him mad. I'm better than that and i deserve better than that. But apparently i don't have any true friends that know us both. First I'm told its on Tumblr. Well i don't have a tumbler account therefore thats a great big fat lie. I'm tired of being lied to and i'm tired of being the one that is reprimanded because he found something out that he doesn't like. Poems are an expression on whats on your heart and i've been writing a whole lot longer than i was with him. So im gonna keep writing and i'm gonna keep being me. i've never stopped being me but for a while i forgot who i was. Now i'm back to the God fearing woman that God has made me and i'm not backing down to any man. Especially one that can't turn the mirror on himself. I know i've screwed up...but by the grace of God I've been forgiven.  I'm not gonna stop being me and if he doesn't like me then it wasn't meant to be in the first place.

Cheater

I saw your face today
i thought my heart would leap
it didn't do a thing at all
expect for when i hear you speak
i know that its done and over with
we are no longer us
but we have made one big mess
But we're done so thats a plus
I can't believed i laid with you
month after month
that thought of being loved by you
was all that i could want
but i guess cheating goes both ways
we hurt the ones we love
only this time it was my mistake
I was the mistress of your love
I waited through the hard year
and thought that we could try
but in the end i was full of fear
and all day i would cry
it should have never happened 
yet, unfortunately it did
i feel like the black sheep now
when we did what we did
They didn't deserve the lying
or the truth that was never known
But now i'm the one whos crying
and your happier with her alone
I wish nothing but the best for you
as always within my heart
but the truth be known
once a cheater always a cheater
as the story goes
it takes two to tango love
and i've made my stand on the floor
but in the end i won't be alone
because now shes gone
and i'm out the door!

Old school poem: heart race from 2004

I met you while we were playing with kids
i didn’t know someone loved them like i did
I smiled sweetly and cracked jokes on you
Hopefully to my surprise i didn’t make you blue

My heart was wrenched when i walked away
i just wish i could have just stayed
But when i got home all i could see is your face
Which made me giddy and light headed like i was from outer space.

I fell in love from the moment I met you
I disappeared in my daze
I was surprised to find out really soon
That you felt the same way
I fell in love with a glimpse of your face
But all I knew was my body couldn’t keep up with my heart race

We hung out a lot with no time to waste
But I sometimes bugged me your slow walking pace
When my sisters decided that you were hot
I didn’t know what I was going to say in the hot spot

You kissed me softly as it began to rain
There were no signs of sadness anger or pain
I want to be with you now and forever
Yet, I still want this relationship to be cute and clever

I fell in love from the moment i met you
I disappeared in my daze
I was surprised to find out really soon
That you felt the same way
I fell in love with a glimpse of your face
But all i knew was my body couldn’t keep up with my heart race

Once Upon a dream....

Over the last several days i have come to realize that there are so many wonderful things about my life that i've completely taken for granted. I am so blessed to have such amazing people in my life. The book of Ecclesiastes gives me hope:

3 To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

² A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;

³ A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;

⁴ A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;

⁵ A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;

⁶ A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;

⁷ A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;

⁸ A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

This is a new season. It's a new way to look around and see the world thru God's eyes. It's a way to open up and possibly love again. Though i admit i may never love 100 % again because i gave my 100 % and failed miserably at it. My actions came with a cost and with that cost i lost everything. But now is not the time to focus on the negative in my life...it's not the time to welcome the new season and the new things that God has in store for me. It's the time to say Thank you to those who have helped me along the way and goodbye to those that aren't necessary. It seems to be to kind of be a time of solitude but even so...I'm still learning. I'm learning to make better decisions. I'm learning how to stand on my own. Im learning what i need and what i don't need within my life. And though i've vowed to myself not to sleep with another man until i am married again...that thought is still difficult to swallow. I want to be the best that i can in the Lord and in doing so I am abstaining from the appearance of sin.  I am not perfect but I am a work in progress. He is the potter and I am the clay and He is ever molding me into what he wants me to be. And for this i am thankful. As man chooses when he/she wants to give up on us; God is always there. He omnipresent. the beginning and the end. He is my alpha and omega! And to this I owe him my life.

Theres a play that i love a whole lot. It's called Jekyll and Hyde. There are songs in it that talk about the evil that everyone has within us. There are contradictions in it though. If God made everything and said it was good than how can we be evil? Theres a song called once upon a dream...and it kind of reflects parts of my life. When I was/am head over heels in love and we see more the good in people ( which we should) than to see their flaws. It's one of those melancholy songs that just makes you wonder what truly happens when we fall in love and how that love is going to last if we only focus on us. The bible says that a man will leave his mother and father and cleave to his wife...marriage is a never ending fight. A fight that i feel i was too young to fight for. Don't get me wrong I've learned many valuable lessons on how to be a wife and how to trust God...but in the end I wasn't willing to fight. I got scared and ran away. Now all i have is a few picture memories from the love that I shared with someone. Though many people think that he is an awful person but he did what he believed was right and was biblical. I can't be mad at that. He is a good man. And I pray that he can find the sunshine through the rain...and the light at the end of the tunnel. I am so blessed to say that he was in my life for the last 5 years. They were hard at times but i know now that even through our pain we were blessed. And i would appreciate if anyone who reads this has anything bad to say about him; and i find out you will answer to me. No threats just honesty. I want to world to know that just because i messed up and he made a decision that doesn't make him a bad person. IF thats the case than he who has no sin cast the first stone. Judge and be judged.

As for now, God is my Jehovah Jireh ( My provider) And i will stand and be under his shadow as long as i keep walking upright and trusting him. He will be there for me.

Doing what's right

It's so hard to think about life when you get caught in a moment with someone. Having the will power to say no. And for the first time in my life truly listening to God about the situation. No I'm not saying it was easy...but being on the brink to give away something so important to who you are makes the decision even more memorable. There was a time in my life that i would have said yes to just about anyone. Because i was yearning and wanting to feel something. I was so numb to the world that the physicality of someone close was all i could feel. In my numbness i found someone who wanted to repair or help repair my brokenness. And in return i eventually made some bad calls and went back to doing what i knew best and running away. It's so strange for me to read the Bible and see all these people unafraid to stand for what they believe in...and i couldn't stand in my marriage. Maybe it makes me sound old fashioned but unless God provides me with a man who is a Godly man and who he tells me I'm suppose to be with...there are no men for me right now worth a one night stand to get a temporary satisfaction that will disappear in the morning. And no man should want that with me. I'm a daughter of a King and i deserve a Prince

The truth shall make you free

This is one of those things that i have been grappling with here lately. John 8:32 says: And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free...

It's been going thru my head more so now than ever. There are so many truths i know that i just keep pushing out of my head and i know that in the end i was wrong but then it's like i'm lying to myself and to the others who would be hurt by knowing the truth. So what do i do? Do i tell them the truth or do i just sit on it and let time play out the feat thats going to happen when they eventually find out? I'm not sure. I just know that the truths that are within my heart would hurt a lot of people. But at the same time it's something that i've hidden for so long that if someone asks me i already have a rehearsed answer. Does that make me wrong? I've growing leaps and bounds but at the same time its like i'm standing still. I'm standing in the very place that i've been so long that i don't know which way to turn to and what the right thing to do is. 
It also says in the bible that who the son sets free is free indeed. And i know that i'm free but i still feel somehow bound to the wrongs that i have in my life. Doing the right thing ruins relationships with people i truly care about and have hurt in the past. Yet, sitting on the truth and not telling isn't that also hurting the relationship? A lie is a lie is a lie... But what do we sacrifice in order to tell the truth?

In my opinion if we are to be like Christ then we should always tell the truth no matter how much it's going to hurt that person. It may make them hate us but in the end then we do not have a grudge against our brother. And we did it the respectful way to tell the truth. 

Do whats right today because if tomorrow doesn't come then we made amends.

Between a rock and a hard place

For once in my life i would love for someone to do what they say they are going to do. Don't get me wrong i understand that things come up but i would just like to feel important to someone. I don't mean in a greedy kind of way but in a way where i can be someone they want to hang out with or be around. I love my solitude i do...but I'm just done being there for people and when i need someone i can't find anyone. I know that theres a time for everything ( Ecclesiates 3) And maybe this is just my time to say God take it all. Prayers are appreciated

Quitting you

I stood in this moment
gazing at the stars
a gentle kiss upon my next
reminded me where we are
the kind caresses
the endless days of sleep
I need to quit this feeling
before i'm in to deep
I really miss the laughter
the gaming and the drives
but it's time to stop pretending
that you are still mine
I have to get up each morning
and wish you away
I have to sleep each night
on the other side of the state
I'm really going to quit you
good things do come to an end
I have to stop pretending that
somehow we can be friends
My heart is changing now
that we aren't what we were
And deep down
i believe i quit you
though to me it seems absurd.
My own home is coming together now
I'm standing on my own
it's official that i've quit you...
even when i didn't know how.
The love that i once shared for you
is like a distant drum
it's fading into the background
of who i have become
I'm gonna be just fine
don't worry about me
the best thing that we could have ever done
was quit being you and me.

Courage is fear on its knees

  I've realized lately that I've been  making all kinds of excuses in my life. More excuses than are necessary. Plus it seems to me that my problems are all matters of the heart. I'm reading a book called The Fiddler by Beverly Lewis. It's a fantastic book. It's helping me open my eyes to so many things that i didn't want to take the time to see. It talks about that connection when you first meet someone; the differences in upbringings and cultures; When to know that you truly love someone; and when your willingly sinning so you don't have to hear the flack from other people even though it's not what God has willed us to do.
I find it fascinating that God is showing me my wrongs through a book. I'm truly between a rock and a hard place. My heart is telling me one thing and my mind that seems to be more vengeful as of late is telling me something different. Gods told me to hold on to what he's promised me and i'm still trying to take things into my own hands. I've laid down my heart...now i have to let him work.

The quote from the book Courage is Fear on its Knees... reminds me of us in our christian walk. We are weak and God helps make us strong. It helps us on this journey in life and it helps open our eyes to all the wonderful blessings that God has bestowed upon us. Just yesterday i couldn't find my drivers license. I know go me! lol. But I said a prayer and asked God to help me find it and He did. I just had to take the time and trust that he was going to direct my past. I'm having a hard time with temptation. I know i am. But i'm reading the word and doing my best not to give into it. I don't want to keep looking in my rear view mirror. I want to look straight ahead and He has blessed me with the best friends a girl could as for. They know me like a book and know when my heart is hurting and they pray with me when i need it and cry with me and bring chocolate when i'm upset. ( like that doesn't fix things...) But they are the blessings that i've been looking for. I need more of God and less of me. This is my life and i choose what i'll do with it but i also have to go when He tells me too.


The challenge today is to find your inner courage. Right what wrongs have been done. And pray for the courage and the strength for God to give you the words to speak only what he would like you to speak. And stay on your knees in prayer until something happens.


Have a blessed day!

A change in scenery

  I have spent so much time wondering and waiting for tomorrow to come and most of the time it seems like i don't want it to come. I wait and wait for the rain to stop but it hasn't. Someone told me that i'm causing others pain. that i'm ruining other peoples lives. I don't think that people take into consideration how they make me feel in the process of why i feel the way i do. It's not a matter of whats right or whats wrong. it's not about who's mindset it better; it's about the truth and that the truth hurts.  In the last week or so since i havent blogged or anything iv'e found that i'm searching and searching for something. I'm not sure what it is that i'm looking for but i know that it's gonna be something good. It's not gonna be how many people i can sleep with because thats out of the will of God. It's not gonna be how many dreams and goals i have that i havent reached but what can i do now. what can i do for me.


  So here's what i've come up with:

1. I need to learn how to let go and let God. Because when i keep trying to fix things myself i just screw them up 100 times more than they were messed up to begin with.
2. I need to learn to keep my business my business. Yes i know that puts a little bit of a damper on what i'll be sharing on this blog.
3. I have to completely and utterly love myself. No matter how many times people tell me i'm beautiful or sexy or gorgeous i have to believe it myself before the rest of my confidence can be restored.
4. I have to be patient and wait on God. Patience truly isn't my thing but i'm learning. everyday brings a new challenge and i need to know that I have someone out that that's gonna love this mess that i am. And i won't have to change.
5. Move on with my life. The past is the past. Theres no point in dwelling in the rear view mirror and try to change things when you can't open up your eyes and look to whats in front of you because we're too busy worrying about what was and dwelling on the past.

I think of all them...5. is gonna be the hardest for me. There were so many things i did wrong in my marriage. So many stupid mistakes that i could have avoided but in the end i gave up and gave in to the world. I know i hurt my ex husband badly. But i can't change the divorce and i can't change his mind. I can just be me and keep on doing the things that i need to do for me. It's not about what i can do for him anymore. it's about what i can do to make my life better without him. And by the grace of God...I'll be doing just that.

No challenges today just take the time to look yourself in the mirror and decide if you like what you see. If you don't; you have the authority and the power to change it. :)

Have a blessed day!