Dilemna

Im sittin here pondering
On which road I should take
Which for do I choose this time
Which will change my fate.
Do I say I love you
And beg you to come back
Do I tell your loving gf
That your ruin your guys' life
I was considered the cheater
I shattered the hearts
I took advantage of the kindness
That ripped us apart
Well let me tell u something
About what's on my heart
Tell u of my heartache and pain inside my heart
Id tell u that lying isnt getting your way
Being the cheater in secret makes you want to play the game
Dont forget I was the cheater
I did everything wrong
But this is what id say about my dilemna
If I could tell your girlfriend what was going on

Oh the updates:

Well, I haven't updated since i was in ait...or maybe right after i got home. There has been so much going on it's not funny. We all do dumb things when we least expect it. We all make mistakes and go back to people we know are bad for us. and in result we get sucked right back into the same old drama and hurts that we had walked away from. Basic training was a blessing in disguise. It was challenging; hard; mentally stressful; physically demanding and tiresome. When i got back from basic in july i was down a total of 115 lbs. taking me to my lowest weight since ive been since i was in middle school.  well you know how i loved my alcohol. one thing led to another and the first 3 weeks that i was home i spent it being drunk everyday. Well if the drinking wasn't enough, I got  pregnant. So now i'm 7 weeks pregnant. A miracle within it's self. yes, i don't know for 100% who the childs father is. But it doesnt matter. I will survive and my baby will be loved.

I think thats all the news in an flash. As my pregnancy progresses i'll keep you all posted.

4 Months Gone 18 Days left

Phillipians 4:13- I can do all things through Christ which giveth me strength.


I started on this journey in Dec of 2012. I didn't know what I was getting myself into and i didn't know how I was going to make it through. But somehow by the grace of God I did it. I spent from Dec 13th Last year til March 5th drinking my life away. One drink at a time...trying to forget the hurt that was all around me. With every cigarette i watched as minutes were taken off of my life and it would be time that I would never get back. I was so excited about joining that I lost sight of the other things in my life. I was 25 years old; divorced; broke; but someone managed to make it. I know/knew God but i wasn't willing to listen. I was on a one way path of destruction to make my ex husband hurt more than I was hurting. In the end however, I was hurting myself.

When March 5th rolled around and it was time for me to leave for Basic Training I suddenly got scared. I was ready for the unknown but terrified at what i might find on my way down this road. I didn't want to see how deep the rabbit hole got but i couldn't pull myself away. I looked to be the one that was out of sight out of mind. That didn't work out so well. Seeing as I am a Southern from West Virginia and I'm black...it made things a little bit more difficult. The name gave it away. Basic training was harder in more mental ways than anything. It was a struggle daily to keep my head up; to be positive ; to be motivated. But with some amazing battle buddies...i got through. I graduated. I passed my PT test. I did my 16 K. I got through it. Those are the ones that I want to go to war with. The ones that I know in their hearts that they are going to be there and have my back just like i have theirs. Thats  the kind of loyalty I'm looking for. I'm looking for the one i can count on no matter what odds are against us. Thats what being a Soldier is about. There are so many things to say but we'll have to take them one step at a time.
For now. it's to the point i've been away from home for 4 months to the day. I'm ready to get back home and make a difference in my community. I'm ready to be deploy and defend the country that I love.
I'm ready to be the 1% that defends this nation.

The Lord has brought me to it...and He's still bringing me through it.

Be blessed ya'll!

Untitled 20130314

Here's something i wrote.
Untitled:
The odds are stacked against me.
I'm barely holding on.
A mans world this is truly, yet, still I'm standing strong.
The times are ever changing. I push to rise above. I strive to be all i can be. But I'm still weak in a mans eyes. A female soldier i will be. No matter what they say. In this life i am born to shine. So stand back and watch me soar. A Female soldier rising above and conquering this mans world.

Fire and Gasoline

I used to think you were untouchable
you stood 10 feet tall
but now all i see is a sudden mess in you
and you are so small
you call yourself a man but you don't know what that is
you call yourself a good person
but you bring out the worst in me

You say one thing
i catch fire
and suddenly
your the gas to start the inferno
The lovely times that meant so much
are now nothing and sit in a pile of dust
Fire and Gasoline thats what we are
no good for one another
no good at all.

You told me everything I wanted to hear
you still laid me down at night
didn't matter that you had a girl
because what you say makes it alright
so month after month as you laid me down
she still has no clue
she don't know what she's gotten herself into now....
here let me light that fuse!


You say one thing
i catch fire
and suddenly
your the gas to start the inferno
The lovely times that meant so much
are now nothing and sit in a pile of dust
Fire and Gasoline thats what we are
no good for one another
no good at all.

I thought that I loved you
but love can be false
it can be a web of lives
a river of hurt
there is nothing better for us to be doing
than to be avoiding the fire
and go on with someone else and start living.....


You say one thing
i catch fire
and suddenly
your the gas to start the inferno
The lovely times that meant so much
are now nothing and sit in a pile of dust
Fire and Gasoline thats what we are
no good for one another
no good at all.

To my Independent Women!

Ephesians 5:22

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.

I started with this verse for a particular reason. I can only speak from my life experiences and pray that they can bless you. 

  In today's society it shown that us women are to stand up and be independent. There is nothing wrong with being independent. Don't mistake what I'm about to say. But we are the Priestess' of our homes. If we are married we are to SUBMIT to our husbands. We are not to unequally yoked with an unbeliever (2 Corinthians 6:14 Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness? )
I was raised up to be independent. I'm stubborn; hardheaded; rebellious; mouthy...and i could go on and on. But I didn't really learn anything til divorce was at my doorstep. I didn't understand why I should submit to my husband when HE wasn't being the Priest in our home. I got tired and I got mad and eventually cheated in my heart. I thought about it time and time again. I went to church. I praised God in my sin and  I wanted so much for my home to be blessed. i wanted that baby. I wanted that happy little christian family. I didn't get it. My marriage in the beginning wasn't blessed or ordained by God. I messed up. I thought the only way to keep a man right off the bat was to sleep with him. SHAME ON ME! I know the word. I know what it says about fornication. I know that someone that commits adultery and/or fornication are not getting into heaven. thats in the word. So for my independent woman i ask you: What kind of example are we being in our homes? I know i wasn't doing all that i could for God. I stopped singing. I stopped praising Him thru my storms. I stopped praising him when things when wrong. I stopped trusting him and started standing with the Devil. thats not the kind of woman I want to be. I want to be a woman of integrity. I want to be the woman whose actions speak louder than her words. I want my home to be blessed. Even if it is only me in it. I don't want people to show up at my house at 5 am drunk and needing a place to stay. I want them to be home getting their lives right. I am now bound for the military. I did a compulsive thing. I did it and now i'm in and i'm pushing harder and persevering more than i have ever persevered in my life. I've lost the weight. I know the creeds. I know what to do and how to think on my feet. I did it. Because i've lost most everything that I've held dear in this world. 
Many of you are probably thinking whats the point to this... my point is this. We have become woman of the world thinking that material things are everything. We want the shoes; the bags; the name brand everything's that really mean nothing. In some ways when I dated my husband I was blessed because we had nothing. We did things to make memories that I will never be able to forget. But we did them together and we loved each other with nothing. I ask you this: if you husband; boyfriend; significant other were broke would you still be with them? If they couldn't provide for you the things YOU "wanted" would you still be with them? I can answer yes because that's when I fell in love. But I also learned that if i don't stay prayed up and in the word daily that I will not be blessed and i will not be going to heaven.

I stand now and always a woman of the Military; A daughter of a Mighty King and a woman of Integrity. What kind of woman do you want to be?

So my challenge to you ladies is this:
Watch what you say around your children!
Submit to your husbands (as long as he is in the will of God)
Be a woman of character and integrity
and ask yourself...if my man has nothing would i stay?

Drink your memory away

Moments come and moments go
time changes within the soul
I thought that time would heal all wounds
but instead they turn into painful scars

I took one drink
that turned into two
I promised myself
I would hate you
but everytime i see your face
i take just one more drink

the birdges were built on stable ground
we still had secrets within our walls
the storms did come and the bridges fell
we were both on a one way ticket to hell


I took one drink
that turned into two
I promised myself
I would hate you
but everytime i see your face
i take just one more drink

I thought that i'd be over you
when you found someone new
i thought that i'd be strong enough
to get over you
I see that my wounds aren't healed
and you still set my soul aflame


I took one drink
that turned into two
I promised myself
I would hate you
but everytime i see your face
i take just one more drink
one more drink to drink your memory away

Reflection on Jeremiah 29:11-13

Jeremiah 29:11-13

¹¹ For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith theLord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.

¹² Then shall ye call upon me, and ye shall go and pray unto me, and I will hearken unto you.

¹³ And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.

Amongst the many things that are going on in the world this is one verse that always strikes a chord. It's one that when i look at people in my life and i see their struggle it makes me heart hurt. It makes me want to pray more often and be more obedient. I know that is one thing that I struggle with. But as things are broken down here's one way to look at it: God has a plan and purpose for your life. 2. He won't give you more than you can handle. There is a reason that you are going through what your going through 4. Seek his face with your heart and you will find him.

1. God has a plan:
This refers to verse 11. There are trials and tribulations that come into our lives. things we can't control. But when we think about it God already knows what we are going to choose even though he gives us a choice. That raises the question of predestination but that is a whole nother topic that we'll cover  later. This reminds me also of putting on the full armor of God. (Ephesians 6:10-18) When we put on the armor of God the only part that isn't covered is our back. And if God has our back and we are prayed up in him than the Devil has no place in our lives though he will try to make it difficult. So the question is: Are you trials and tribulations causing you to walk away from God and let the Devil in?

2. He won't give you more than you can handle:

This one pretty self explanitory. Though we feel like our plates are over flowing sometimes it's just a test for God. It's a test to see how faithful we are. Take Job for example. He was an upstanding man of God. He lost everything. He was tested and tried and still praised God through the storm. No he wasn't perfect. But he still trusted God enough with everything on his plate and in his life to know that God was with him and he got back everything 10 fold. So this question is: Are you praising Him through your storm? Everything happens for a reason:

There is a season for everything. There's a time for everything. We just have to realize what season we are in. Abraham wanted children. Sarah wanted children. But it wasn't the right season. when she gave Abraham her hand maiden in the wrong time Hagar, bore a son. Ishmael. Sarah became mad. But still in her old age God gave her a son, Isaac. Both boys were given a purpose by God. One because Hagar was faithful; and because Abraham and Sarah didn't wait for the right season. But still God granted them a purpose to do what He wanted them to do. They chose to follow God. So no matter what 'bad' happens know that God has a plan.

3. Seek me:
It's simple. It may not always look simple but when we seek God with all our hearts and do his will; call upon his name...he hears our cries. he knows what he wants us to do and we have to choose to obey or not obey. things are much more difficult when we don't obey than when we do. Now when we do things may not be easy.The narrow path isn't always the easy path. But it is the one that is most rewarding to us. Matthew 11:29-30 says:  Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. 

²⁹ Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.

³⁰ For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.

What more do we need? Seek God? or Run from him?

this is more of a devotion for myself. I needed to research and build up my own encouragement in the Lord. There's a journey and road ahead of me and i don't know what lay ahead. But i'm trusting God to do what is necessary in my life to help me to continue to soar. So please ask yourself these questions and reflect on your own life. :) the world is a great big place and we can trust God or perish in flames. your choice. my choice. our choice!

Be blessed

The inner me

Watching the seasons begin to change
The ground is thawing and no longer feels dead
it's like the new beginning to open our eyes
to see the truth of whats inside
I didn't think that I would make it
Standing on my own
but suddenly i feel liberated.
I feel stronger now that i'm alone
I know that may not mean much
but to me it's changed my life
i can do all the things i wanted
without being brought down with strife
My life never really started when i had to watch my back
And though things have been forgotten
I've learned to live my life
I see a whole new world now
filled with many colors
it's a range of all the great things
With a mysterious wonder
I'm not afraid to be hurt anymore
i'm not someones door mat
I'm persevering through the pain
I'm beautiful and philanthropic.
I don't need anyone to tell me who I need to be
I don't need to be isolated because they don't trust themselves with me
I was the other woman; I was the one girls feared
but now i see that my life is better
because now i see clear.
I see the deception around people
I see them for who they are.
I'm not backing down from who i am
Because when i was lost
God was the one i found.
so gently put into simple words
I enjoy being me.
I'm glad i went thru what i had to
to discover the inner me!

2 weeks

It's been a few days since I posted anything. Been here and there. Just haven't had much to write about. So here's what on my head

In just a little while
I'll be leaving here
taking that giant step
in the a world where things are clear
I have no regrets
no need to look back
i'm moving forward
with minimal stress
i thought that i would miss you
but truth is i don't
While i was busy chasing you
i wasn't living myself.
Today is just another day
That i'm blessed enough to breath
but while you've been away
i've found my own release.
The nightmares still come
but are nipped in the bud
I'm standing taller each day
I've found ways to have fun
It took almost 2 years
to truly find myself
But now i have a  Military Family
who supports me and helps me out
This is girl is way to powerful
to stand in the shadows
and now since the truth is know
i'm not the one being shallow.
I've found someone who
likes me for me
though it's a little sad
that i leave in 2 weeks
My head is held up high now
nothing can bring me down
I'm gonna be just fine
Serving the country that i love
I wish you nothing but the best
and i won't shed a tear.
But i'm glad i don't have any more unrest
i won't live in fear
i'm gonna be amazing
this i'm already promised
thank you for showing me what i was missing
All i can do now is Praise Him.
So 2 weeks is the count down
til i'm Oklahoma bound
ready to give my everything
Ready not to fall.
I'll be praying for those i love
and yes you are included in this
but don't come back to me begging
because i'm thru with this.
Be strong and stand alone
remember what you missed.
Cuz there's no way that i'll grace you with my presence.
This is one of the easiest things
i've ever had to do.
Simply saying I care but i don't love you.
Keep your colors true because chameleons tend to change
just know that when your blue
don't call me name.
It's my time to shine now.
I'm moving ahead.
Keep that pretty smile
leave us lay dead.

Admitting we're wrong

Over the last 48 hours my heart has been tugged and pulled and chastised and relieved and filled with doubt. There are so many things that we don't admit that we are doing that is wrong but we feel at the time that we need to do. It's one of those moments when you open your eyes and look around and don't realize that this could change your life. The decisions we make today have reprocussions tomorrow. I've done wrong but by the grace of God i have been forgiven. Yet, it's still the jury and the judge of people that we have to face when we are wrong. That has to be the hardest thing in the world for me right now. There have been some decisions i've made that i knew were wrong but now i'm standing at a the stand waiting for the answer of what is right and what is wrong. I know that I have an alcohol problem. I'm addressing that issue in me. i'm addressing my problem with dishonesty. No, I'm not saying that I lie all the time because i don't. i'm not good with dealing with my emotions and i have gotten to the point where i have to write or read the bible in order to get myself in check. it's a good way to be but still it's a process.

there's a song that I've been listening to it's called Come wake me up by Rascal Flatts
I can usually drink you right off of my mind
But I miss you tonight
I can normally push you right out of my heart
But I'm too tired to fight

Yeah the whole thing begins
And I let you sink into my veins
And I feel the pain like it's new
Everything that we were,
Everything that you said,
Everything that I did and that I couldn't do
Plays through tonight

Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
And I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
Come wake me up

Turn the TV up loud just to drown out your voice, but I can't forget
Now I'm all out of ideas and baby I'm down to my last cigarette
Yeah, you're probably asleep deep inside of your dreams while I’m sitting here crying and trying to see
Yeah, wherever you are baby now I am sure you moved on and aren't thinking twice about me
And you tonight

Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming

I know that you're movin' on
I know I should give you up
But I keep hopin' that you'll trip and fall back in love
Time's not healin' anything
Baby, this pain is worse than it ever was
I know that you can't hear me, but baby I need you to save me tonight

Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
Come wake me up
Oh, I'm dreaming
Come wake me up
Oh, I'm dreaming

This song reminds me of everything that I've lost and things that i'm still losing. I'm not looking for a man to just see me as a piece of meat. I want a man that sees me as a woman who is strong yet, fragile. Someone that needs a hand everyone once in a while. Someone that can be strong sometimes but that she can't carry all the weight. I can be a superwoman for a while but than i need someone to be strong for me too. I thought that I lost grip of who I was in the midst of my trials when really i had just given up. I gave up on me. Yes, I am succeeding in some aspects but there are so many things in my heart that are never shown or expressed. I push people away. I sabotage relationships. I run from myself and I run from God. There has to be an end to my struggle and my running. There will always be problems in our lives that we have to take 3 minutes at a time. For me it's been like that since Sept 2012. I've picked up some good worthy qualities but i've also sacrificed myself in lew of what was going on. I wanted to come home and be loved by one man. I wanted to come home and know that I'm worth something. And that hope I had held onto for almost 2 years now seemed to have dwindled away. I admit that I was wrong. I admit that there was nothing good about what I was doing in order to find my way through this life. There isn't one day or one moment in the day that some part of me doesn't wish that i could change things. There were other times when I've been so drunk that it disappeared. is that good no. But it was one way that I had to deal with things hence the problem with the alcohol. i'm better now. I've said some hurtful things to people that I love. i've said things that I regret saying and of course pushed them farther away. I will be great in whatever i do. I will stand in whatever trial is coming now. I can admit it scares me to death but my power comes from a higher power. My power comes from the Lord. And had he not been there in my darkest hour who knows what would have happened. God is so good to me and i truly don't deserve his favor on me...but he's giving it. So when i think about admitting that we are wrong I know that it starts with us. WIth me. With whoever you are fighting within. Because our mind can change things. There's a quote that we use in the military that says " When the body shuts down the mind takes over" Pretty self explanitory. We can make or break our thoughts. we can choose to soar or fall. We can stand or crumble. Our mind is the strongest muscle we have and it can be a positive or a negative. So when you are wrong....Do you admit it and think that we can get away with it? or do we admit that we are wrong and try to bring the positives to the table when we know what the repercussions could be? This day you choose. Just like we can't serve two masters. Will you choose to be positive or Negative?

Making it right

I said what was needed to be said and the nightmares and the hate has disappeared. Praise God. It's funny what going out in the middle of the woods will do for you. Granted my drill is only out towards Marietta,Oh I still feel like theres a deeper connection to life. I wanted to be mad and upset but than i get there....and things suddenly change. I'm not Netty Southern any more. I'm Private Jeanette Southern of the US Army National Guard. Thats a name that I am proud of. Thats somthing that i'm standing up for and I don't have the time or the energy to be hating on people when at some point someone is going to be firing a gun at me and I'll be doing all that I can not only to protect myself but to protect this country. Nothing more will be said about the previous post and you will no longer be able to see it. My thoughts are out in the open and my heart is cleared of all guilt. It may not have been the proper way to do it but i've tried to proper ways. I've tried to hold my tongue...I've even tried to do it in a civil way. I guess my Detroit side tends to show a lot more than i think it does. I feel so much older now...so much more wise. that there are things in life that i still don't understand and with the military i will do all that i can to not compromise my getting in. I don't care what other people think of me. What matters is what I think of me. 23 Days. Thats it. 23 days to try and make amends even if they shouldn't be made but still a time that i know that I need to step up and quit complaining about all that is wrong in my life and focus on whats good. Focus on the positive memories. Focus on the people that love me and the people that i have neglected to tell that they mean something to me. It's time for me to Man up. Put on my big girl panties and do all that I can to make things right.
 John 8:32-33 And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.

³³ They answered him, We be Abraham's seed, and were never in bondage to any man: how sayest thou, Ye shall be made free?

This verse has been popping up in my head all week. It's one of those that you can't get out. The truth isn't made to be easy to hear or accept. However, there are times when we need to keep our mouths shut and when we need to speak the truth. This was one of those times for me to tell the truth. Not that I'm a dishonest person but i was looking at my own integrity. I've done so much to be a leader but i've disregarded my own integrity. I want to focus more on what God wants and less on what I want. I know that things are really tough for me right now but in a few precious days i'll be gone for almost 5.5 months. That is where it's really hitting me. It's hitting me for 2 reasons. 1. Because the people that things need to made right with i won't be able to right them
2. Other people will just think that i'm an emotional mess...and I admit sometimes i am. But at the end of the day I have to work out my own Salvation with fear and trembling. I have to stand up and face God for my sins and indiscretions. I have to deal with my punishment on my own. And though i know that Jesus is in my heart that doesn't mean that I'll still make heaven. I believe i will but nothing is promised. Nothing is ever promised!

So I'm starting with me. I'm gonna finish getting right than i'll go to those that i need to or I'll write to those that I need to write to and begin to make amends the christian way!

Be blessed ya'll

Bottling it up

Over the past few months things have gone a little haywire for me. I've been up and down emotionally. I've hit rock bottom. I've spent more nights drunk that i think i did sober. However i'm learning that with me bottling up all thats on my head and on my heart i'm more liable to hurt myself by drinking that I am if i'm talking about whats going on. With that, comes a lot of revealing. It comes a lot of pain and a lot of hurt. What i've just written is just the tip of the iceberg. I've lied for this person. I've held my tongue. I've even had my friends telling this person whats going on in my life. Well if ya'll really want to know this is going to throw you all for a loop. I'm not bottling it up anymore. I'm not gonna be that girl that cant control her emotions. I have bigger and better things to do than to just sit in the shadows and watch my p's and q's because it's affecting their life. THIS IS MY LIFE. I WILL LIVE IT AS I SEE FIT. and if someone doesn't like that than delete me and don't read my blog. I'm getting my life together and I will do it in a way that i know hasn't failed me. I will write and write til the cows come home. I will stand up for my own integrity. I will continue to soar on the wings of eagles and I pray that you don't try to stop me. Don't tell me i'm wrong for what i feel. I've bottled it up for way to long and I will not let this anger; hurt; hate; disgust....consume me. I will survive; I will thrive; And you better get out of the way because this girl is truly on Fire!





Simple

You think that it's so simple

to kindly hold my tongue

when deep down inside me

i want to show the world 

that you are scum.

you thought that my lying

would keep you from all harm

well deep down inside of me

i'm setting off the alarms

we want to see this person

that is always in the right

that sees the good in everyone

that won't put up a fight

when truly all we see is the

shade you are today

you change your colors like a chameleon

to whomever you are with that day

you tell people what they want to hear

you build them up

you make them tell you all their fears

you help them out of their ruts

but deep down it's just ammo

that you can arm yourself with

Something that you'll hold on to

until you have the time to us it

How many nights did we spend together

with you telling me what i want to hear

the nights right after ya'll got together

yeah, you were with me thent oo

but i forget that you don't remember 

and that we had cut it off. 

now i remember october; november and december

when you couldn't get enough. 

But then came January 

when you said it was thru

but remember it's not a race thing

but the white way just aint for you

You wanted me to communicate 

and i've finally found the words

but don't worry its only my thoughts

there's nothing that can change my world.

You are nothing but a scum bag

who got exactly what you wanted

but i have nothing to lose now

so just shut up and deal with it.

Remember you can't turn no whore into a house wife.

but better be happy a whore than to be the dish rag

that i became to you.

I thought you said you loved me

til death do us part.

well you can keep the death part because i don't want you

you've continually broken my heart

i'm on to bigger and better things now

don't be boo hooing for me when i'm gone

you missed your chance 

for me to stay or to even hang on

In the Shadows

I walk around this town
with my head held high
not thinking of the consequences
that may or may not arise
it's been a long time
since we've been apart
but still i hear the whispers
of how i'm breaking your heart

In the shadows
i have stayed
out of the view of the sun
to keep my own integrity
to stand in where i can run
When will my life start
when will what i say not matter
how much longer
do i have to live in your shadow

days turn into weeks
where i've cried myself to sleep
months has come to a year
when we just don't speak
i hold my tounge so much
but i'm still the bad guy
to think we fought just last month
and you made me cry
I disapear from sight
and people start to worry
that maybe i've moved away
maybe i'm somewhere not living
but even those remarks catch your ear
and sadly enough to your eyes
i'm still here

Youve moved on
found a way
found a girl to take my place
yet, every time something goes wrong
im the one to blame even when i'm not around...


In the shadows
i have stayed
out of the view of the sun
to keep my own integrity
to stand in where i can run
When will my life start
when will what i say not matter
how much longer
do i have to live in your shadow

conquering our anger

It's funny how anger can change your whole mood. Change what good things happened...what people you saw...what people you may have helped. it changes. I spent a good 2 hours this evening being completely mad. Mad about something that God helped me with. Mad that the outcome wasn't want i expected it to be. Mad that i got told that i was wrong when i knew that it wasn't about me being wrong. So i cussed up a storm. I said " i hate you" to someone when really i was just trying to let them know that  i was just about as frustrated with the things that they were. Than i sat down and talked to my neighbor. We talked things out and he reminded me that sometimes things don't always go the way that we plan them to go. That we want things now and sometimes we have to wait. but that when God gives us the words and says that we need to speak that we need to speak. I can't apologize for that. I won't. I asked for the words and God gave them to . now whether or not the person hearing those words was effected obviously they were. There are things greater in this world than to focus one what little tiny thing happened that made us angry. I'll be yelled at; degraded; torn down and punished in boot camp. BUt this one little thing pushed me to my breaking point. Well thats it. if i can't handle this tiny little thing that i can't handle anything that is so much bigger. So i pray that the Lord give me strength because i'm gonna need it. And i pray that my anger be gone. 

Remember me this way

Watching the snow come down
my mind is in a fog
there are so many people that I love
it makes me sing songs
I wonder every day
what it would be like
if someone had forgetting
who i am in my life
I want to be remembered
as a good friend to all
even if your my enemy
you know i'd take your fall
i've broken many hearts
and i've lied to many too
i've been stuck down in the dumps
and truly come unglued
but i'm finding in my heart
that i won't be forgotten
even if it means i'm just out of sight
i know that time will heal my lot
That God will make me bright
But i pray that you don't forget
don't forget who i am
don't remember the hurt i placed on you
don't remember where i've been
I can't change my yesterdays
but i'm keeping faith today
my tomorrows are never promised
but just remember me this way.

One month Five days

This has been already a crazy month. Well it was a crazy month past tense. Things have been shaky and rocky and down right seemingly impossible. But i realized that i'm making it. I don't have the best of the best. I don't make a lot of money. I don't have expensive things...but praise God there's food on my table theres heat in my apartment. i have a job. I'm leaving for boot camp in a little over a month. Things are great. Well maybe not great but they are good. They have come full circle. i'm realizing that I'm finding my way. I have a great support in WV and I have a good support in Mi, Cali, NY...all over. Im utterly blessed.  I checked yesterday and i'm down officially 104 lbs. I don't know what i did when i was 100lbs heavier. I feel great. I'm in the best shape of my life and now it's just taking it one day at a time to keep moving forward. I can't place blame for my screw ups because i can own up to my mistakes. I can't place blame for people hating me because thats the least i deserve. So to those that I know hate me and don't like me I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me. Right now the path that I'm on is being positive and to keep pushing myself to do bigger and better things to get places and to be somebody. I'll lay my life down for anyone of my friends and even a perfect stranger. I will find that greatness within me and I will continue to soar through life. I may not ever get remarried and I may not ever have children but know that I'll be looking for opportunities to be a better woman; girlfriend; friend; sister; Aunt; cousin....Falling in love is the easy part. It's the staying in love thats the problem but i know that if i'm loving me and God loves me than i don't need anyone else to give me the pity party of why i can't/shouldn't believe in God. He's not left me. I left him but circumstances change. The heart can change. That love may never leave but it doesn't mean that i can't pick up the pieces to my heart and let God mend them. So in one month and five days...my life will be changing again. I will protect and serve the country and home that I love. And for me...thats enough.

Be blessed

Blink of an Eye

It's funny how things change
in the blink of an eye
that decisions we make can mold us
make us foolish or make us wise
I thought that things would be different
that i'd have a gaggle of kids
but instead i'm Military bound
To serve and protect the lives we live
I wanted to blame someone
Especially my God.
I didn't want to admit
that I was wrong with things in my life
I sabotage the good things
then can't let them go
I hold onto the bad things
this is just an awful cycle i know
I shifted my life in circles
I wanted to make everyone pay
So I said and did things that I wasn't suppose to
To make them feel my pain
In the end i've realized that
this is my destructive path
That i may be hurting others
but i'm ripping away the good that i have
I want to see the sunshine on these darkened days
 I want to catch the fireflies after the summers rain
I want to see the stars as beautiful as they are
I want to hear the laughter as the children play in the yard
the scales are slowly falling
from my eyes so I can see
That with everything that happened yesterday
this is where i'm meant to be.
Time is always constant
but we as a people we change
so I give my Lord my everything
because these mistakes, these mishaps, these trials
keep making me strong.
I'll admit that some days are harder
but I'm keeping my head up
And God is making me stronger
So i will get thru this test!

Prayers appreciated

Looking in the mirror the last few days. I don't recognize who i am. I'm on this destructive path that I'm not sure what to do. So since i've deactivated my facebooks and will be deactivating my twitter.
Prayers are appreciated.thanks

Me and the Lord

Listenin to the music
that sets my soul aflame
deep within my stomach
the butteflies they came
i don't know what it is
that sets my spirit free
something deep inside me
makes me happy to be me
i remember when i started
to sing the lullabies
to rock the children gently
hold them close when they cry
It gave me a purpose
to keep singing my song
hope that tomorrow
i could help make them strong
but as they got older
the music seemed to change
more focused on my heart
more focused on the pain
i didn't sing the children to sleep
i didn't sing at all
i felt all hope was lost
til i truly found the Lord
And though i don't praise him enough
the songs remain the same
the soothing of my heart
the lullabies they came
not to calm a child
but to calm my very soul
that deep within my heart
my soul began to glow.
So with every nightmare
i sing me back to sleep
the lullaby of peace
a lullaby of grace
He holds me in his arms
and keeps me safe and warm
no other man do I need
it's just Me and the Lord

No more hold on me

I'm taking all the power back
i won't let you see
me cry my stinking eyes out
because you can't stand me.
I am just one woman
i'm beautiful smart and fun
I'm deteremined to get over you
i'm focused on being done
Although i admit this moment
is somewhat bittersweet
i've been knocked down to many times
Now i'm standing on my own feet
I did what I wanted
I drank some years off my life
I did who i wanted
but it was all for spite.
In the end it don't matter
cause she can have those seconds
she have the broken promises
she can have those angry moments
You can't control my life
and i will speak whats on my heart
Don't worry baby, your secrets safe
I don't want to cause you any 'strife'
Todays a new day closing
and i spent most of it thinking bout you
but no more will i be your cake
that you can have whenever you want to
i'm done blaming everyone
this time its just you n me
But don't come knocking
when the i told you so's come out
cause I won't be there
and you aint got no more hold on me!

The wake up call

The sun is shining outside though the wind is whipping around like mini tornados through the streets. I just look up and realize how much of my life i feel like i've wasted. Like all that time molding and changing and forming who i am to be better for the person that I love the most to realized that you were just used in his sick twisted game as a pawn that he could move/have/ do whatever he wanted to whenever he wanted to. I'm not saying that I didn't allow it..what i'm saying is at what point do you stop hoping that they show up at your door? or that they drive past your house? At what point will feeling better today be in the forcast for whatever you have in store? I mean don't get me wrong i like to go out and meet new people and I love hanging out...but i'm ready to settle down. Not in the aspect of get remarried or anything but in the aspect of giving up the partying and the smoking and the bad decisions. I've burned a lot of bridges but i think now the one that I needed to burn has finally been burned. I believe that it's been burned to the point that if we ever had the chance to start over that my heart would tell me yes but my mind and soul though they are still connected would tell me no. The lies; the broken promises; the secret i love yous; the your crazy; all the mean things i've  been called...etc...the list goes on and on. I'm finally gettin the wake up call. I'm gettin the message that for months and months before i moved out that I was allowing myself to be led on. I still cry myself to sleep. I still try and pray. I still hope that he'd come back. But if he did i don't know what i'd do! I don't know how i'd handle myself. I don't know how i'd be able to go back to who I was and be that optimistic person that i was and saw the world thru all the good. I may not ever be able to make another love connection with anyone. Not in the way that they deserve. So i guess that means that he wins. I'm the best thing for him. But i'm also the worse thing for him. But this isn't about him anymore. It's not about what was. It's about the fact that God willing He shows me how to be without that someone by my side. that i can look at each day thru new eyes. That I'll be able to keep picking myself up when i fall. That i can learn to love all over again. This is my wake up call.

The moment of truth

It's come to the realization that people don't know who I am. This girl right here that seems to have a roller coaster of a blog. The girl that knows what life is about and who had to learn the hard way in order to get to where I am. The road has most certainly not been an easy one but it is the one that i chose. Many people think that I'm a wayward Christian. That i only preach it when i'm on fire for God. Thats what people see. Thats what they want to say well she's living in sin so why should i listen to her? Thats a very good point. For the most part they are right. I do live somewhat of a sinful life. I drink; I smoke; I hang out in bars... i'm always with someone but i'm always lonely. (with someone as in friends) Usually if i'm bringing something up from the bible it just means that I've been there. I've walked that path and I know what it's like when you look up and see how much of your life is wasted on the stupidity that you've let it. A lot of people think that since my divorce i've gone a little crazy. And that may be slightly true...but don't we all have a little crazy in us? Thats what makes us who we are...what we've been thru have made us or has broken us. I was broken for a long long time. I'm just now able to get up and smell the roses. I gave up a life that i didn't think that i wanted by sabotaging it. Though truth is I never fully did the acts that i was accused of that resulted in my divorce...i did cheat in my heart. I wanted to but when the time came to do it...i pulled up a picture of how happy and how wonderful it was to finally have found someone that saw me past my pain and my short comings. No i'm not saying that my life was perfect. By no means was it...but it was great to know that someone cared enough about me to want to teach and help me. life lessons...reality checks...real love...truth...honor and commitment. I know that I'll get ripped a new one for even talking about my marriage but it's time to come clean. Not that i have to come clean to you but this is my journey. this is my new adventure. This is my life and how I deal with things. I'm not going to stop glancing in the rear view mirror because it makes people upset. my life isn't about making people upset though it happens more often than not. I'm one person. I can't change the world alone...i can only change me. 

    As for now, with everything for the Army National Guard it's completely exhilarating  I love it. I love that it's pushing me emotionally; physically; and psychologically. I'm learning something new every day and in due time I will be more than I am. I'm so excited. And i have such a positive outlook on life that there's no stopping this momentum. I know that this is the best option for me. I know that tomorrow is never promised but now it gives me something to look forward too. I may not be the best christian in the world...but I love God with all my heart all my mind and all my soul. I fall short daily. I love til it hurts and I give when I have nothing. I've loved one man with a passion and a fire so deep and bright that I don't want to love another again. And i won't. I'm one woman who is on a mission to continually change herself and mold herself into the woman that God wants me to be. I'm not afraid of being hurt or being lonely because there is always someone with me. He loves me for me. I am a daughter of a might King. And thru my short comings and my failures he still loves me. This is who I am. You can either support me and pray for me or you can leave me be. But know that I'll be praying for you. Whether or not i know you. This is my truth. This is my certainty. This is my life. I may wander the world alone because i let that love slip away but know that I'd rather wander it alone than pretend to love someone who's in love with me. I will be great. I will conquer. I will Thrive. Maybe not here in West Virginia but I will be great wherever I am and wherever God leads me.

I spent a year and half being jealous of women who i thought took my place. And in some aspects they have.  but the good times being as good as they are, are what i remember. The pain is gone. I hurt comes and goes. But i know that in my heart of hearts that only time will tell. What will be will be. I don't want to keep doing what i've been doing just to keep getting what i get. As the wonderful Yoda would say: Do or do not...there is no try. SO I'm doing and sometimes i fail...but i'm not discouraged because i'm learning on the way.

The moment of truth...take me for who I am not what you see!

This time

How many times
do i have to stand alone
how many times do i have to
sit and mope
why do you think
that I matter to you
when all this time
you've left broken and blue

This time
i'll be standing
up strong
this time
I know where i belong
And you aren't here
anymore

What made you think
that i couldn't handle myself
when i wanted to be near you
you left me in the cold
I prayed all night
that you'd keep me warm
and still those nights
you were gone

This time
I'll be standing up strong
This time I know where I belong
This time you won't bring me down
all because you aren't here
right now


Thru the years
thru the tears
thru the ups and the downs
I loved you more than life itself
thought i tried to change
I wasn't being me
this time I'll be all that i can be


This time
i'll be standing
up strong
this time
I know where i belong
And you aren't here
No, YOU aren't here
You'll never be here
anymore....

Never give up

I was standing in the rain today
as the sleet smacked my face
silently a tear slipped down my cheek

my body ached from head to toe
my car was doors were frozen shut
and all i could think of is
"is this really how today is going to go?'

So i took the time just to look up
I looked to the heavens
where i know my strength comes
I looked up and You were there

I don't ever want to let this go
I don't want to lose you
I will push harder
i will push myself past my limits
But I will never give up

I finally got my doors open
slid into my car every muscle tensed up
as i turned the car on
Go hard or Go home played
And all i could think was


I don't ever want to let this go
I don't want to lose you
I will push harder
i will push myself past my limits
But I will never give up

can only do better

the day was warm
the air chilled
i marched to the course
with high hopes
every step my body ached
my heart pounded
my mind raced
my soul cried out to God
Lord please let me not die
one by one we ran
step for step
breath for breath
heartbeats racing
its started.
slowly my body
bends and bows
creaks and aches
but i push on
if i had wings i could fly.
fly high above the clouds
but this run feels like flying
finishing the turn eyes upon God
ready to puke
kidneys cramping
but i finished...
sweat pouring down my face
not my best
yet, I pushing to be better.
i cant do anything but better.
i will not fail. It's not an option.

A Little bit of courage

A little bit of courage
Can go a long long way
To step out of our comfort zone
To let our lives be changed
To crawl through the window
As the last door has been shut
To start a brand new novel
To keep reaching for the stars
With the little bit of honor
We thought was once lost
To feel it reignited
By the momentary thoughts
But as i stand encouraged
My whole life is about to change
To bring forth new challenges
My courage, my honor...my life
Will never be the same.

The Life Changer

Someone told me once that I have the tendency to be on Fire for God but it doesn't last. I guess in a way they were right. But when all is said and done my salvation isn't through them. It's not through what they think.Once judgement day comes around it's me that I have to worry about. NOt me and the whole wide world.
  A good friend of mine sat and talked with me. He listened. I talked. And talked....and talked. I know I talk alot but this was more than a lot for me. There was confirmation on a few things; there was weights lifted off of me. There was a healing inside of me. I thought that God was mad at me for the things i did in the past but he remembers them no more. I am a daughter of an Amazing King. He loves me and will treat me as such. I wanted to be mad at things and i wanted to hurt people but I don't have that urge anymore. I don't have the urge to be loud and obnoxious. I don't want to tell people off. I want to keep my thoughts my own, i want to keep my prayers going for people continually. No , i'm by no means perfect. But I am striving to be better than I was yesterday. I am striving to soar thru life loving everything about me. I am Striving to live up to the covenant that I have between God and what he has promised me. I am loved so deeply by Him that there is no man on this earth that can take his place. If you want me...you have to take the God in me as well. I wanted to end my life because of the hurt that was deep within me. I wanted to stop living because i didn't know how to deal with the situations of my life...but now, I want to live so that I can make today amazing and i can look forward to tomorrow even though tomorrow isn't promised. My life has Changed. I have changed! I don't want to go back to what I was. I don't want to keep doing what I always did. I want to push to be so much better than that. It's me and God. And I am striving to live my life as such. He is my Life-Changer.

Today is Mine

Taking that step
moving along
keepin my head up
trying to be strong
the day is mine
to conquer with you
there's no need to cry
i refuse to be blue
I can sing all the songs
that make me upset
but instead
i'm standing with
no regrets
The day is mine
i'm getting through
though my minds
all jumbled
with whats left to do
i can't live my life
under a microscope
i can't take back the
things that i've wrote
the bridges i've burned
there was a point
theres no blame to place
for all the hurt
i'm just being me
the only way that i know
not falling on my face
or putting people low
the chapter is ended
i'm turning the page
I'm living for me
cause
there's no day but today.
so please
don't let me stop your life
because i'm living with
hurt and strife
I'll survive and so will you
the joy that i'm making
is through the steps i've had to take
through the pain i had to feel
through all my mistakes
the day is mine
and i'll live it as i see fit
and for you haters...
get over yourselves
Cuz i'm done with you
this is my life
not yours
I'm going to rise to greatness
and you'll have nothing to do with it.
SO i'll keep taking that step
moving ahead
not looking back
not being sad
i'll be just fine...
I always am
but don't you forget it
Today is mine

He gave me

He gave sunshine
After the rain
He gave me medicine
When i was in pain
He walked me thru the darkness
Cause he's the light
He gave me peace
Thru my sleepless night
But thru his ultimate sacrifice
He gave me hope
He took on my hurt
And i thought he was a joke
Yet, now thru the storm
He's given me new life
He renewed my strength
Helped me back in the fight.
So now I'll give him everything
Although he needs no part of me
My Jesus my Savior
Has shown me what it means to be free.

60 days from now

sixty days from now

the memories will fade

i'll be in a regiment 

i'll be in some pain

I won't even look back

at what once was

cause in sixty days

i'll never know we loved

I won't remember the wedding

i won't remember the fights

i won't remember the thunderstorms

when you'd hold me so tight

I'll keep my word

because honor is what I have

but just know that sixty days from now

at one point in my life

you were all that i had.

I'll sacrifice it all

to be more than i am

knowing you'll never be mine

i've found a new plan

I'll keep moving forward

with my military goals

You won't even know it

because this won't be my home.

I won't look back...

i'll keep moving forward

I'll never say I love you again

...sixty days from now

Walking away

Walking away
from the life i thought i knew
taking the new chances
flying where the sky is blue
my heart still can't take
her wrapped up in your arms
for all the mistakes i made
for all the times i did you harm
It's time to just cut my losses
to wipe away the tears
it's time to put my big girl pants on
and find someone elses arms
I know that you don't want me
And you want no one else to have me
but i'm ready to be loved the way i need to be
i'm ready to love him too.
So walking away from you aint easy
my heart is on the floor
but i'm leaving my heart
where you left me....
broken as i walked out the door.

Blaming myself

The weirdest feeling in the world was when i got the phone call for work this morning. I just walked into the gym. So i ran  half mile in 4 minutes. Thats not bad. Wasn't winded or anything. Grabbed my clothes and walked out the door. I would have thought that my mind wouldnt play tricks on me because the night before i had just got on my knees and prayed to God. Prayed for guidance, patience, courage and strength. I prayed for the one i love who i walked away from. Prayed that i made the right decision and that if it be Gods will to fix what hope in me thats died.  So as I'm racing home to change clothes for church. There he goes...driving ahead of me. My heart stopped. My hands got sweaty my stomach was filled with butterflies. And i didn't even talk to him. I just glanced at him as i passed him. I never asked God to bring him around. I never asked for a sign. But it was comfirmation to my prayer. Then in church it was talking about building a home. And the message was about everything i needed to hear.
To the girl....
When i needed a friend you were there. Standing by me pretending to be my friend. And suddenly you've become this person who's heart i never thought could be so ugly. I may not like you and you may say nasty ugly things about me and I've done the same about you. I'm sorry. I was wrong for playing that high school game. I forgive you...and one day i hope you can forgive me.

To the one i love:
I am so sorry that i wanted you to be as miserable as i was. I was greedy and selfish. Everything that i did wrong in our relationship i cant take back. I cant change what hurt you are trying to overcome. I want you to be happy even if that means without me. But please...let me go. If you truly don't want to be with me than give me your blessing so i could maybe one day love another. We will never be as we were. One flesh we will always be in our souls. You will always be my husband and my true love that i took for granted. Know that i will always carry you on my heart. Just like my 5 leaf clover. I know what the deal is pickle...I hope one day we will be friends. And we can look past the hurt and to what we have in front of us. Two hard headed people who are meant to be best friends :)

We can't change what tomorrow brings by Gods grace we are forgiven and made white as snow for yesterdays mistakes. I know how to love. I know how to forgive. But i dont want to forget what and who made me who i was and who i am today. Gods blessed and i resolve to give him everything i have.

Hurt him

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iTyT2B9Sa80

The song that i posted is called And So it Goes...By Billy Joel

but this is all i'm writing about for my heart

The night before beckons
deep within my soul
the laughter and the joy
that makes me almost feel whole
I have a man who loves me
and will give me the world
he wants to take care of me
make me his girl
but deep down i can't let him
cuz i can't give him my heart
it's a piece of me thats protected
it keeps me from falling apart
every morning i wake up
reliving things of the past
making it more difficult
to find a love that i'll let last
I don't want to hurt him
i don't want to let him in
i'm already invested
but i'm sabotaging this thing
i don't know who to turn to
I don't feel God in me
I am confused hurt and wishing
things had happened differently.
I want to say i love him
but i don't know that for sure
i want to be someones girl
but not the first man i fall for
And so i'll sit in silence
trying not to cry
that my heart is someone elses
i'm afraid now, that it'll never be mine.

Just doin me

Over time we stand before the mirror and do we really like what we see? do we want to take the time to realize our regrets our hurts our pain? I don't want to look in the mirror anymore because I know who I am. I am a broken hearted...strong willed woman who has been still to this day living under the shadow of a man that she is no longer with. I can't handle the turmoil this brings to my life and I can't handle the people that are in his life. So form this day forward this is about me. I am pushing and striving to be better for me. No man is gonna change me or control me. Even if i love them; they aren't going to tell me what i can or can't do. They aren't going to expect me to be perfect because i never will. I will love deeper. Live longer. Soar higher than he will ever know. But i won't be doing it to please him. I'm just doin me!

forbidden love...older poem from 2007

a cold hand
touches my shoulder
the meer touch
sends chills down my spine
the forbidden kisses
graze over my neck
and i remember why your mine

in the dark we cant see
what the other is thinking
we cling to each other
like white on rice
these are the moments
that last forever
the forbidden love
thats you and i

i tried to get my barings
in the silence of the room
my heart beating rapidly
with my every move
i feel your body
envelope mine
tears of joy escape
i cant believe what
i took time to find

in the dark we cant see
what the other is thinking
we cling to each other
like white on rice
these are the moments that last forever
the forbidden love
you and i

Little moments

It's those little morning moments
when the sun begins to shine
that joy is overwhelming
and peace comes from inside
I love those special moments
when you are on my mind
makes me forget all the bad things
that plague this heart of mine
You are omnipresent
and always in my heart
You lift me up
out of the darkness
you've mended my broken heart
I love you more than anything
that this materialistic world has to offer
I know that deep within me
You are my true father
Oh Lord, how i thank you
for the sunshine through this rain
gives me hope in tomorrow
that it wont be the same as yesterday
But today Lord I thank you
for the peace within my heart
Thank you for your presents
I pray we'll never be apart
So like those little moments
when you soar within my soul
i pray they never end
And you bring sunshine to the world.

Singing through the pain

The days blur together
the never seems to change
the moments that lasted forever
are quickly fading away
i dont know what tomorrow holds
or what today has to bring
All i know is that What i want
to just to be singing
Singing through the sorrow
the hurt and the pain
singing in the sunshine
and singing through the rain
the song never seems
to quick reach my lips
the song of unending joy
the happiness the bliss
so to start the days off right
i open up my mouth
to push forth the sound
that wells inside my heart
it's an overflowing joy
that no words can express
but still no sound can come
and my mind won't seem to rest
There are memories
i'd like to get across to the world
moments of exuberance
moments of the calm
the times that i remember
seem so far away
that i'll sing through this sorrow
this hurt and this pain

6 years and counting: the recollection of it all

I sat here for a long time and tried to weigh out the goods and bads for the last year. Honestly, there are so many things that i'd like to express but i just don't know how to. I don't know how to form the words to make it known what is going on inside. As of today, Jan 1 2013, I have been in WV for 6 years. the first year was  a year of new experiences . And thats when i met the man i knew from the moment he acted a fool that I was suppose to grow old with. But things have changed. I've been divorced now almost 8 months and it still seems a little surreal to me that it's actually happened. Its crazy to think that now that I'm single and down 95 lbs that people notice me. How sad? It's sad that when you are heavier but still a good person people don't see you. But i guess thats what I loved about my ex husband. He saw me when I couldn't even see myself. yes, there were some bad times but overall we had a good solid relationship. So now, 6 years into WV, I leave for Boot Camp in March. I live on my own and work like a dog. Which i know i will for the rest of my life but this year it's just been stepping up and taking a chance on things that i would normally never do. It's about trying out new things and finding a way to fill a void that truly only God can fill. My mom brought me a painting that my Bupa did. IT's just a picture of an old mill. And everyday i look at it and Thank God that i was blessed with such amazing Grandparents. My Nana the last time I saw her told me...you guys are meant to be together. But you have to keep God first and wait out this storm. Guess that didn't go to plan because a month after I got divorced she passed away. The biggest honor i could have ever done was to sing at her Funeral. And I sang. With all that I had because i didn't get a chance to sing for her before i moved back to WV. I know that shes up there watching over me. I know it I can feel her all around me just like the holy spirit. Shes my guardian angel.
So this year i'm going to do my best to push myself more than ever. TO love deeper, Sing more often, To dance like no one is watching and to just live. Too many times we don't truly live unless in the face of danger. Well I can't change my yesterdays. and I can't predict the future....So I'm going to live today as if i can die tomorrow.