Ever sit and wonder what the hell you did wrong? What happened to the starry-eye child with dreams and aspirations? And then one day you wake up to drool in your armpit; a peed bed and a snoring 2 year old? THIS IS THE LIFE! I'm not saying that i'm regretting having a child...NEVER. He is a blessing that i truly don't deserve. However, When you look into the mirror and you see the extra weight you've put on; the messy hair; the possibly dirty clothes that you might wear for the second day because you don't have a washer/ dryer hook-up in your apartment and you think damn....what the hell!
There was a time in my life when I wanted to go places and be someone and then I woke up! I woke up to bills being late and rent being behind and everything around you falling apart because hey if you don't have bad luck you have NO kind of luck at all. Yes, to most of you this is just a ranting and raving about how sucky my life is....but that isn't my point.
My point is this.... 10 years ago i was fresh out of high school going to a great Christian college dreaming of being an actress on broadway. I wanted to be an Idina Menzel or a Sutton Foster. I wanted to share my song with the world but instead I flunked out. I wasn't a good actress. I didn't have that certain pizazz they were looking for. So i wanted to be a vocalist. But i wasn't good at that either. I took a full time job once i moved to WV working in telemarketing...woo hoo what a glorious life. But hey thanks to my amazing sister and brother in law i had a house; a working vehicle; a job and my bills were paid. I dicked around so to speak met a great man who I wanted to spend forever with and our dreams were in sync.
BLAH BLAH BLAH! I wanted the fairy tale. I wanted the happily ever after. I WANTED TO BE SO IMPORTANT TO SOMEONE THAT THEY COULD LOVE ME JUST AS THE MESS I WAS! Yup, I had those self conflicting issues too. But nah, we dont talk about those. We don't talk about the hard stuff. WE don't talk about the real hurt because it's just that it hurts way way to much. Some people self inflict...I drank. I drank like a fish. Been divorced over 4 years. I have a beautiful toddler and i'm still stuck. I'm stuck in the self doubt. I'm stuck in the i'm not worth it. I'm stuck in a hole that i can't find my way out of and when I've been there for everyone else....I have very very few that give 2 shits about how the hell i'm doing. Thats a rant for another day
Lets focus on this:
We are all just running this race called life seeking a prize that will get us into the promise land. We don't want to make mountains out of mole hills and still we are all just running. We are aimlessly running around. Some of us have a heading and someone of us are adrift at sea not knowing where the hell we are at...then there's ones like me....my boat is sinking quicker than i can bail out the water. So i ask you about passion; about dreams; about aspirations....about hope.
Where the hell is it? Pessimistic, eh, maybe! I ask myself all the time why i wait for a man to love and i'm so afraid to let someone close because that means that i'm vulnerable and yet i seek that attention to want to be loved. I can love my son; I can nurture and i can discipline him. Hopefully i can raise him to be a great man...but the question becomes...at the end of the day....who's gonna hold me when I cry? Who's gonna tell me it's gonna be ok when I need nurture? Who's gonna love me for the mess that I am?
Think about it? Turn this post onto your own life! Do you like what you see in the mirror?
There was a time in my life when I wanted to go places and be someone and then I woke up! I woke up to bills being late and rent being behind and everything around you falling apart because hey if you don't have bad luck you have NO kind of luck at all. Yes, to most of you this is just a ranting and raving about how sucky my life is....but that isn't my point.
My point is this.... 10 years ago i was fresh out of high school going to a great Christian college dreaming of being an actress on broadway. I wanted to be an Idina Menzel or a Sutton Foster. I wanted to share my song with the world but instead I flunked out. I wasn't a good actress. I didn't have that certain pizazz they were looking for. So i wanted to be a vocalist. But i wasn't good at that either. I took a full time job once i moved to WV working in telemarketing...woo hoo what a glorious life. But hey thanks to my amazing sister and brother in law i had a house; a working vehicle; a job and my bills were paid. I dicked around so to speak met a great man who I wanted to spend forever with and our dreams were in sync.
BLAH BLAH BLAH! I wanted the fairy tale. I wanted the happily ever after. I WANTED TO BE SO IMPORTANT TO SOMEONE THAT THEY COULD LOVE ME JUST AS THE MESS I WAS! Yup, I had those self conflicting issues too. But nah, we dont talk about those. We don't talk about the hard stuff. WE don't talk about the real hurt because it's just that it hurts way way to much. Some people self inflict...I drank. I drank like a fish. Been divorced over 4 years. I have a beautiful toddler and i'm still stuck. I'm stuck in the self doubt. I'm stuck in the i'm not worth it. I'm stuck in a hole that i can't find my way out of and when I've been there for everyone else....I have very very few that give 2 shits about how the hell i'm doing. Thats a rant for another day
Lets focus on this:
We are all just running this race called life seeking a prize that will get us into the promise land. We don't want to make mountains out of mole hills and still we are all just running. We are aimlessly running around. Some of us have a heading and someone of us are adrift at sea not knowing where the hell we are at...then there's ones like me....my boat is sinking quicker than i can bail out the water. So i ask you about passion; about dreams; about aspirations....about hope.
Where the hell is it? Pessimistic, eh, maybe! I ask myself all the time why i wait for a man to love and i'm so afraid to let someone close because that means that i'm vulnerable and yet i seek that attention to want to be loved. I can love my son; I can nurture and i can discipline him. Hopefully i can raise him to be a great man...but the question becomes...at the end of the day....who's gonna hold me when I cry? Who's gonna tell me it's gonna be ok when I need nurture? Who's gonna love me for the mess that I am?
Think about it? Turn this post onto your own life! Do you like what you see in the mirror?
