To Stay or To Go?

I sit here contemplating
To stay or to go
to hold on to the hope
that one day your love will show
but if i stay here longer
will my heart be the same?
will you still like me flaws and all
will you be there through my shames?

But if i choose to Go
i leave a piece of me behind
my heart will be broken i'm sure
because this love was undefined
yet, going would be a fresh start
to find out who i am
a chance to make a better me
to start with a brand new plan

So sitting here wondering....
what tomorrow brings...
I know who holds my tomorrow
I know who knows no shame
He's put this path before me
do i go left or right?
He knows my choice before i'll make it
He just prays I choose right.
No matter what it may be
or more what it may not.
MY God has never left me
even through all the pain i've wrought.
So as i'm standing at the crossroad
to stay or to go...
I pray that God guide me
I'm letting him take control.
I know my tomorrows are never promised
but i am in the palm of his hand
So while i let my LORD guide me....
I'll pray and I'll Stand!

I sit here contemplating
To stay or to go
to hold on to the hope
that one day your love will show
but if i stay here longer
will my heart be the same?
will you still like me flaws and all
will you be there through my shames?

And the answer is I'm listening....and waiting to take Gods Hand.

Remember

I put my sweat pants on
Throw my hair up in a messy bun
dabbed on mascara
put my shoes
and I walked out the door
Cause this wasn't home no more

The day was colder
The rain had begun to fall
i turned my car on turned the music up loud
THat song you'd sing
played on radio
and i cried
As the rain fell outside
Do you remember
when it was me and you
Time was frozen
and the skies were blue
now your nothing
my heart is broken
and i can't see thru the rain
do you remember....
Me and you.
At night as I lay down
With your tshirt hanging down
Cuddled the king sized bed
we used to share
Silence gathered round
tears never seemed to stop falling
WHY CAN'T I SHAKE THIS MEMORY?!
Those kisses i remembered
The nights we spent together
The hope I had in YOU AND ME
Now i stare into the darkness
with the smell of you that lingers
You took away the best part of me!

Do you Remember????
Oh
DO YOU REMEMBER???
OH,
Do you remember
when it was me and you
Time was frozen
and the skies were blue
now your nothing
my heart is broken
and i can't see thru the rain
do you remember....
Me and you.

How can i remember to forget

Ever have those moments when you do something that you truly think that you want to do and in the end you feel like nothing but a piece of ass?

YUP ME TOO! It's crazy to think that time can stand still for a single moment and everything feels perfect and then there's this warning going off in your head telling you that you're a complete idiot.

That seems to be an everyday occurrence for me. I gripe about not being able to keep a relationship...when the one I love is 1200 miles away. The one i want is 2 hours away....and the one i hang with is 5 minutes away. This alone makes me sound like a 'loose' woman but thats not the case.

I've come to realize that my heart is too big. I fall fast and I fall hard because i give all of who i am to the ones that make me feel safe. Love is a very scewed kind of emotion...action... it's something that most people cling to in order to feel something...no wait thats infatuation.

Either way no matter how's it's broken down there are still those moments that make everything feel so good and so real. And yet, I'm the breaker of my own heart. I'm ready to settle down but i'm unsure about bringing a man into my son's life because i'm a packaged deal. If a man treats me poorly how is he gonna treat my son?

And now to the title....How can i remember to forget.

This is actually a song.  I'll post the video soon. However, we as women are overly emotional creatures.  I fight every battle because i want to understand why something is the way it is. If you are mad at me ... please tell me why and explain...don't just clam up and walk away because then i'm gonna press the issue more. health comes down to the fact that not everybody is perfect you want to think that people are perfect and that things can happen the way they're going to happen and we are going to just stop time being who we are but in the end it's a bunch of crap. you have to find who you are in yourself and we don't. I can sit here and I can drink a case of beer and feel great for a moment. But who's to say but after that moment is gone that we are going to feel something more. the song how can I remember to forget is actually from a musical go figure. Its a song about Amanda cheated on her and she's getting ready to get married only in my life I was the one that cheated. I couldn't believe the lies I couldn't believe the mind boggling stopping points. But the love was real. The love is something that doesn't ever go away. You want so much in your life to be that good person and to have those dreams and to make the plans and to have the kids and you... You forget. you forget your own aspirations you forget who you are. And in the end when a bombshell is dropped on you you don't know if he's and whether that attack that explosion. Or if you're going to walk away and stand tall. In the past couple of days there's been some things that have just rocked my world. They have been things that or unexpected, surprising, irritating and definitely heartbreaking.

the point I'm trying to make is that we don't never forget what is wrong with us. We don't never forget the love that we feel. It never goes away. I know my son was made in a moment of love what time of love I guess you could say. Who you are is who you are. my heart is so big and so full of life then I want to share it with everybody. And then return not everybody is ready to share that love with me. I've kind of made a vow to myself to to just be me. I don't care what anybody else is going to think of me. I just want to be the best mother that I can be. I want to be the best friend that I can be. I want to be the best worker that I can be. I want to be the best soldier that I can be. And if people can't handle Who I am then they don't deserve to know me the real me. I've spent too much of my life being there for everybody else and when I need somebody nobody is there. It's time to take that step to be the mom that I choose to be and to raise my son in a manner of which he still has a big heart. And I hope that in the song then I can find a way to forgive those that have broken my heart; to love those that mistreat me...and to still be the strong woman everyone sees. 

How can I remember to forget? Truth is....we never do.

Untitled- words from the heart

Let me take a second
and write whats on my heart
there isn't any sadness
it's not been torn apart
You wanted to see me
just the way i am
you wanted to be with me
even with the mistakes I've had
but you didn't want
to hear that someone cared
that someone could love you
that they could understand
you ran out the door
like the house was on fire
you shattered the depths of me
and said you didn't care
And now that i'm standing
alone on my two feet
there's something that i have to say
to end this on the right beat
maybe you aren't ready
because you don't love yourself
maybe the hurt inside you
was something you hadn't felt
the 'L' Word is dangerous
it pushes people away
but deep down I know
that you have so much more to say
I'm not afraid to wait for you
I never ever was
but this time you need to grow up
and learn to be loved
I'm not gonna walk away from you
that's not what friends do
we don't just leave you high and dry
we don't make you kiss our shoes
but for once in your life MAN UP
and hold onto what you want...
because before this year is over
I'll be long gone.

The sounds of silence

I waited for a while

to revel in the dark

to find the secret passage

to the closets of my heart

although i must admit

it's the hardest thing i've done

i still have the curiousity

of where my hurt had begun

I'm blessed beyond measure

and still i cry alone

these tears have no rhyme or reason

but i can't stop the flow

I've watched my heart get broken

time and time again

i've watched is soar with joy

with hope and true love began

I watched my heart change

when my son took his first breath

an uncanny feeling

That I am truly blessed

through all the good and bad things

there's one thing that remains....

the silence that surrounds me

even when i'm with my friends

It's a relative moment

when you get to open your eyes

to see that someone loves you

even past your dark side.

To love is the easy part

to be loved is hard

so until the one who loves me finds me

I'll wait in the sounds of silence.

We Never

WE never understand
the whisper of the wind
the way it moves right through us
sending chills dancing on our skin

We've never really seen
the sun as it begins to rise
the dawning of a new day
the fresh start that is derived

We never doubted
that first tender kiss
the one that takes our breath away
the one that makes us forget

We never really heard it
the way our children first cry
the pain and anxiety
that they are really alive

Of all the things we never notice
let this one be true
True love is a mystery
it haunts the inner you

This love is so decieving
and we long for it so much
to have that internally intimacy
that we sometimes find in a strangers touch

But no matter the person you lay
it will never be replaced
it's a silent moment
thats stops all time and space

It's a single piece of glitter
falling from the sky
it's a shooting star late at night
it's there and gone in the blink of an eye

One day you will notice
the rain on the ground
you'll see the waves crashing
it won't be a fleeting sound

That day you'll hear a hummingbird
fluttering it's wings
you'll hear the sound crickets
as they play their symphony.

Instead of focusing on the nevers
be patient for that day
the day your true love comes
and steals your heart away

The list could be just beginning
Your world will start to change
they won't always be easy
but I promise....
They Will Never Be The Same!

Anthem of an independent woman ( some language)

Hey how you doing
my face is up here
it's not on my chest
where you like to just stare
I do have a name
but you have no interest in that
all you're want to know
is when you can get sex
well let me just tell you
you got the wrong one
i'm a woman of power
not a hole to be plugged
i work for everything
that i have in this world
i need NO MAN
to change how I feel
I know that sometimes
i might fuss and might fight
but deep down inside
i'm truly alright
The smile that i wear
is not just for you
i wear if for me
imagine that?
Who knew that i was stronger
than the stereotype out there
i take care of my responsibilities
I have needs be prepared
I'm not some self centered woman
i just know where i've been
i stand on my own feet
i fight til i win
there isn't a time
that you'll see me down
because you don't know where
i've come from
you've not seen my frown
this world is cruel; shattered and torn
to think i'm your property
like a fur coat to be worn
Don't think for one second that you have any clout
just trust and believe
we'll duke it out
I know what a real man is
and obviously you aint it.
so please get to stepping
i aint got time for your shit
I want a man that wants to be kept
and come home to only me
the one that will be there
when shits rough for me
take one look in the mirror
snap a pic or two...
this woman is moving forward
and it surely aint with you.
i'm single and free
a mommy of one
i got no drama
but i'm tons of fun.
I make my own money
i pay my own bills
you keep that drink sweetie....
i'll foot that bill.
I don't need you to tell
i'm pretty and i'm cute
When the right man comes around
i'll know it, no joke
He'll treat me like a Queen
because thats what i deserve
He'll let me be me
He'll hold me when i hurt
He'll love my child truly from the depths of his heart
I aint got no shame in saying
He'd tear you apart.
I do things my way
and i know you aint the one
so just please get to stepping
because today
independence has won!

untitled poem

I feel as though my heart
is broken on the floor
we had a wonderful night
then you ran out the door
I know that I'm not
Just another notch on your belt
but with the way that i've been treated
the speculation doesn't help.
You made me feel so beautiful
Strong and at peace
But with the depression in our own lives
There were no words left to speak
I didn't think I loved you
til you said goodbye
and now i'm sitting here wondering
if i should sink or i should fly
The world around me changes
now that you aren't mine
So much that i can't breathe
So much that time has died
I wanted to come home
with your car parked out front
But you're a man of your word
I just got too drunk
I hope you can forgive me
For being who I am.
I hope that you see the real me
The mess who has a plan
The very air in my lungs seems to have gone stale
So goodbye my love, I miss you
I wish you well.

A Fairy Tale Fantasy break down

Growing up I loved to hear fairy tales. Girl meets prince- prince takes her had; kisses her; sweeps her off her feet...etc. They come up against a challenge and they fight it off together. Girl and prince live happily ever after THE END.

Lets be honest, that crap doesn't always happen. I can't say never because sometimes it does...sometimes you find the guy by chance or sometimes the man you are supposed to be with is the one you dated in high school or even sometimes it's that unexpected person you knocked over or shut the door on the elevator hehe. I'm not saying I don't believe in True Love. I've been there I know that it exists. How bout we take a second and break it on down....

Step 1.  Once Upon a time...

In the beginning this are always gonna be good. It's gonna be breath taking and it's going to be raw. It has to be the real you. Not the fake you that you show people the one that has compassion; strength; brokenness.  From my own experiences lately, i've learned that I fell for someone a long time ago. It was the unavailability of the person that kept me distanced. My precious heart didn't know what to do with it when the feelings were somewhat reciprocated. DO NOT! I REPEAT DO NOT OVER DO IT!  There is nothing wrong with falling fast but as i learned from having a HUGE heart not everyone is ready to be loved the way that you think that they should be loved. It's a process.We have no limits on when the heart and mind are in one accord and they are shooting out all the right singles...and when he just looks at you in that one way and your heart melts it's more than just an attraction. There's an emotional connection between both and maybe they don't know how to show you.
Sorry, that was a side note: back on topic.
Take things slow. Start out by hanging out and if you have kids keep kids out of the mix. Not because you are ashamed of your kids but i've learned that My son is so important to me. I want to know that someone is gonna be in my life and that someone is willing to pick up 'Some' responsibility to be around my son. Here's another side note: WOMEN THERE ARE NO OTHER PERSONS IN YOUR LIFE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR CHILD! IF YOU CHOOSE A MAN OVER YOUR CHILDREN YOU ARE FREAKING WRONG!

Step 2. The story line:

Most Fairy Tales have great story lines....this story line is your own. It's yours and the person that you are datings story. What is past is past however, it is something that should be talked about. The past made you who you are and the person you are seeing should have enough respect for where you came from to be a part of all of you. It's not just the parts you like and the ones that you see. It's the WHOLE YOU. On a personal level, I've shared some really deep hurts with people and it's come back in my face. Thats a choice that i've made and that's a place that i've gone because i believe in honesty and integrity. I know, it's difficult to find honest people. Sometimes I have found that I'm too honest. I have too many emotions and i don't know how to channel how i express myself. It's all about trusting that person. You have to be able to trust that they aren't going to judge you. YOU AREN'T PERFECT! It's not about being perfect. It's about doing the best of the things you know. Being the best part of you and yet at the same time being the person that you truly are. If people don't want to see the bad than they can't handle it. I'm not saying that they won't be able to handle it in the future. Sometimes it's just about finding the right baggage to go with our baggage.

Ever have that inspiring moment when you want to break out in song? okay, well most normal people don't yet all us music nerds it's what we thrive on. We thrive on the inspiration of the world around us the emotions; the scenery...the love. That's the thing. There's a song that proves it....HSM 3. YES, I'm talking about High School Musical. But this song is called can I have this dance. It's about Trust. It's about emotions. It's about LOVE.
For men it's about being a gentlemen. It's about taking the risk to love someone through it all no matter what the odds are. It's what every single story should be about. It's a happenstance moment that changes a life. It's not gonna be easy to write your story. It's gonna be hard and there are gonna be tears and there are gonna be hard times. And you just have to take the risk. Don't be afraid to let someone in. Not every one that comes into your life is gonna break your heart. Trust yourself. On the other hand make sure that you truly love who you are. Someone that is with you should only enhance who you are not change you.

<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/fCa8pxUtN1s?list=RDNoS8cszWnVI" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>

STEP 3. The Ending....

At this point there are no endings. There are no endings unless something goes completely wrong. Because everyday a new page in your story is being written. Your fairy tale is what you make it. It's what you hope for. Don't forget that it's not gonna be like Cinderella. There are gonna be the happiest times and the worst of times. It's not about those moments. it's about how in the end you weather the storm. You have to be a unified couple. you have to work together against all odds. At the end of the day don't go to bed mad. Tomorrow is a new day. It's a great day to start fresh. If you have a problem take time to cool off and talk about it. Don't let things fester. The more things that have festering wounds the more time it takes to fix whats broken and sometimes it gets to the point of not being able to be fixed. I know i've been there multiple times. Don't be a sabotager. ( note thats not actually a word) but what i'm saying is don't deliberately hurt people. I do it. I push and where they are weak i push the envelope to the point that it's nothing again. That i not only lose my friends but i hurt them and myself in the process. I know, I'm talking to you about not doing and you're probably thinking that i'm a hypocrit. no that's not it. it's the fact that I know that i'm doing and once i'm down that road i can't get back up. the damage is already done. I have trust issues because of the past that i haven't let go of. I'm speaking to you but i'm also speaking to myself. Today i told someone i care about so much that I was deleting him from my life. My heart is BROKEN. i'm not sure that it was going to get off the ground but i burned any chance of that before i gave him a chance. I'm the one who's wrong. People mostly suck! That's the truth. But i have hope that some day we are all gonna get through the things that we are most afraid of once that right person comes along.

So for the ending.....there isn't one. because once we die....our children continue the legacy of love that we've started.....so lets do it right.

summer love

I find myself waiting
for a simply good morning text
to know that you're thinking of me
so i don't have to stress
those texts don't come anymore
and my heart just aches
wishing i could have changed things
wish i didn't make that mistake
You'd tell me i was beautiful
That i lit up your world
that you liked where we were going
that i was your girl
and now i sit here pining
wondering what went wrong
waiting on a miracle
and hope thats come and gone
there is no rhyme or reason
on when we fall in love
the time may not be perfect
we may not fit like a glove
but in my heart i know that
you felt the spark too
that your soul was set aflame
like mine
that you were me and I was you
But now i sit here in the darkness
knowing you won't call
knowing i won't cuddle you
that you have moved on
just know that as these tears fall
that you are on my mind
this summer love is fleeting
that joyous time in gone

Insecurities At Its Best/What is beauty

I've had a lot of time lately to do some soul searching. Maybe you can call it an epiphany; maybe we can call it fate. There's huge shift in what we see as beautiful. There's a gigantic norm that is coming about that I'm not on board with. I hope that you can bear with me while I try to sort thru my thoughts because Lord knows i get on my own little rants. hehe.

Okay, so...there's this guy and for the sake of this post and leaving things anonymous we'll say that his name is Fred. Probably one of the best people I know. And deep down and for a while there have been some underlying questions that I wanted to find out. And ya'll if you know me, you know that I'm obnoxious and boisterous and sometimes overbearing! (Yup, I can admit that!) We became fast friends and have been friends up until we tried the whole dating thing and it was a BIG HUGE FLOP! And that's my fault. I'm trying my best not to bring up bad blood or for anyone of you to look at him in a manner that is negative because it wasn't all his fault BUT, my ex husband did a number on my head. They say that physical abuse is devastating and that you can heal but the wounds but the mentality that you keep once you have been....is taxing on the mind. With that being said mind games are 100 times worse than than physical. It took me almost 4 years to get to the point where I am today...and yet, anyone that could be remotely special and a good person to me i find ways to sabotage that relationship. I find ways subconsciously to damage my chances with someone because I'm afraid if they break down my walls they are going to hurt in the same manner that I was hurt...and my thinking is 'they can't hurt me if I hurt them first!"  THAT IS WRONG! I am not perfect. I have tired and tried to find avenues to not hurt people and I do. Fred is AMAZING! He is every bit a gentleman and has the heart to go with it. Well i can kiss that relationship goodbye.
      When I look in the mirror I see the broken me. I see the one who cries herself to sleep. The one that breaks hearts; i see the one who is striving so hard to be whatever anyone else sees....that she doesn't truly love herself. I see a woman who longs for one night to be held in a mans arms because she's numb to the fact that she's not good enough. I see the stretch marks and the wrinkles....the saggy boobs...the obesity....I see the UGLY in me. There are few people that can handle me when i'm depressed and for those people I am grateful for. I would spend my time looking at the bottom of a bottle rather than to face it and reach deep within to figure out what causes my depression. I have been losing friends daily because they don't like how i do things or they think that i'm too blunt. News flash....then you weren't really my friend to begin with. I am so unsure of myself that i can fake a smile and I can go thru the motions...thats easy. Those things are easy. I just take out my paintbrush and paint on the face i want people to see and everyone sees the strength in me. I don't. I don't see how someone that is so broken can be strong! The thing about that is I don't have a bad life. I have an amazing family. I have the best friends in the world I have  beautiful son who lights up my world. But when I hear: just look at your son...he can get you out of the depression. He's not the problem. you need to stop whoring around or keep your legs shut....don't have a man...get right with God.....and I'm right back where I started. The tears seem to be endless...the mending of my heart seems to be on hold. My faith is waning. I fight my battles alone because up until recently i couldn't trust anyone to fight them with me.

So i ask you: What is beauty?
Beauty is having a broken heart and still moving forward.
Beauty is fighting your own insecurities and not letting the depression get you
Beauty is letting that man into your heart to love you the way you deserve
Beauty is just being you. 

The Ballad of a Single Mother

To whom it may concern,

    Today marks the day that I took off work to have an R&R day. I probably should have went to work to make the money needed to take care of my son, however, I also realized that IF i don't take care of myself than I am no good to my son. How can I be a great mother when I'm short and irritable with my child? How can i help him soar if I'm too tired to look up educational games for him to play? How can i be an effective parent when I would rather pass him off the babysitter because the depression hits so hard that a bottle of liquor is the remedy?  The truth is, I can't! I can't watch my son fail in his life because I'm the one that's struggling to make ends meet. I can't sit and ignore my son because I'm trying to keep my overly emotional self under wraps while he just wants to curl up in my arms and wants me to hold him close.

But here's what i can do. I can take one day out of my busy schedule between working a full time job and being in the military to relax and get house work done so our house feels like a home. I can dump out that bottle of liquor I have in the freezer to avoid the temptation. I can spend the day doing things to make our lives better since I am in the mommy and daddy role. I can find an avenue to conquer my own insecurities one step at a time. Those are the things that i can do.

Now to all of you that watch how I raise my son:

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!!! We single mom's have a challenge that no man or single person in this world can understand. We have a world to give to our children and most of time don't have the means to do it. Yes, sometimes we look a hot mess. In my case that is normal. I've struggled with trying to get my sons father to come into his life and I've failed. I've failed because there's a hurt between him and I that cannot be replaced; but here's the good news....WHO CARES! I refuse to talk bad about my sons father because he was someone dear to my heart. I refuse to think that all men are deadbeats because every man has his own reasoning and his own story that he is writing. I refuse to dwell on what broke up my relationship with the man that i loved so dearly. But I will not sit back and watch him walk in and out of our sons life. This is the hardest part about the struggle. BE there or NOT. There's no in between. There's no if ands or buts about what should be right and shouldn't be right. It's not my life or my heart that is being broken because i hung that hurt up a long time ago. Please understand though that we all have skeletons in the closet. We are have the secrets that we don't want anyone to know about and we all the hurt that can't ever be fixed.

       Ready for the good news? We are SURVIVORS. We can conquer and adapt to any situation because we know what it's like to watch the world judge is by the actions that we have made. WE understand the struggle and bad reps that we have because we had children out of wedlock or in results of divorce. The options are for us to walk into the world and take it by the horns and wrangle, wrestle and fight with every ounce of our being. This is the time that we prove to the world that though we might get assistance from the state that we are amazing WOMEN! We are the makers of our own universe and in such it is our job to stand up tall and take over. Don't worry Ma, it's gonna hurt and you are gonna cry...DO IT. Cry it out. If we hide  our emotions from our kids than yes we are protecting them but we aren't teaching them that it's ok to be sad. It's ok to be hurt. It's ok to fail. The harder we are on ourselves the more damage ( in my own opinion) is done. We got this!


Here's what not to do:

Girl, everyone loves to have that man or woman around that makes things that much easier and of course who doesn't love a booty call? We are wrong for that. We are wrong to think that having a man or having a woman in our lives is going to fix all of our problems. Most of the time we just complicate things. And trust me, I'm not judging...I preaching at my ownself because I have a habit of doing the same thing. The only love that can be found in a situation of man jumping is self loathing and infatuation. It's that temporary high that we all need to feel good about ourselves and to give us encouragement but in the end we are left broken and shatter with no hope and back to the bottle we go. Let's hang that up! It's time to start by loving ourselves. it's time to love who we are and not what someone else can do for us. It's time that we open our pretty eyes and see our beauty and self worth. Ya never know what you'll become when you have an inward change---guess what? that change shows on the outside and there's nothing more beautiful that to see a woman who LOVES herself in a manner that her genuine heart shows on the outside in how she carries herself; loves her kids; and how she treats people.  So in all I leave you with this wonderful quote from Rabindranath Tagore:
Beauty is truth's smile when she beholds her own perfect face.



Be strong my single momma's! your time to shine is coming....and it starts with you!


Signed,

A confident Single MOM

Hard Dose of Reality

The Truth

I waited so long to know what love felt like again. I watched everyone around me fall in love and get married and the only thing I had received was a child born out of wedlock to a woman who wasn't supposed to be able to have kids. My little miracle; my Malaki Jordan waltzed into my world and took it by storm. A love that I had prayed for for so many years was finally in my arms. He brought out the good and bad that I had seen in my ex husband and warped my world into one that was full of joy and unconditional love.

  This is a love that everyone talks about. There's no greater love in this world than the unconditional love from a child and yet while holding my child I felt part of me was still empty. I toyed around and did my own thing for a while and then there he was. There was the man that I could trust to hold my heart in his hand and not crush it; the man that was strong and handsome and all the wonderful things a gentleman should be.

He stole my heart once and I let him get away and then i captured him again. He he the things that i could tell him and the way that i was feeling there was no stopping me from being with this man. I lost him twice and i wasn't about to lose him again

Here's the kicker....A fish that doesn't want to be caught will avoid the hook...but a fish that is willing to take the bait is a fish worth keeping.

I say that very candidly. I was caught; in love; smitten; head over heels; i was stuck! I have loved one other as much as i love that man and still to this day there isn't a moment that goes by that i don't wonder. I want to have him close to me to be near to me and to love only me. I was willing to move 1200 miles away from any of my family in order to be with him. Thats love! Love isn't about the distance it's about the connection and I would think that after 2 years of an on and off relationship that maybe just maybe it was time to make things serious. A once in a lifetime kind of love come with a lot of things : teamwork; faith; trust; hope; encouragement...etc all the wonderful fruits of the spirit are found in a once in a lifetime. Now, I've loved but never in my life have I ever been treated in a way that made me feel wanted and needed and so much more. I watched my son play and laugh and not be afraid because he knew that he loved me....which to anyone that knows  Ki he don't like any man around me. 

Hard dose of reality-

some things don't change in a relationship and some things do. Some times we watch the world through another persons eyes and we wait to see what their next move is. Earlier this week I had the phone call that shattered my heart all over again. A phone call that crippled me to the point of wanting to run away to where he was and try to reason with him.  Family is always a big thing. It's always something that can make or break a relationship; I wanted to include him in mine but i was really no part of his and in the end it ripped us apart. I watched my heart go from soaring and happy to dark and depressed. It wasn't so much the breaking up that was the part that hurt. It was the fact that family talked someone out of building a home and a family of their own in order to correct their own mistakes...I was the one who lost. I've lost so much this week alone and yes, someone always has is worse off and I'm not saying that I'm a whiny baby but this week I was. I felt like my heart stopped; i couldn't breath; i wanted to drink myself into a stupor and not come out of it. And i resisted. I fought and clawed and have cried more than i want to admit. And then the doubt came in....the questions swarmed through my head like bolts of lightning and I was slipping into a depression so deep that had it not been for great friends i wouldn't have come out of it. A broken bone would have been so much better than to have had to deal with having a broken heart.

The Good News

   I have wallowed in so much self pity that I couldn't see straight but here's what I've learned:

1. I'm a beautiful vivacious woman who has so much going for her that no one can  stop the progress

2. I'm a mother to a miracle of a little boy that i call my son and his unconditional love is all that I need.

3. Take time to heal and love myself. because while i see the negative in myself someone could be sweeping up the pieces the the shattered heart that is before then because they see who I am.

4. Trust God. God has a plan and a purpose for everything ( Jeremiah 29:11) 

5. Don't ever stop smiling. though things hurt and you are down don't stay down for long. I will one day soar by just being the mess of a woman that I am. And that's OK with me

6. Don't shut people out. We have friends for a reason. We have hope for a reason. There's nothing that a chick flick and junk food can't fix and those that are willing to hold you when you are crying are the ones that can also wipe away your tears. It's not about how you start but how you finish. I'd much rather go out with my boots on then to say that I laid down and died. this is my story to be written and I will continue to write it the best that i can. 

7. Don't be afraid to love again. (self explanatory)

I hope that those that think that I won't recover know that i'm gonna make it. I'm gonna get up each morning and Thank God for another day. i'm gonna be better and i don't want him to think that I ca't do it alone but I want him to know that no matter what I love him with all that I am. If he finds someone better so be it. I will continue to keep on keeping on and loving my little family even though we're broken. The broken part means that we can be mended and thats what i'm gonna do. I'm gonna mend my family starting with me.

---Be Blessed-----

Turning Pages

Turning the pages
It's easier now,
The pain is subsiding
My feet are on the ground
The days seem more joyful
The tears have gone away
I'm making those steps
To enjoy everyday
I love you at one point
But the time has passed
you broke my heart completely
I couldn't believe it
When i was ready to leave
You didn't come after me
You just let things be
But this is my anthem
And I will succeed
I go and be more
Than the things i wanted to be
Your book has ended
The power is gone
My hope is restored
in the eyes of my son
You were vital
To the shaping of who I am
Yet, time as time goes on
Your not even a friend
Today is the day
When i open my eyes
I open my mind
I will survive
So take you own copy
Of what was you and me
Do what you will with it
because my heart
belongs to me
I thank you so much
for showing me what a man isn't
For showing me to never settle
in the heat of the moment
Take those pages
I'll sign your book
This is the last page in our history
So please take a look
Look at all the good things
Look at all the bad
Don't tell me that you're sorry
Because that sentiment
is all you had.
Just one more tear
will i ever shed for you
it's the one of goodbye good luck
take your book
And let me through
This is the start of my new life
the one that you're not in
the one that will be amazing
the one that makes me grin
Our son will be well cared for
He completes my world.
And as this last page is
finished
I turn it knowing that
my future is secure