I couldn't figure out why my heart has been feeling so empty...was it how i looked? Was it the choices I've made? Was my unbridled fear of being alone? The questions keep coming and in time it just gets to be too much. I wanted that once in a lifetime kind of love- with a once a upon a time kind of man...ya know, the ones that sweep you off your feet; do little things just to say they love you; ones that will dance around the kitchen while you're trying to do the dishes just to be silly....the ones that hold you everytime you cry. Yeah, I'll admit I wanted a fairy tale kind of man... and here i sit: I'm a single mom; divorced; living with family and who just barely has her head above water. When i joined the Army, it was an eye opening experience. Yes, there was bunches and bunches of drama leading up to my leaving for basic and equally as much if not more once i came home 5.5 months later. And then I had my son--who brightened my world in a way that I haven't seen in a long long time. it was a first love all over again. When people say you realize you can love someone you just met so much...it's true. My bright-eyed baby boy keeps me going.
And on the flip side it's also made me not care about me. I was stuck in a rut that I just couldn't get out of. It was like time was escaping me and I was watching life pass me by, and when i'd blink i'd have no recollection of who; what; where; when or why. It was a miracle that my depression never got the better of me. That I prayed that i could see life as a gift. it's a matter of chasing dreams. Dreams that I had wrapped up in someone I loved that I couldn't even think about pursuing because I was afraid. And now it's time for me....to be me. It's time for Netty to take back her spunkiness and just love the life i live. I ask myself: how can you teach/tell your son to pursue his dreams ( when he's older) if you aren't chasing your own dreams? Then the question is: Why did you quit singing? And it's still to this day a question that i can not answer. I've made a lot of bad choices in my years of being on my own. Thankfully, I'm bless with a sister who keeps me in check. And for that I am thankful! Some doors are meant to be shut...and when the right door is meant to be opened/the right time for the door to be opened...it will be opened. As for right now, I'm gonna keep being the beautiful mess that I am. It's about me and my little family. I will live and die for them. My son is my world; and I want to spend everyday that i can showing him how to keep faith in himself.
--Faith is the Daring of the SOUL to go FARTHER than it can see....
