Hard Dose of Reality

The Truth

I waited so long to know what love felt like again. I watched everyone around me fall in love and get married and the only thing I had received was a child born out of wedlock to a woman who wasn't supposed to be able to have kids. My little miracle; my Malaki Jordan waltzed into my world and took it by storm. A love that I had prayed for for so many years was finally in my arms. He brought out the good and bad that I had seen in my ex husband and warped my world into one that was full of joy and unconditional love.

  This is a love that everyone talks about. There's no greater love in this world than the unconditional love from a child and yet while holding my child I felt part of me was still empty. I toyed around and did my own thing for a while and then there he was. There was the man that I could trust to hold my heart in his hand and not crush it; the man that was strong and handsome and all the wonderful things a gentleman should be.

He stole my heart once and I let him get away and then i captured him again. He he the things that i could tell him and the way that i was feeling there was no stopping me from being with this man. I lost him twice and i wasn't about to lose him again

Here's the kicker....A fish that doesn't want to be caught will avoid the hook...but a fish that is willing to take the bait is a fish worth keeping.

I say that very candidly. I was caught; in love; smitten; head over heels; i was stuck! I have loved one other as much as i love that man and still to this day there isn't a moment that goes by that i don't wonder. I want to have him close to me to be near to me and to love only me. I was willing to move 1200 miles away from any of my family in order to be with him. Thats love! Love isn't about the distance it's about the connection and I would think that after 2 years of an on and off relationship that maybe just maybe it was time to make things serious. A once in a lifetime kind of love come with a lot of things : teamwork; faith; trust; hope; encouragement...etc all the wonderful fruits of the spirit are found in a once in a lifetime. Now, I've loved but never in my life have I ever been treated in a way that made me feel wanted and needed and so much more. I watched my son play and laugh and not be afraid because he knew that he loved me....which to anyone that knows  Ki he don't like any man around me. 

Hard dose of reality-

some things don't change in a relationship and some things do. Some times we watch the world through another persons eyes and we wait to see what their next move is. Earlier this week I had the phone call that shattered my heart all over again. A phone call that crippled me to the point of wanting to run away to where he was and try to reason with him.  Family is always a big thing. It's always something that can make or break a relationship; I wanted to include him in mine but i was really no part of his and in the end it ripped us apart. I watched my heart go from soaring and happy to dark and depressed. It wasn't so much the breaking up that was the part that hurt. It was the fact that family talked someone out of building a home and a family of their own in order to correct their own mistakes...I was the one who lost. I've lost so much this week alone and yes, someone always has is worse off and I'm not saying that I'm a whiny baby but this week I was. I felt like my heart stopped; i couldn't breath; i wanted to drink myself into a stupor and not come out of it. And i resisted. I fought and clawed and have cried more than i want to admit. And then the doubt came in....the questions swarmed through my head like bolts of lightning and I was slipping into a depression so deep that had it not been for great friends i wouldn't have come out of it. A broken bone would have been so much better than to have had to deal with having a broken heart.

The Good News

   I have wallowed in so much self pity that I couldn't see straight but here's what I've learned:

1. I'm a beautiful vivacious woman who has so much going for her that no one can  stop the progress

2. I'm a mother to a miracle of a little boy that i call my son and his unconditional love is all that I need.

3. Take time to heal and love myself. because while i see the negative in myself someone could be sweeping up the pieces the the shattered heart that is before then because they see who I am.

4. Trust God. God has a plan and a purpose for everything ( Jeremiah 29:11) 

5. Don't ever stop smiling. though things hurt and you are down don't stay down for long. I will one day soar by just being the mess of a woman that I am. And that's OK with me

6. Don't shut people out. We have friends for a reason. We have hope for a reason. There's nothing that a chick flick and junk food can't fix and those that are willing to hold you when you are crying are the ones that can also wipe away your tears. It's not about how you start but how you finish. I'd much rather go out with my boots on then to say that I laid down and died. this is my story to be written and I will continue to write it the best that i can. 

7. Don't be afraid to love again. (self explanatory)

I hope that those that think that I won't recover know that i'm gonna make it. I'm gonna get up each morning and Thank God for another day. i'm gonna be better and i don't want him to think that I ca't do it alone but I want him to know that no matter what I love him with all that I am. If he finds someone better so be it. I will continue to keep on keeping on and loving my little family even though we're broken. The broken part means that we can be mended and thats what i'm gonna do. I'm gonna mend my family starting with me.

---Be Blessed-----