Fighting thru depression

There's a calmness in silence. There's this neverending ache that fills the void and quiets our hearts. Maybe it's an empty room; a walk down the street; a babbling brook...the possibilities are endless. I haven't quite mastered the art of concealment. I find that everyday there is one more thing added to my already overflowing plate and I'm personally not sure how much more I can take.


      The verse of the day is : Ephesians 3:20-21 it says:   Now unto him that is able to do exceeding and abundantly above all that we sk or think, according to the power the worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen

I have been fighting the demons of jealousy; abandonment; hate; unworthiness; unrest; unloved and guilty. My depression has been at an all time high and i still manage to keep a smile and take care of my son the best that I can yet, when he's asleep and the whole house is sleeping thats when the tears start to fall. I'm in a home where i'm loved and taken care of and still i feel on the outside...which don't get it twisted is not my family's fault. It's mine. It's the constant prescence that i'm not good enough looming over my head and i know that I'm doing the best that i can do. there are times when I look at my failed marriage and think...were things really that bad? Did i really love him? Am I always going to feel this way about anyone that i take those steps with? And once those thoughts set in it becomes this never ending barriage of how i can be better but if I become better than i shouldn't trust someone...not even God because why would he allow things to be so difficult and why this season that you're in be so long...

I don't talk about my struggles with my depression because i don't want to believe that i have it. I don't want to say that i've been altered or i'm broken. Most days i don't want to get out of bed. I sit and wonder why my sons father doesn't want to be in his life...and the cycle starts all over again. There is such a thing as true love...it's found in Jesus Christ. I know this. I've felt it. But sometimes it's so hard when everything around you is so dark and dank to find the motivation to look up.

Please don't take this the wrong way...i'm not crying out for help...i'm acknowledging the fact that I am blessed to have people in my life willing to pick me up when i can't find my way. I don't talk about church or God much anymore...but i do know that without the blessings of the believers and prayer warriors around me. When i'm having a bad day there are people constantly lifting me up; i have the love a child who melts my aching heart; there's the reassurance that God is always with me and even when i don't deserve it he is constantly standing by my side.

Galatians 5:22-23New International Version (NIV)
²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

So let me encourage you...Depression is real. it's a real problem that not many people talk about. I used to go to alcohol and there are still moments that I struggle not to. But i'm constantly a work in progress. Some people will tell you: "you're fine. you'll get over it. It's just a phase. You're just seeking attention. They were never good for you in the first place, I don't know why you can't just cut your losses and walk away...." The list goes on and on... I've heard them all. I've lost friends that were supposed to be my best friends. I've walked away from the man that I love because i didn't trust him. And this may sound like i'm a horrible mother but there have even been times when I want to walk away from my son and let someone else give him a better life. You are not alone. Things may not always be the way that you'd like them to be but know that there is a light in the darkness. There is hope in love and God with stick closer to you than a brother. 

I've learned the only way to get out of the depression is:

1. talk about it. It's easier to cry on someones shoulder and let out your frustrtations than to hide away and let the wounds fester.

 

2. Seek help. I was always told if you need help ask for it. simple enough? not really. We feel that if we are asking for help than we are weak. But it's the opposite...if we are seeking help then we are admitting that we have a problem....all we need now is a solution.

 

3. Don't be afraid to let someone in. My own heart is still broken. But THANK GOD there are people willing to pick up one piece at a time to help me deal with things. A loving heart is a healing heart.

 

4. Talk to God. If none of the ones above work for you...talk to God. He already knows whats going on and he's already with you. The Holy  Spirit is calming and is willing to wrap you up in such a way that no one can replace this. God is omnipresent. He'll walk through the darkness with you and carry you when you can't find your way.

 

5. Love Yourself. before we can love other people....we have to love ourselves. The healing starts inside.... love you. you are a beautiful person. don't ever forget that!

 

 

In close, don't be afraid. I almost made a temporary problem a permanent solution. but Thank you Jesus that i've found so much more to live for.

 

be blessed!

 

A twist of the truth-

We all have demons- some are harder to fight than others. We all have weaknesses especially when it comes to people that we supposedly "care" about. I've been fighting this battle between my heart; my soul and my brain about one person and i'm sure everyone knows who that is. So why if you "care" about someone would you blatantly lie to their face instead of just saying hey i'm not interested any more. Not only that why would you let them be around you when your talking trash behind their back....yep doesn't make sense to me. There's no point to lying to someone to get your way. As it was put to me stop using "our child" as a bullying tactic. The funny thing is- he isn't leverage. He's a human being in baby form at the moment. He was created in love and he's a miracle nontheless. When I look at my son i see childhood filled with love and heartbreak. not because his momma is around but because his father isn't. But thank God that he has brought a role model into his life that loves him very much. His father loved him once too...I believe in my heart he still does. But since i'm his mom...My little man may never see his father again. Just note: when you want to lie to someone make sure they don't know people that knew you before the time that there was craziness. Plus lying does nothing but makes you look like an idiot....

So here's what i've learned:

1. Love yourself
There's no harder task in this world than to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and believe that you are destined to be somebody. Don't lose faith in that. You will always be somebody to someone who's willing to go the extra mile with you.

2. Don't let any man or woman dictate who you have to be
Who cares if your a little bit of an over achiever or that you snort when you laugh or sometimes that you like to just sit by yourself and keep to yourself...you are the way you are for a reason and if someone loved you enough they wouldn't try to change you to be someone who they want you to be.

3. Don't ever settle
Yea, he's good looking and he's funny but he does this thing when he chews that makes you want to punch him in the face...lol. Maybe an extreme example but don't settle. God is looking out for your best interest. It's ok to have standards of what you'd like in a man. Just means that you are striving for someone that is what you truly want. Just be careful with that list...if the list is too obnoxious you'll spend your whole life searching for the perfect someone and news flash- aint no body in this world perfect.

4. Don't give up
Things are going to be hard especially if you're going thru a heartbreak. But just hold fast because in due time it will all get better. you'll find the person you've always dreamed of...now he may not be the exact perfect prince out of fairy tale but close enough. It's always darkest before the dawn. Don't ever lose faith in finding love..because one day you will and it'll sweep you off your feet so quick you won't know what to do.

Faith is the daring of the soul to go farther than it can see...

I couldn't figure out why my heart has been feeling so empty...was it how i looked? Was it the choices I've made? Was my unbridled fear of being alone? The questions keep coming and in time it just gets to be too much. I wanted that once in a lifetime kind of love- with a once a upon a time kind of man...ya know, the ones that sweep you off your feet; do little things just to say they love you; ones that will dance around the kitchen while you're trying to do the dishes just to be silly....the ones that hold you everytime you cry. Yeah, I'll admit I wanted a fairy tale kind of man... and here i sit: I'm a single mom; divorced; living with family and who just barely has her head above water.  When i joined the Army, it was an eye opening experience. Yes, there was bunches and bunches of drama leading up to my leaving for basic and equally as much if not more once i came home 5.5 months later.  And then I had my son--who brightened my world in a way that I haven't seen in a long long time. it was a first love all over again. When people say you realize you can love someone you just met so much...it's true. My bright-eyed baby boy keeps me going.

       And on the flip side it's also made me not care about me. I was stuck in a rut that I just couldn't get out of. It was like time was escaping me and I was watching life pass me by, and when i'd blink i'd have no recollection of who; what; where; when or why.   It was a miracle that my depression never got the better of me. That I prayed that i could see life as a gift. it's a matter of chasing dreams. Dreams that I had wrapped up in someone I loved that I couldn't even think about pursuing because I was afraid. And now it's time for me....to be me. It's time for Netty to take back her spunkiness and just love the life i live. I ask myself: how can you teach/tell your son to pursue his dreams ( when he's older) if you aren't chasing your own dreams? Then the question is: Why did you quit singing? And it's still to this day a question that i can not answer. I've made a lot of bad choices in my years of being on my own. Thankfully, I'm bless with a sister who keeps me in check. And for that I am thankful! Some doors are meant to be shut...and when the right door is meant to be opened/the right time for the door to be opened...it will be opened. As for right now, I'm gonna keep being the beautiful mess that I am. It's about me and my little family. I will live and die for them. My son is my world; and I want to spend everyday that i can showing him how to keep faith in himself.

 

--Faith is the Daring of the SOUL to go FARTHER than it can see....

 

some new poems

Here are some poems I haven't taken the time to post...just too much going on
People are gonna talk/stalk and make my life a mockery.  My depression is real and I hate it. But writing gives me a chance to clear my head; to open my heart and just once break down my walls. I want people to see that just because I put on my brave face everyday doesn't mean I'm not hurting. Sometimes we all need someone to be strong for us.  We need that someone who will just cry with you. So please don't mock my pain for weakness because I'm taking it all in stride and keeping face for the sake of my son.

One more time 7/18/14

 I need
One last smile
One last kiss
One more night with my head on your chest
One more time to be in your arms
I need you to pretend you're mine...just one more time
You saw thru the walls I thought I had carefully built.
You knew my heart before you knew me
You saw the dreams before I spoke them to you
Somehow thru my pain you saw me
 I need
One last smile
One last kiss
One more night with my head on your chest
One more time to be in your arms
I need you to pretend you're mine...just one more time
As the years went on we fell apart
I took the easy way and I shattered your heart
You checked out when the truth came out...and we've been distant and sorry from the very start
I need
One last smile
One last kiss
One more night with my head on your chest
One more time to be in your arms
I need you to pretend you're mine...just one more time
 Just one more time I wanna pretend we are real.
One more touch to know my feelings for you are gone
Give me one more shot to prove I'm the one.....but who am I kidding.... I'm not the one
I need
One last smile
One last kiss
One more night with my head on your chest
One more time to be in your arms
I need you to pretend you're mine...just one more time

What is Love? 6/12/14

I didnt know what true love was
Til the day that I looked into your eyes
You captivated me with a gaze that searched my soul
Then suddenly the world changed around me
And I felt like I was ten feet off the ground

What is love?
Its the neverending hope that keeps you holding out for the good
What is love?
Its the breathlessness you feel when those arms you get wrapped up and that you dont want to let go
Cause you feel inside your heart that your soul will fall apart if you cant keep them close to you....
What is love?

One little kiss....set my heart ablaze in A handful of joy that cant be express
You had faith in me....to do what I couldnt see
By the means of a dream you completed me

What is love?
An excuse to sleep all day cuddled up keeping each other warm
What is love? A vow thats deeply made to promise to never let you go
Cause you feel inside your heart that your soul will fall apart if you cant keep them close to you....
What is love?
Its the same today as it was yesterday it just grows more...and more....

What is love?
Its the painful goodbye
When the tears that you've cried stain your cheeks
What is love?
Its the beginning and the end of a life that began with a smile
And you know now what love is....it keeps you hanging on...
What is love?
The memories made of the hurt and the pain that cleave you together...
I know now....that's what love is.

To the one that I love....one last letter to you

My love,

the questions keep piling up on why we should hold on.
What is there to hold onto....why is everything so messed up and wrong?
I never wanted to leave your side.
but you got too close.
too close to the secrets i've kept
to close for me to let you know.
With every ounce of my being theres residual hate for myself
a hate that is the remnants of past mistakes that I can't change
I want to make excuses up; lying is easy.
But deep down i know the truth and i'm sorry that I hurt you.
there's no greater fear in life then the fear of being alone
and yes there is my son to consider...but what happens when he's grown?
He'll always be my son. But he will not always be by my side.
I cant think straight for all the things i want to tell you. The thunder is rumbling the windows and i'm distracted by the calmness the oncoming storm brings me.
Remember when i was afraid of the thunder? That was so long ago!
The times that we would sit on the porch and just listen to the rain on the tin roof
Or the times that I'd wake up from a nightmare and you'd just pull me into your arms and tell me i'm safe?
Those were the times. the times that i'll never forget.
Now I get to hold my little miracle in my arms in the storms.
But now...i am searching for the little piece of me that is still alive without you.
How do I accept myself; being me without you? We were a force to be reckoned with....and i let it just fall apart on fear.
i want to say that somewhere in my heart that i don't love you...and maybe it's more apparent than I like to believe. I want to believe that I can bounce back and start a life with someone new. That I can love  them just as much if not more that what i ever felt for you....but its not working.
Everytime I turn around theres something that reminds me of you. When i'm far away all i think about is you. When i go to bed and when i wake up you are the first thought in my head.
And after all this time i'm still praying that i'll wake up next to you. You've always been my man. even when you weren't. In my head you were still mine.

But now it's time. It's time to part ways. we were once travelling in the same direction and now we're going in two different directions. Goodbyes are never easy. And so I won't say goodbye. But i'm not willing to wait any longer for the rain in the desert. I can only leave you with this. 
So Long...Good Luck....I love you forever and always.

Living thru him 4/14/14

While the sun rises around me...
the cool drifts away.
the fog starts to get lifted
the tears dissipate
I couldn't have asked for a better
way to wake up today
than to know that my God and Savior
has granted me another day

I've been through all the heartache
the pain and all the strife
i've been thru the fiery furnace
i've lost my way thru the night
yet still to this day
there's one who's always there
and I am not so worthy
of all that he has given

Today is a new day
the sun may not shine
but still we are breathing
and still granted more time
take things more seriously
we only get one chance to live
living life to the fullest is great
but living life is greater
when we live it thru Him

I may not be perfect
my sins are different than yours
i still put my pants on one leg at a time
i still drool and i snore
But i know the one who came before me
is still making a way
for me to see the sunshine
thru all my darkened days

Today is a new day
the sun may not shine
but still we are breathing
and still granted more time
take things more seriously
we only get one chance to live
living life to the fullest is great
but living life is greater
when we live it thru Him


 

Things changed and a look in my heart

In hopes of waiting til my little minion makes his grand appearance, there has still been tons of things going on. Besides unnecessary drama, I'm trying to cope with being a single mother.  One that every corner I turn seems to just slap me in the face with another reason why I could consider adoption.  Don't misunderstand me I love my son. But right now I'm grappling with being a burden to those that have blessed me and that have brought me thru some difficult times. I believe they deserve more than to have to take on myself and my son.  I wrote this poem called: things change. Its the last one I'm gonna write about loving and losing.  I feel like that's all I've had when ive put myself in those positions to lose everything.  In the end, I'm the one to blame. Bit thank goodness for having a savior who loves me so much that he wants to heal and mend my brokenness. So this is for the one I love! I'm so sorry for breaking your heart and your trust.  I pray youll forgive me.

I walked out the door
As the tears streamed down my face
I didnt think goodbye would come so fast
Just moments ago I was wipin your tears
Holding you close telling you ill always be near

Things changed on that rainy day
When the street lights glistened on the pavement
I stood on the sidewalk
Beggin you not to do it
The time came when we said goodbye while the the tears streamed down my face
I was just an image in the rear view growing smaller as you drove away...

We have our fights most everyone does
We've been so good then we come undone
A single kiss I placed on your lips
As the baby kicked inside of me
who knew walking away would cause me so much pain

Things changed on that rainy day
When the street lights glistened on the pavement
I stood on the sidewalk
Beggin you not to do it
The time came when we said goodbye while the the tears streamed down my face
I was just an image in the rear view growing smaller as you drove away...

Tough love is what you wanted to give me to help me learn how to love.
In the end it only caused us to look for love in all the wrong places
There's a baby on the way now and I dont know of he is yours... all I know is today marked the day I finally walked away....

Things changed on that rainy day
When the street lights glistened on the pavement
I stood on the sidewalk
Beggin you not to do it
The time came when we said goodbye while the the tears streamed down my face
I was just an image in the rear view growing smaller as you drove away...

No matter where I am... I'm still waiting for you...but only time will tell me this one thing : things change

give me the stars

Years have past
I thought I'd be okay
Making your life miserable
it'd make the hurt go away
but still to this day
i'm lost without a clue
of how i'm suppose to go on living
this life without you
the stars have changed positions
the colors seem to fade
I sit here restless
needing something to say
all I want right now
is to see you face to face
to see the world thru your eyes
to hopefully find some truth
I wanted to see the world with you
and now things have changed
all I want is to see the stars one more time
with you...hand and hand
I thought that thru the years
that revenge would ease the pain
instead i'm just more empty
more distressed; more dead
although a child grows deep inside my womb
i'm still feel like something is missing
that person/thing is you
the stars have changed positions
the colors seem to fade
I sit here restless
needing something to say
all I want right now
is to see you face to face
to see the world thru your eyes
to hopefully find some truth
I wanted to see the world with you
and now things have changed
all I want is to see the stars one more time
with you...hand and hand
please understand i'm sorry
for the pain that I brought on you
I was naïve and wreckless
I wanted you to feel the pain I felt
no gimmicks anymore
no hate no forgive me's
just know that i'm sorry
i'm still learning how to live....
the stars have changed positions
the colors seem to fade
I sit here restless
needing something to say
all I want right now
is to see you face to face
to see the world thru your eyes
to hopefully find some truth
I wanted to see the world with you
and now things have changed
all I want is to see the stars one more time
with you...hand and hand
just give me the stars...
just one more time!

 

one last thing

There have been so many times within the last 3 years where i've stood up and i've taken the blame for things that I didn't do. There have been so many times where i let my name go due to slander because maybe i didn't do all the right things. But i'll be damned if anyone calls me a slut now! I don't stand behind anyone. I don't rely on God because I know that I"m not worthy of his grace and yet he's blessed me. Sitting here and being told that i'm a liar and that my in laws know about everything thats happened and that my ex husband hates me. That people warn me when him and his "girlfriend" are around because they think that i should stand in the shadows and cower. I don't think so. I'm one person i'm not gonna stop being me and run away because thats what people want me to do. I'm an not a push over. I have a boyfriend who loves me. Why in the world am I gonna go sleeping around? I don't have to explain my life to anyone. NO ONE KNOWS WHO I AM AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?

   As for my ex husband...hopefully youll figure out the truth and you'll get your head out of your butt. You can do whatever you want and tell whatever lies you want to tell go ahead and keep telling them. I'm stronger than you think i am and i'll continue to survive with my son with out you!

One last thing

that girl that you love so much...go after her....you guys are perfect for each other.

The game

 I may wonder how you're doing
And I'd like to see your face
I want to kiss your lips
And watch the stress melt away
But today I finally realized
I'm just a pawn in your game
You're the king calling the shots
I'm the distressed Dame
You wanted every part of me
To lock me away 
And part of me was okay with that
I chose to stay. 
I gave you my everything
When you just fed me lies
I didn't see it then
But now I see your disguise. 
You faked all your emotions
To make things go your way
You told me that you loved me
Cause it's what I wanted you to say. 
Yet you had someone you "needed" 
And she was your queen
I was just your part time girl
The one you'd see only at night
It's hard for me to hate you
Because right now I just hate me
For being so naive to your game
For being blind and unable to see
I loved you with my whole being
Every ounce of me
And in return I'm paying the price for being dumb. 
I'm better than a pawn 
In your rigged game of chess
I'm stronger than your queen.
I'll survive and progress
Don't you think that because I care 
Means I'll be there tomorrow
I'm blowing this game out the water. 
You lose.  Because I'm finished

steal my breath

Push me up against the wall
Kiss Me nice and soft
Create the perfect moment
To make me lose my breath

Hold me closely in your arms
Don't ever let me go
Remind me that's things are good
And I'm the one person you wish you could...

Could give your heart completely too
To love all your life
To cuddle when it's stormy
To hold tight at night
But for now all I'm lucky to get
Is the stolen kisses on my lips
That still steal my breath

Walk with me hand n hand
Kiss my forehead please
Look at me gazingly like I'm the only woman you see

Take me out to see the world
Like no one's ever seen it
Love like you won't let go
Say it only if you mean it

Hold me closely in your arms
Don't ever let me go
Remind me that's things are good
And I'm the one person you wish you could...

Could give your heart completely too
To love all your life
To cuddle when it's stormy
To hold tight at night
But for now all I'm lucky to get
Is the stolen kisses on my lips
That still steal my breath

Where is the reason why?

Where is the sunshine inside my heart?
Why is it now I'm falling apart?
I walk around and act like toy don't exist
Yet deep in my heart the ache persists.
I was your wife friend your cherished one
The one who brought u joy when no one could.
On those rainy days we'd hold each other close
On those cold nights you stayed by my side.
I'm not perfect but I was perfect for you
And now I don't exist I'm just a burden a woman you used to know.
And though in my heart the hurt is going away.
You cheated on me too and why didn't u stay?
She stays when you lied and she treated you like shit.
I walked away cause you didn't push for me to stay
We could have fixed it. If you weren't afraid to try.
And now all I can do is ask myself a sad and lonely why!

God gave me you

God gave me you
1/5/14

A flutter in my belly was all that I could feel
The day I saw you move made me believe that you were real.
You woke me up constantly for those 3 am snacks
Which was ok with me cause I found the best friend I never had.
My belly grew bigger and my fears grew less
You were growing just fine and I counted myself blessed
But when the moment changed when your life was in the line
The pain of loss consumed me I waited for the worse
But there's this strength within me that's not ready for birth.
Now you are still growing and I'm trying to stand tall
With every kick,  punch and flip flop you remind me why I have to stand strong.
I'm not gonna be the perfect mother and you won't be the prefect son.
But I'm willing to fight for your life now in the womb;  outside of the womb and for your continuance of freedom.
I thought I loved another note than I loved you....
But you are my little miracle my blessing my heart and I'm blessed God gave me you. 

Tell me why?

I wanna remember how it feels to be held close
To have the gentle kisses on my neck
I wanna be held in Arms so loving they won't let me go
Instead of this old t shirt to comfort me

I want to know why you truly left
Why you've drug me along for all this time
Why did you love me like you did when you were mine
But only behind closed doors?

Tell me why?
Tell me how?
Tell me when is my life going to start without you
Show me now... What you want of me
Either love me or let me go
But please tell me.

Remember those long car rides leading no where
And goofy things we used to do
Remember making love under the stars on the side of the road
Cause we could wait to get home
Remember when we were us....
Now the times have changed and we've grown apart
We act like we never were anything
I'm sorry but I can't lie to my heart...
You complete me your the other half of by heart....

Tell me why?
Tell me how?
Tell me when is my life going to start without you
Show me now... What you want of me
Either love me or let me go
But please tell me.

Either love me or let me go
But either way....
Please tell me....

The girl in the mirror

That girl in the mirror
She doesn't know who she is
Thru the painted smile she wears
She's not sure when her life should begin
With brokenheart she carries
She knows her world's in disarray
So she's just trying to find her true smile today.

Her eyes have dark circles
from where she cries all night
Make sets on the counter waiting to see what face she wants to shine
Her words are full of hate from the pain that's been inflicted
There's no joy in the woman she gazes at.

That girl in the mirror
She doesn't know who she is
Thru the painted smile she wears
She's not sure when her life should begin
With brokenheart she carries
She knows her world's in disarray
So she's just trying to find her true smile today.

From the tears in the shower
To the flat iron she runs thru her hair
The outfit she picks shows the world that she's not scared
But between the horrid lies that roll from his lips
She torn between forgiving him and burning that bridge

Ooh girl there's so much more to the world than this
So much more you can be
Faith is the Darin to see the unseen you gotta find the beauty deep within the woman you want to be....

That girl in the mirror
She doesn't know who she is
Thru the painted smile she wears
She's not sure when her life should begin
With brokenheart she carries
She knows her world's in disarray
So she's just trying to find her true smile today.
Can she find her smile....today?