The Ballad of a Single Mother

To whom it may concern,

    Today marks the day that I took off work to have an R&R day. I probably should have went to work to make the money needed to take care of my son, however, I also realized that IF i don't take care of myself than I am no good to my son. How can I be a great mother when I'm short and irritable with my child? How can i help him soar if I'm too tired to look up educational games for him to play? How can i be an effective parent when I would rather pass him off the babysitter because the depression hits so hard that a bottle of liquor is the remedy?  The truth is, I can't! I can't watch my son fail in his life because I'm the one that's struggling to make ends meet. I can't sit and ignore my son because I'm trying to keep my overly emotional self under wraps while he just wants to curl up in my arms and wants me to hold him close.

But here's what i can do. I can take one day out of my busy schedule between working a full time job and being in the military to relax and get house work done so our house feels like a home. I can dump out that bottle of liquor I have in the freezer to avoid the temptation. I can spend the day doing things to make our lives better since I am in the mommy and daddy role. I can find an avenue to conquer my own insecurities one step at a time. Those are the things that i can do.

Now to all of you that watch how I raise my son:

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!!! We single mom's have a challenge that no man or single person in this world can understand. We have a world to give to our children and most of time don't have the means to do it. Yes, sometimes we look a hot mess. In my case that is normal. I've struggled with trying to get my sons father to come into his life and I've failed. I've failed because there's a hurt between him and I that cannot be replaced; but here's the good news....WHO CARES! I refuse to talk bad about my sons father because he was someone dear to my heart. I refuse to think that all men are deadbeats because every man has his own reasoning and his own story that he is writing. I refuse to dwell on what broke up my relationship with the man that i loved so dearly. But I will not sit back and watch him walk in and out of our sons life. This is the hardest part about the struggle. BE there or NOT. There's no in between. There's no if ands or buts about what should be right and shouldn't be right. It's not my life or my heart that is being broken because i hung that hurt up a long time ago. Please understand though that we all have skeletons in the closet. We are have the secrets that we don't want anyone to know about and we all the hurt that can't ever be fixed.

       Ready for the good news? We are SURVIVORS. We can conquer and adapt to any situation because we know what it's like to watch the world judge is by the actions that we have made. WE understand the struggle and bad reps that we have because we had children out of wedlock or in results of divorce. The options are for us to walk into the world and take it by the horns and wrangle, wrestle and fight with every ounce of our being. This is the time that we prove to the world that though we might get assistance from the state that we are amazing WOMEN! We are the makers of our own universe and in such it is our job to stand up tall and take over. Don't worry Ma, it's gonna hurt and you are gonna cry...DO IT. Cry it out. If we hide  our emotions from our kids than yes we are protecting them but we aren't teaching them that it's ok to be sad. It's ok to be hurt. It's ok to fail. The harder we are on ourselves the more damage ( in my own opinion) is done. We got this!


Here's what not to do:

Girl, everyone loves to have that man or woman around that makes things that much easier and of course who doesn't love a booty call? We are wrong for that. We are wrong to think that having a man or having a woman in our lives is going to fix all of our problems. Most of the time we just complicate things. And trust me, I'm not judging...I preaching at my ownself because I have a habit of doing the same thing. The only love that can be found in a situation of man jumping is self loathing and infatuation. It's that temporary high that we all need to feel good about ourselves and to give us encouragement but in the end we are left broken and shatter with no hope and back to the bottle we go. Let's hang that up! It's time to start by loving ourselves. it's time to love who we are and not what someone else can do for us. It's time that we open our pretty eyes and see our beauty and self worth. Ya never know what you'll become when you have an inward change---guess what? that change shows on the outside and there's nothing more beautiful that to see a woman who LOVES herself in a manner that her genuine heart shows on the outside in how she carries herself; loves her kids; and how she treats people.  So in all I leave you with this wonderful quote from Rabindranath Tagore:
Beauty is truth's smile when she beholds her own perfect face.



Be strong my single momma's! your time to shine is coming....and it starts with you!


Signed,

A confident Single MOM

Hard Dose of Reality

The Truth

I waited so long to know what love felt like again. I watched everyone around me fall in love and get married and the only thing I had received was a child born out of wedlock to a woman who wasn't supposed to be able to have kids. My little miracle; my Malaki Jordan waltzed into my world and took it by storm. A love that I had prayed for for so many years was finally in my arms. He brought out the good and bad that I had seen in my ex husband and warped my world into one that was full of joy and unconditional love.

  This is a love that everyone talks about. There's no greater love in this world than the unconditional love from a child and yet while holding my child I felt part of me was still empty. I toyed around and did my own thing for a while and then there he was. There was the man that I could trust to hold my heart in his hand and not crush it; the man that was strong and handsome and all the wonderful things a gentleman should be.

He stole my heart once and I let him get away and then i captured him again. He he the things that i could tell him and the way that i was feeling there was no stopping me from being with this man. I lost him twice and i wasn't about to lose him again

Here's the kicker....A fish that doesn't want to be caught will avoid the hook...but a fish that is willing to take the bait is a fish worth keeping.

I say that very candidly. I was caught; in love; smitten; head over heels; i was stuck! I have loved one other as much as i love that man and still to this day there isn't a moment that goes by that i don't wonder. I want to have him close to me to be near to me and to love only me. I was willing to move 1200 miles away from any of my family in order to be with him. Thats love! Love isn't about the distance it's about the connection and I would think that after 2 years of an on and off relationship that maybe just maybe it was time to make things serious. A once in a lifetime kind of love come with a lot of things : teamwork; faith; trust; hope; encouragement...etc all the wonderful fruits of the spirit are found in a once in a lifetime. Now, I've loved but never in my life have I ever been treated in a way that made me feel wanted and needed and so much more. I watched my son play and laugh and not be afraid because he knew that he loved me....which to anyone that knows  Ki he don't like any man around me. 

Hard dose of reality-

some things don't change in a relationship and some things do. Some times we watch the world through another persons eyes and we wait to see what their next move is. Earlier this week I had the phone call that shattered my heart all over again. A phone call that crippled me to the point of wanting to run away to where he was and try to reason with him.  Family is always a big thing. It's always something that can make or break a relationship; I wanted to include him in mine but i was really no part of his and in the end it ripped us apart. I watched my heart go from soaring and happy to dark and depressed. It wasn't so much the breaking up that was the part that hurt. It was the fact that family talked someone out of building a home and a family of their own in order to correct their own mistakes...I was the one who lost. I've lost so much this week alone and yes, someone always has is worse off and I'm not saying that I'm a whiny baby but this week I was. I felt like my heart stopped; i couldn't breath; i wanted to drink myself into a stupor and not come out of it. And i resisted. I fought and clawed and have cried more than i want to admit. And then the doubt came in....the questions swarmed through my head like bolts of lightning and I was slipping into a depression so deep that had it not been for great friends i wouldn't have come out of it. A broken bone would have been so much better than to have had to deal with having a broken heart.

The Good News

   I have wallowed in so much self pity that I couldn't see straight but here's what I've learned:

1. I'm a beautiful vivacious woman who has so much going for her that no one can  stop the progress

2. I'm a mother to a miracle of a little boy that i call my son and his unconditional love is all that I need.

3. Take time to heal and love myself. because while i see the negative in myself someone could be sweeping up the pieces the the shattered heart that is before then because they see who I am.

4. Trust God. God has a plan and a purpose for everything ( Jeremiah 29:11) 

5. Don't ever stop smiling. though things hurt and you are down don't stay down for long. I will one day soar by just being the mess of a woman that I am. And that's OK with me

6. Don't shut people out. We have friends for a reason. We have hope for a reason. There's nothing that a chick flick and junk food can't fix and those that are willing to hold you when you are crying are the ones that can also wipe away your tears. It's not about how you start but how you finish. I'd much rather go out with my boots on then to say that I laid down and died. this is my story to be written and I will continue to write it the best that i can. 

7. Don't be afraid to love again. (self explanatory)

I hope that those that think that I won't recover know that i'm gonna make it. I'm gonna get up each morning and Thank God for another day. i'm gonna be better and i don't want him to think that I ca't do it alone but I want him to know that no matter what I love him with all that I am. If he finds someone better so be it. I will continue to keep on keeping on and loving my little family even though we're broken. The broken part means that we can be mended and thats what i'm gonna do. I'm gonna mend my family starting with me.

---Be Blessed-----