My previous post I took down but i re-posted because it's whats on my heart. its how i feel. I'm not saying that i should have written it and the language in it is inexcusable. However, This is not about walking on pins and needles anymore. this is about what I'm feeling and how i'm going through things. I won't apologize for that. I won't stand back and let the world just trash me. I've been working to hard to keep my head up and keep from being the one that everyone thinks is weak. Should I have said nothing probably. But i did. The taming of the tongue is an ongoing process for me. I haven't written anything out of hate and anger mostly out of hurt and frustration and feeling used. To me it's a part of life. It's a part of growing up...and the minute that we realize that we are constantly growing or think we know it all is the day that we are truly dead.
After i wrote the poem Trash Talking Girl; I went to the gym. I had to get out of my home where i should have peace and I had to just shake off the anger. Then i started thinking about all the people in the bible. The one that comes to mind the most is Job. He was an upstanding man who loved God who feared God and who everything taken away from him. He was afflicted with boils and sick...and he still praised God; even when the people that were his "friends" told him he must have done something to anger God and that he should curse his name. Storms are all around us. Storms come...they calm...and they rage constantly. But who knows why those storms are raging. Only God does. I may have said things that I can't take back but I know in my heart that many of my problems are self inflicted. I make the choice I don't seek God and then i deal with the consequences of my actions. Not the smartest thing to do but i do know where to go for forgiveness. Deep down i don't want to forgive this person. I don't want to forgive either of them. I will stand up for them when people want to talk bad about them...but when it comes to me...I'm nothing to them. I'm the butt of the jokes, I'm the obsessive ex wife, I'm the one that loved to deeply or too much. I'm not crazy i promise you. But i do love someone and that love is not reciprocated. Only when it's convenient or they want something. So Today i feel like i let the devil win. I feel like this was part of his plan but he don't know who he's messing with. Many times in the bible it comes to the point where people are screwing up and falling short and God still loves them: Romans 3:22-24 says: Even the righteousness of God which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe: for there is no difference: For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;
After i wrote the poem Trash Talking Girl; I went to the gym. I had to get out of my home where i should have peace and I had to just shake off the anger. Then i started thinking about all the people in the bible. The one that comes to mind the most is Job. He was an upstanding man who loved God who feared God and who everything taken away from him. He was afflicted with boils and sick...and he still praised God; even when the people that were his "friends" told him he must have done something to anger God and that he should curse his name. Storms are all around us. Storms come...they calm...and they rage constantly. But who knows why those storms are raging. Only God does. I may have said things that I can't take back but I know in my heart that many of my problems are self inflicted. I make the choice I don't seek God and then i deal with the consequences of my actions. Not the smartest thing to do but i do know where to go for forgiveness. Deep down i don't want to forgive this person. I don't want to forgive either of them. I will stand up for them when people want to talk bad about them...but when it comes to me...I'm nothing to them. I'm the butt of the jokes, I'm the obsessive ex wife, I'm the one that loved to deeply or too much. I'm not crazy i promise you. But i do love someone and that love is not reciprocated. Only when it's convenient or they want something. So Today i feel like i let the devil win. I feel like this was part of his plan but he don't know who he's messing with. Many times in the bible it comes to the point where people are screwing up and falling short and God still loves them: Romans 3:22-24 says: Even the righteousness of God which is by faith of Jesus Christ unto all and upon all them that believe: for there is no difference: For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;
Being justified freely by his grace through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus:
So you see. God doesn't have to call the qualified He qualifies the called. I'm not worried anymore. i'm definitely not jealous. And I'm truly the bigger person because I'm surviving on my own...with God at my side. The Devil didn't create me therefore he can't have me. So for the anger and hate I feel or felt...I am trusting God that he has the power to show me who's God. And as this storm rages around me...there is peace within my soul. A peace that passeth all understanding. And no MAN/WOMAN can take that away.
I'm a daughter of a might King. My enemies will fall. For that which was last shall be first. Don't worry. I may be the lowly hand maiden now...but I will see the Glory of my Father because there is no one that can take him out of my heart!
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