Second Hand White Baby Grand

Second Hand White Baby Grand
Musical: Smash
My mother bought it secondhand from a silent movie starIt was out of tune but still I learned to playAnd with each note we both would smile forgetting who we areAnd all the pain would simply fly awayChorus:Something secondhand and broken still can make a pretty soundEven if it doesn't have a place to liveOh, the words were left unspoken when my momma came aroundBut that Secondhand White Baby Grand still had something beautiful to giveThrough missing keys and broken strings the music was our ownUntil the day we said our last goodbyesThe baby grand was sent away, a child all alone, to pray somebody else would realizeChorus:That something secondhand and broken still can make a pretty soundEven if it doesn't have a place to live]Oh. the words are still unspoken now that momma's not aroundBut that Secondhand White Baby Grand still has something beautiful to giveFor many years the music had to roamUntil we found a way to find a home.So now I wake up every day and see her standing there.Just waiting for a partner to composeAnd I wish my mother still could hearThat sound beyond compareI'll play her song till everybody knows.Chorus:That something secondhand and broken still can make a pretty soundDon't we all deserve a family room to liveOh. the words can't stay unspoken until everyone has foundThat Secondhand White Baby Grand that still has something beautiful to give.I still have something beautiful to give


I had the feeling that lately i was just second rate. I was in one of my musical moods and I stumbled upon this song. And it just opened my heart that just because we are broken or have been broken that we still have beauty within us. It's reassuring that we can overcome things. That no matter if we have no home; are broke; lost everything that we love; lost the people we love...God still loves us so much that we deserve to believe in ourselves that even though the world sees us as second rate...that we are still number one in Gods eyes

Standing up

I downloaded this song a long time ago and i never really understood the words behind it. It just kind of hit me this morning like a ton of bricks. I mean i know that there's a storm ragin around me but i mean really what am i holding on to? Why am I clinging to a hope that in most peoples eyes is lost? Why do I care about him so much that I have to take the time not to cry myself to sleep? How do I stand up?then i got back to thinking about people in the bible. Well mostly women in the bible that have done such great things but still stood when they needed too. My favorite one to follow is Esther.Esther 7:1-6

 So the king and Haman came to banquet with Esther the queen.

² And the king said again unto Esther on the second day at the banquet of wine, What is thy petition, queen Esther? and it shall be granted thee: and what is thy request? and it shall be performed, even to the half of the kingdom.

³ Then Esther the queen answered and said, If I have found favour in thy sight, O king, and if it please the king, let my life be given me at my petition, and my people at my request:

⁴ For we are sold, I and my people, to be destroyed, to be slain, and to perish. But if we had been sold for bondmen and bondwomen, I had held my tongue, although the enemy could not countervail the king's damage.

⁵ Then the king Ahasuerus answered and said unto Esther the queen, Who is he, and where is he, that durst presume in his heart to do so?

⁶ And Esther said, The adversary and enemy is this wicked Haman. Then Haman was afraid before the king and the queen.

This passage shows that She made a banquet for the King and Haman his second in power so to speak. She spoke boldly to her husband the King and in the midst of it laid out the truth because she was a Jew that she would be destroyed. In the end Haman is hanged. 

I want to be able to speak with a boldness like that. I want to be able to say  this is wrong and I won't stand for it. I may not be out of Love with my ex husband but I know what is right and what is wrong. And in the process of working out and shooting for the other galaxies...I've found that I don't need to be bound to a man that doesn't believe what i believe. I don't need a man that is going to fluctuate from day to day on what he believes or to be blinded by what wrongs have been done. Don't bring up what God has already forgiven me for. For I will stand and I know that the problem isn't with me. So from this point on...I will stand!

Stand up
Jennifer Hudson
Said I, I, II never meant to hurt youBut you didn't even tryTo take away my painOr dry my weeping eyesCause you can'tCan you baby?Keep doing me wrongAnd I won't accept it no more
You had me so caught up babyHad me so blindEverything was about youI put all my needs asideSo go back to herStop wasting my timeCause I'm gonna, I'm gonnaI'm gonna stand up
(Stand up)I'm tired of being let downTakes a damn foolTo keep you aroundGonna stand upOn my two feetCause I don't need youTo make me complete
See, I had to learn the hard way[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/stand-up-lyrics-jennifer-hudson.html ]That you were doing meYou were doing me wrongI'ma stand upYou left me aloneAnd gave me the power to finally stand up
(Stand up, damn fool)To keep you around gonnaStand upOn my two feetCause I don't need you to make me complete
To all my ladies and my girlsKnow that he's not your worldDon't be afraid to leaveCome on ladies sing with me
And stand up (Stand up, damn fool)I'm gonna stand, I'm gonnaStand upOn my two feetCause I don't need you (I don't need you)To make me complete (I won't need you)
Stand up (I won't miss you around oh baby)(Damn fool) I'd be a damn fool to keep you aroundStand up(I'll stand up)I don't need you to make me complete

Anger and Hate

My previous post I took down but i re-posted because it's whats on my heart. its how i feel. I'm not saying that i should have written it and the language in it is inexcusable. However, This is not about walking on pins and needles anymore. this is about what I'm feeling and how i'm going through things. I won't apologize for that. I won't stand back and let the world just trash me. I've been working to hard to keep my head up and keep from being the one that everyone thinks is weak. Should I have said nothing probably. But i did. The taming of the tongue is an ongoing process for me. I haven't written anything out of hate and anger mostly out of hurt and frustration and feeling used. To me it's a part of life. It's a part of growing up...and the minute that we realize that we are constantly growing or think we know it all is the day that we are truly dead.

After i wrote the poem Trash Talking Girl; I went to the gym. I had to get out of my home where i should have peace and I had to just shake off the anger. Then i started thinking about all the people in the bible. The one that comes to mind the most is Job. He was an upstanding man who loved God who feared God and who everything taken away from him. He was afflicted with boils and sick...and he still praised God; even when the people that were his "friends" told him he must have done something to anger God and that he should curse his name. Storms are all around us. Storms come...they calm...and they rage constantly. But who knows why those storms are raging. Only God does. I may have said things that I can't take back but I know in my heart that many of my problems are self inflicted. I make the choice I don't seek God and then i deal with the consequences of my actions. Not the smartest thing to do but i do know where to go for forgiveness. Deep down i don't want to forgive this person. I don't want to forgive either of them. I will stand up for them when people want to talk bad about them...but when it comes to me...I'm nothing to them. I'm the butt of the jokes, I'm the obsessive ex wife, I'm the one that loved to deeply or too much. I'm not crazy i promise you. But i do love someone and that love is not reciprocated. Only when it's convenient or they want something. So Today i feel like i let the devil win. I feel like this was part of his plan but he don't know who he's messing with. Many times in the bible it comes to the point where people are screwing up and falling short and God still loves them: Romans 3:22-24 says: Even the righteousness of God which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe: for there is no difference: For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus:

So you see. God doesn't have to call the qualified  He qualifies the called. I'm not worried anymore. i'm definitely not jealous. And I'm truly the bigger person because I'm surviving on my own...with God at my side. The Devil didn't create me therefore he can't have me. So for the anger and hate I feel or felt...I am trusting God that he has the power to show me who's God. And as this storm rages around me...there is peace within my soul. A peace that passeth all understanding. And no MAN/WOMAN can take that away. 

I'm a daughter of a might King. My enemies will fall. For that which was last shall be first. Don't worry. I may be the lowly hand maiden now...but I will see the Glory of my Father because there is no one that can take him out of my heart!

Trash Talking Girl

There's anger welled up inside of me
it sets my soul aflame
the words you think you deserve to say to me
should make you feel ashamed
I don't know what tomorrow brings
but i know i feel today
I know that you think that your the thing
that won't bring him pain
I don't put people on blast to much
but now i'm just filled with hate
i hope you know that this girl isn't
the one that you should bait.
There are times when i just want to
punch you in the face
to think that you are some one special
like your someone worth it to date
well let me tell you one thing
that when you are far away
who's bed do you think he's laying in?
who's heart is he setting aflame?
You think you know me but you dont
i'm a force to be reckoned with
and please sweet dont think this jealous game
is one that you will succeed at
So take your trashy commentary somewhere else
because this girl aint got no respect for a girl like you
who obviously full of SH*T.
I don't have anything else to do so please watch what you say
I've tried to be nice but now it's time
for me to step in the way
get off your high horse
and keep me off your lips.
I have far better things to do so this is the finale at its best
I'm the one that you should fear
cause I know all about you
it almost makes me shed a tear
for the lies that you don't know.
I'm thru wasting my time
on something that is nothing at all.
i hope one day your not so blind
and see that there aint nothing here
Get over yourself my darling
cause time is way to short
the replacing one love for another
will only end in court.
You can have him I don't want him
not after he's been with you
I've got bigger and better things to do
and they DON'T include either of you!

One and Only

As much as I don't normally like Adele...this one makes me believe in true love. I was talking with a friend of mine today and way back when I told him everything that his girl did wrong. Maybe because i had a secret crush on him...or maybe because i was jealous. But long story short...He and his girl are getting married next year. It took 7 years for it to come back around. Its so funny when fate steps in a deals a card to you that if you let it go twice your missing out on the blessing. I didn't used to believe in true love. Then i think about John 3:16 - For God SO LOVED the world that he gave his only begotten Son that we should not perish but have everlasting life.
That verse alone says that the created love the world and all that he created so much that he gave us one person that he loved more. I know what love is. And i believe that when it's in Gods time God will bring me someone to love again. It may not be who I want it to be but by the time it comes around again...I'll be ready to love to the fullest. I'll be ready to take the risk on someone and then and only then will i be able to find my one true love. I hope the plans play out the way i hope they do in the way that he has shown me...but if they don't. I'm gonna praise him anyway!



"One And Only"Adele

You've been on my mind
I grow fonder every day,
Lose myself in time
Just thinking of your face
God only knows
Why it's taken me so long
To let my doubts go
You're the only one that I want

I don't know why I'm scared, I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
Promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

If I've been on your mind
You hang on every word I say
Lose yourself in time at the mention of my name
Will I ever know how it feels to hold you close?
And have you tell me whichever road I choose you'll go

I don't know why I'm scared 'cause I've been here before
Every feeling, every word, I've imagined it all,
You'll never know if you never try
To forgive your past and simply be mine

I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts

I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
I Know it ain't easy, giving up your heart

(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart
(Nobody's perfect, trust me I've learned it)
I know it ain't easy, giving up your heart

So I dare you to let me be your, your one and only
I promise I'm worthy to hold in your arms
So come on and give me a chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts
Come on and give me a chance
To prove that I'm the one who can
Walk that mile until the end starts.

Whiskey Lullabye

For the last few days I've been grappling with what i need to do and what I want to do. There are so many times when I want to take to the bottle again just to get away for a little while of all the memories i have. I haven't been able to sleep and its like everytime i turn around when i'm around town i see his face or i see him or i see something that reminds me of something that has happened in our lives. This song just hits home for me because I know that when it all comes down to it no matter what the circumstances I'm gonna love him. No matter how hard i try to move on and smile and be happy with who I am and where i'm going theres still a big part of me where i know that i should have never let the devil win. 

Whiskey Lullabye
Brad Paisley and Allison Krauss

She put him out like the burnin' end of a midnight cigarette
She broke his heart, he spent his whole life tryin' to forget
We watched him drink his pain away a little at a time
But he never could get drunk enough to get her off his mind
Until the night

He put that bottle to his head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away her memory
Life is short, but this time it was bigger
Than the strength he had to get up off his knees
We found him with his face down in the pillow
With a note that said, 'I'll love her till I die.'
And when we buried him beneath the willow
The angels sang a whiskey lullaby

The rumors flew but nobody knew how much she blamed herself
For years and years she tried to hide the whiskey on her breath
She finally drank her pain away a little at a time
But she never could get drunk enough to get him off her mind
Until the night

She put that bottle to her head and pulled the trigger
And finally drank away his memory
Life is short, but this time it was bigger
Than the strength she had to get up off her knees
We found her with her face down in the pillow
Clinging to his picture for dear life
We laid her next to him beneath the willow
While the angels sang a whiskey lullaby

Miss you most ~ Song on the day

This song has been playing in my head for the last week. I know it's a Christmas song and i don't know how to handle that. usually i don't listen to Christmas music this early. since music is the way that I express whats on my heart we'll start with this one and most days i'll put up a new song to listen to or look up. 

To me this song is to anyone who spends holidays in love with someone who you can't be with. For me it's a daily reminder of why I am striving to be better in hopes that one day I can find love again or trust someone enough with my heart to love them. The words get me every time. 
Be blessed ya'll

Miss you most at Christmas Time- Mariah Carey
The fire is burning
The room's all aglow
Outside the December wind blows
Away in the distance
The carolers sing in the snow
Everybody's laughing
The world is celebrating
And everyone's so happy
Except for me tonight
Because...

I miss you
Most at Christmas time
And I can't get you
Get you off my mind
Every other season comes along
And I'm all right
But then I miss you
Most at Christmas time

I gaze out the window
This cold winters' night
At all of the twinkling lights
Alone in the darkness
Remembering when you were mine
Everybody's smiling
The whole world is rejoicing
And everyone's embracing
Except for you and I
Baby...

I miss you
Most at Christmas time
And I can't get you
Get you off my mind
Every other season comes along
And I'm all right
But then I miss you
Most at Christmas time

In the springtime
Those memories start to fade
With the April rain
Through the summer days
Till Autumn's leaves are gone
I get by without you
Till the snow begins to fall
And then...

I miss you
Most at Christmas time
And I can't get you
Get you off my mind
Every other season comes along
And I'm all right
But then I miss you
Most at Christmas time

A day to remember and a day to be thankful

I haven't decided if the memories are killing me or the blessings that God has bestowed upon me? LOL it's like trying to catch the wind in a bottle...it doesn't work. I am absolutely blessed to have friends that want to spend this day with me. I'm blessed to have family praying for me. I'm so blessed to have an apartmant and a roof over my head, a job, and Jesus Christ in my heart. So the remembering part is for the years gone by where i've spent it with people I love. And the Thankful is that I'm strong enough that I can move forward and still love them even though i don't get to see them. I'm just taking it all in stride and thanking God in the process because without God i surely wouldn't be here any more!

Happy Thanksgiving and God Bless!

Psalm 138:3

Psalm 138: 3-  In the day when I cried thou answeredst me, and strengthenedst me with strength in my soul.

Even though i spent the weekend with my friend Becca and her amazing family...it's still hard being home. I'm trying to get all the things done that need to be done before I go to work and I'm trying to turn around in my life to see things from a different point of view. I think about things and my whole body starts to shake and I just want to curl up into a ball and forget that it was a part of my life. everything now is strictly business. Love is an addiction. It's one that can change at the drop of a hat. It makes me glad to know that I'm alive but on the other had it also lets me know what real pain is. Truly I'd rather go get tattoos on the most painful parts of my body rather than to know that my heart is still broken. Yes, I'm making strides in healing but even with those strides i'm still burdened with the brokenness i feel deep within myself. It's a pain i wouldn't want anyone to go through and not something that i'd like to repeat. So as for my brokenness today here's what I wrote:

I drove by the house today
to catch a glimpse of what was.
I did want to stop and say hey
but i couldn't find the guts
I'm trying to move away from you
to get on with my life
but still i feel this constant pull
to want to still be your wife
We say things all the time that
we never mean to say
we push and pull at each others heart
we make sure the other pays
My life has been ripped apart
my hearts on the floor.
i couldn't imagine what you felt
when i walked out the door
I'm sorry our friends are picking sides
on who they should talk to
i never wanted them to make that choice
they shouldn't have had to
when alls said and done
saying i'm sorry isn't enough
it doesn't keep the pain at bay
even when we're tough
your moving on just wonderfully
and i'm stuck in the well
i feel like death has come swiftly
and this sorrows to deep to be felt
I'll avoid saying I love you
because they are just words
but driving past the house reminded me
the fails that have occured
I hope that you can trust me again
and know i died that day
i'll love you til death do us part
cause no one will take your place.
the tears streak down my face now
i'm on my way home
I'm sorry that i let you down
but at this point...
your gone.

Dreams Dreams...all about loving you!

Dreams Dreams 9/9/2007

the smell of you dwells on my pillow
I breathe in the smell and sigh silently to myself
Dreams dreams they come and go but reality stays a dream when the heart is pure.
Quietly I wait for that velvet touch of you to run down my arm
slowly followed by a kiss on the nape of my neck
chills ripple down my spine as goosebumps dance across my skin.
I close my eyes lavishing the moment that we are sharing.
Not one word is spoken
not a sound is made,
not a sound is muttered
In the gentle whisper you can hear our hearts being in sync
That's the only noise made is our beating hearts
abruptly the moment is gone
when the air conditioner kicks on
Still though, your smell lingers on the pillow
This is reality
this is your dream
Thank the Lord that sleep is the only way to enhance this moment
dreams dreams they come and go but reality stays a dream when the heart is pure.
I'm falling in love with the dream we've created
and only time will tell if God is in this
I spend my time wondering what your thinking
Why you love?
Why you take time to be with me
and I realize that..
I'm falling and i'm in love
with the dream of you and me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I found this poem the other day when I was going thru stuff before i took off for New York. I didn't realize when it was written or how deep it really was. It just gives me hope that some day i will be able to overcome this heartache i feel and i'll be able to be captured by someone elses heart. I'm not saying it's something that I'm looking for because i don't know if right now would be the time to sweep me off my feet...however it gives me hope that maybe just maybe i'll be able to be strong enough on my own to let someone into my heart. I don't want to say that I'm going to be picky...but i'm going to have to be. I want to be able to give 100% of my heart to someone. It may take another year...it may take 5 years. it could be something that I wait for for the rest of my life. Either way; I know that I gave my heart away 100% to someone and I never got it back. It's been a year and a half since things hit the fan and it's been just over 6 months since my divorce was finalized. Hope is not something that I wanted to have. But there is inspiration all around. It breathes and it moves and it changes. Love is something that can't be described. It's a feeling and an action it's an adjective ...it's a nonstop evolving thing. And really it's not even a thing. love is best shown in action by doing what you want to do. I know what love isn't. I know how to show that I don't love people. But I also know that my heart is broken enough and shattered enough to know that the broken pieces are something beautiful. And that by the grace of God and if I can change the way I think I can feel something again. It's not about doing better. It's not about what they bring to the table. I'd rather be poor and in love than to have all the money in the world and be in lust. I know that I can count on one had how many men I've loved. loved so deeply that they have helped mend and fix my broken pieces. Although anymore i feel bad if i make comparisons to people.No one deserves to be compared to anyone. Period. It's not fair to them. I've learned that love is letting go...love isn't being a booty call when they have a gf...love isn't texting everyday because you miss them...love is taking your own shattered heart and sometimes we muddle through...but love is being happy for them. Love is lifting them up in prayer. Love is still being there whenever they need you even though there may not be any hope for reconciliation. Love is growing on your own and finding your way into your own heart so you can start healing yourself.  I'm sure that most of you are thinking that this is putting someone one blast. It's not. It's coming to the realization that nobody is perfect. and the moment that you try to change them you lose sight of what you liked/loved about them in the first place. I personally don't want to be perfect because i'm a hot mess. :) I like being me. I like being the crazy obnoxious city girl who fell in love with the country. I like taking the time to smell the wild flowers and playing in the mud. I like being able to out spit any man i know. (and out burp) I like being who God created me to be. I don't want to blame anyone for the mistakes of my past because in reality i made a choice. And those choices have shaped me into the woman that I have become. And if someone wants to tell me that I'm wrong well I've made peace with God about it. I'm over the problems. If you have a problem maybe you need to look inside your own heart to realize that we all have flaws. We all have short comings. and when we tale the time to open our eyes to our own mistakes and stop making excuses to why someone did something...we'd all be happier with who we are.I know, because when I stopped blaming my ex-husband for the actions i took;it opened my eyes to the good things about him. And inadvertently made me fall in love with him all over again. But it was different. It was true love that i feel in my heart. It was the mushy stuff but it was so much more. So if there are problems in a relationship ..look at yourself first. Before you jump off the barge. Look in the mirror and look and your own shortcomings and if you don't like what you see...you have the power to change it. I believe Ghandi said it best "You have to be the CHANGE you want SEE in the WORLD!"

Lets get lost

How about you and me
take a road that we aint seen
go driving down a road
that leads to no where
What about a long hike
off trail in the dusk of night
lets cuddle under the moonlight
to keep each other warm

Lets get lost
lose our way
find our selves
clinging to faith
that once we do
we can find
a new way to get around
lets get lost

How bout you and me
get in a plan to Tennessee
go round the smokey's
and look for them bears
what about  boat ride
cross the see to a vacant island
lets go explore our way
toward the highest point

I wanna take this time to say
i wouldn't have it any other way
I'm trying to build your trust in me
so we can grow to be more than we are



Lets get lost
lose our way
find our selves
clinging to faith
that once we do
we can find
a new way to get around
lets get lost

Psalm 130

Psalm 130:1-8 NIV

Out of the depths I cry to you, Lord; Lord, hear my voice.
Let your ears be attentive
to my cry for mercy. If you, Lord, kept a record of sins,
Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness,
so that we can, with reverence, serve you. I wait for the Lord, my whole being waits,
and in his word I put my hope. I wait for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning,
more than watchmen wait for the morning. Israel, put your hope in the Lord,
for with the Lord is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption. He himself will redeem Israel
from all their sins.

I decided to start with Psalm 130. Its so amazing the love God has for us. This morning the blue skies glistened outside. Yes, it was still chilly but drinking in the morning is intoxicating. We all fall short. Its inevitable. We all have our moments when we get nasty and jump down peoples throats and treat people like crap. I surely know ive had those moments. Over the last 48 hours my life has been in a whirlwind. So many things need to get done. So many things need packed. I cant keep up with everything. I used to get stressed out about these things but not anymore. Today is what you make of it. And i am staying prayed up and blessed! Psalm 130 talks about how we are not worthy of Gods mercy and his grace. Like the fig tree that bears no fruit. It is cut down and cast into the fire. WOAH. We are like that fig tree. We deserve to be cut down and cast into the fire but God wont put us there. He loves us so much that he patiently waits for us to come to him. That is so amazing. We deserve death but in him he gives us new life.
So today i challenge you: pray! Prayer is the key to turning our lives around. Ask God into your heart. Seek his face. Knock kindly on the door and see what God has planned for you!
Blessings to all :)

United States Army National Guard

It's funny how some things just come back around when you least expect it. A lot of you know that I wanted to go into the Peace Corps after high school. That I also wanted to become a famous singer. Lol The singing part I kind of persued but never really wanted to become like the world and sing about sex and things like that. I found churches that i could sing in when I moved to West Virginia and I have been so blessed by the people and the ability to be able to bless them. Since my divorce in May, I've had a lot of time to think. I didn't know what I wanted and I knew who i wanted to be with but that option has slipped away and Thankfully God has healed a great portion of my heart and I've made peace with the situation. I don't want to be someones second choice. I don't want to be someones booty call. I don't want to be someones everything and nothing. Within the last month, there have been so many firsts for me. it's a first time that I've been able to smile from my heart. It's been the first time that I realize that no matter who I love, I can't make them love me enough to want to be with me or to correct the problems. I also learned that words are vain. they only have power when you give them power. I love you's heard over a phone mean nothing if you don't show the person you love them. It's like Works without faith is dead. We have to put feet to our faith. So After highlighting my hair...I was thinking about the bigger purpose of my life. I love people. I love helping people and I love America. There are things about it i don't like but it's still my home and what better gift to give than to protect what I love? So I started the application to join the National Guard. And with that I'll be able to travel and I'll be able to help people. And i'll be able to bless people in the way that I couldn't bless my ex husband. My life has always been about helping and loving others more than myself. I may not have any living children but God's not done with me yet. He is granting me favor and the will power to do what i need to do to survive in this world. He's given me endurance and patience and perserverence. I am surviving without my ex husband. I am struggling but I am climbing my way out of a deep dark place that I have been for such a long time that now when I look up i can see the sunlight. i can see the hope in tomorrow. I can be more that what I was and I'm willing to give everything I can to protect this country as well as find a way to be more respectful, loving, kindhearted and strong willed. So once everything gets processed through...My life though a big change is happening...I am doing this for me. I am making these strides for me. I am Jeanette Southern. I will make my momma proud. And I will represent my home town of Detroit, Mi as well as my home in West Virginia to the best of my ability. There's nothing thats stopping me now. I will be a United States Army National Guard!

try it on my own

This song has kind of been an anthem for me. it talks about me just being me. taking a stand and being who i want to be. my consequences and decisions are my own. I'm not going to back down from writing whats on my hear or how i feel. If it involves someone that i cared about or a situation of my life...it's how i'm dealing with it. read the lyrics. I'm not afraid anymore. I'll do it on my own.

I'm wiser now 
Im not the foolish girl you used to know 
So long ago 
I'm stronger now 
I've learned from my mistakes which way to go 
And I should know 
I put myself aside to do it in your way 
But now i need to do it all alone
And I am not afraid to try it on my own 
I don't care if I'm right or wrong 
I'll live my life the way I feel no matter what I'll keep it real 
You know 
Time for me to do it on my own
It's over now 
I can't go back to living through your eyes 
To many lies 
And if you don't know by now 
I can't go back to being someone else 
Not anymore 
I never had the chance to do things my way 
So now it's time for me to take control 
And I am not afraid to try it on my own 
I don't care if I'm right or wrong 
I'll live my life the way I feel no matter what I'm gonna keep it real 
You know 
Time for me to do it on my own
Oh, I start again go back to one 
I'm running things in my way 
Cant stop me now I've just begun 
Don't even think about 
It there aint no way about it 
I'm taking names go down the line 
Yes I'm gonna take my turn 
It's time for me to 
Finally stand alone 
Stand alone
I am not afraid to try it on my own 
I don't care if im right or wrong 
I'll live my life the way i feel no matter what I'm gonna keep it real 
You know 
It's time for me to do it 
See I am not afraid to try it on my own
I don't care if im right or wrong 
I'll live my life the way i feel no matter what I'm gonna keep it real 
You know 
It's time for me to do it on my own