I've had a lot of time lately to do some soul searching. Maybe you can call it an epiphany; maybe we can call it fate. There's huge shift in what we see as beautiful. There's a gigantic norm that is coming about that I'm not on board with. I hope that you can bear with me while I try to sort thru my thoughts because Lord knows i get on my own little rants. hehe.
Okay, so...there's this guy and for the sake of this post and leaving things anonymous we'll say that his name is Fred. Probably one of the best people I know. And deep down and for a while there have been some underlying questions that I wanted to find out. And ya'll if you know me, you know that I'm obnoxious and boisterous and sometimes overbearing! (Yup, I can admit that!) We became fast friends and have been friends up until we tried the whole dating thing and it was a BIG HUGE FLOP! And that's my fault. I'm trying my best not to bring up bad blood or for anyone of you to look at him in a manner that is negative because it wasn't all his fault BUT, my ex husband did a number on my head. They say that physical abuse is devastating and that you can heal but the wounds but the mentality that you keep once you have been....is taxing on the mind. With that being said mind games are 100 times worse than than physical. It took me almost 4 years to get to the point where I am today...and yet, anyone that could be remotely special and a good person to me i find ways to sabotage that relationship. I find ways subconsciously to damage my chances with someone because I'm afraid if they break down my walls they are going to hurt in the same manner that I was hurt...and my thinking is 'they can't hurt me if I hurt them first!" THAT IS WRONG! I am not perfect. I have tired and tried to find avenues to not hurt people and I do. Fred is AMAZING! He is every bit a gentleman and has the heart to go with it. Well i can kiss that relationship goodbye.
When I look in the mirror I see the broken me. I see the one who cries herself to sleep. The one that breaks hearts; i see the one who is striving so hard to be whatever anyone else sees....that she doesn't truly love herself. I see a woman who longs for one night to be held in a mans arms because she's numb to the fact that she's not good enough. I see the stretch marks and the wrinkles....the saggy boobs...the obesity....I see the UGLY in me. There are few people that can handle me when i'm depressed and for those people I am grateful for. I would spend my time looking at the bottom of a bottle rather than to face it and reach deep within to figure out what causes my depression. I have been losing friends daily because they don't like how i do things or they think that i'm too blunt. News flash....then you weren't really my friend to begin with. I am so unsure of myself that i can fake a smile and I can go thru the motions...thats easy. Those things are easy. I just take out my paintbrush and paint on the face i want people to see and everyone sees the strength in me. I don't. I don't see how someone that is so broken can be strong! The thing about that is I don't have a bad life. I have an amazing family. I have the best friends in the world I have beautiful son who lights up my world. But when I hear: just look at your son...he can get you out of the depression. He's not the problem. you need to stop whoring around or keep your legs shut....don't have a man...get right with God.....and I'm right back where I started. The tears seem to be endless...the mending of my heart seems to be on hold. My faith is waning. I fight my battles alone because up until recently i couldn't trust anyone to fight them with me.
So i ask you: What is beauty?
Beauty is having a broken heart and still moving forward.
Beauty is fighting your own insecurities and not letting the depression get you
Beauty is letting that man into your heart to love you the way you deserve
Beauty is just being you.
Okay, so...there's this guy and for the sake of this post and leaving things anonymous we'll say that his name is Fred. Probably one of the best people I know. And deep down and for a while there have been some underlying questions that I wanted to find out. And ya'll if you know me, you know that I'm obnoxious and boisterous and sometimes overbearing! (Yup, I can admit that!) We became fast friends and have been friends up until we tried the whole dating thing and it was a BIG HUGE FLOP! And that's my fault. I'm trying my best not to bring up bad blood or for anyone of you to look at him in a manner that is negative because it wasn't all his fault BUT, my ex husband did a number on my head. They say that physical abuse is devastating and that you can heal but the wounds but the mentality that you keep once you have been....is taxing on the mind. With that being said mind games are 100 times worse than than physical. It took me almost 4 years to get to the point where I am today...and yet, anyone that could be remotely special and a good person to me i find ways to sabotage that relationship. I find ways subconsciously to damage my chances with someone because I'm afraid if they break down my walls they are going to hurt in the same manner that I was hurt...and my thinking is 'they can't hurt me if I hurt them first!" THAT IS WRONG! I am not perfect. I have tired and tried to find avenues to not hurt people and I do. Fred is AMAZING! He is every bit a gentleman and has the heart to go with it. Well i can kiss that relationship goodbye.
When I look in the mirror I see the broken me. I see the one who cries herself to sleep. The one that breaks hearts; i see the one who is striving so hard to be whatever anyone else sees....that she doesn't truly love herself. I see a woman who longs for one night to be held in a mans arms because she's numb to the fact that she's not good enough. I see the stretch marks and the wrinkles....the saggy boobs...the obesity....I see the UGLY in me. There are few people that can handle me when i'm depressed and for those people I am grateful for. I would spend my time looking at the bottom of a bottle rather than to face it and reach deep within to figure out what causes my depression. I have been losing friends daily because they don't like how i do things or they think that i'm too blunt. News flash....then you weren't really my friend to begin with. I am so unsure of myself that i can fake a smile and I can go thru the motions...thats easy. Those things are easy. I just take out my paintbrush and paint on the face i want people to see and everyone sees the strength in me. I don't. I don't see how someone that is so broken can be strong! The thing about that is I don't have a bad life. I have an amazing family. I have the best friends in the world I have beautiful son who lights up my world. But when I hear: just look at your son...he can get you out of the depression. He's not the problem. you need to stop whoring around or keep your legs shut....don't have a man...get right with God.....and I'm right back where I started. The tears seem to be endless...the mending of my heart seems to be on hold. My faith is waning. I fight my battles alone because up until recently i couldn't trust anyone to fight them with me.
So i ask you: What is beauty?
Beauty is having a broken heart and still moving forward.
Beauty is fighting your own insecurities and not letting the depression get you
Beauty is letting that man into your heart to love you the way you deserve
Beauty is just being you.
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