The wake up call

The sun is shining outside though the wind is whipping around like mini tornados through the streets. I just look up and realize how much of my life i feel like i've wasted. Like all that time molding and changing and forming who i am to be better for the person that I love the most to realized that you were just used in his sick twisted game as a pawn that he could move/have/ do whatever he wanted to whenever he wanted to. I'm not saying that I didn't allow it..what i'm saying is at what point do you stop hoping that they show up at your door? or that they drive past your house? At what point will feeling better today be in the forcast for whatever you have in store? I mean don't get me wrong i like to go out and meet new people and I love hanging out...but i'm ready to settle down. Not in the aspect of get remarried or anything but in the aspect of giving up the partying and the smoking and the bad decisions. I've burned a lot of bridges but i think now the one that I needed to burn has finally been burned. I believe that it's been burned to the point that if we ever had the chance to start over that my heart would tell me yes but my mind and soul though they are still connected would tell me no. The lies; the broken promises; the secret i love yous; the your crazy; all the mean things i've  been called...etc...the list goes on and on. I'm finally gettin the wake up call. I'm gettin the message that for months and months before i moved out that I was allowing myself to be led on. I still cry myself to sleep. I still try and pray. I still hope that he'd come back. But if he did i don't know what i'd do! I don't know how i'd handle myself. I don't know how i'd be able to go back to who I was and be that optimistic person that i was and saw the world thru all the good. I may not ever be able to make another love connection with anyone. Not in the way that they deserve. So i guess that means that he wins. I'm the best thing for him. But i'm also the worse thing for him. But this isn't about him anymore. It's not about what was. It's about the fact that God willing He shows me how to be without that someone by my side. that i can look at each day thru new eyes. That I'll be able to keep picking myself up when i fall. That i can learn to love all over again. This is my wake up call.