There's a calmness in silence. There's this neverending ache that fills the void and quiets our hearts. Maybe it's an empty room; a walk down the street; a babbling brook...the possibilities are endless. I haven't quite mastered the art of concealment. I find that everyday there is one more thing added to my already overflowing plate and I'm personally not sure how much more I can take.
The verse of the day is : Ephesians 3:20-21 it says: Now unto him that is able to do exceeding and abundantly above all that we sk or think, according to the power the worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen
I have been fighting the demons of jealousy; abandonment; hate; unworthiness; unrest; unloved and guilty. My depression has been at an all time high and i still manage to keep a smile and take care of my son the best that I can yet, when he's asleep and the whole house is sleeping thats when the tears start to fall. I'm in a home where i'm loved and taken care of and still i feel on the outside...which don't get it twisted is not my family's fault. It's mine. It's the constant prescence that i'm not good enough looming over my head and i know that I'm doing the best that i can do. there are times when I look at my failed marriage and think...were things really that bad? Did i really love him? Am I always going to feel this way about anyone that i take those steps with? And once those thoughts set in it becomes this never ending barriage of how i can be better but if I become better than i shouldn't trust someone...not even God because why would he allow things to be so difficult and why this season that you're in be so long...
I don't talk about my struggles with my depression because i don't want to believe that i have it. I don't want to say that i've been altered or i'm broken. Most days i don't want to get out of bed. I sit and wonder why my sons father doesn't want to be in his life...and the cycle starts all over again. There is such a thing as true love...it's found in Jesus Christ. I know this. I've felt it. But sometimes it's so hard when everything around you is so dark and dank to find the motivation to look up.
Please don't take this the wrong way...i'm not crying out for help...i'm acknowledging the fact that I am blessed to have people in my life willing to pick me up when i can't find my way. I don't talk about church or God much anymore...but i do know that without the blessings of the believers and prayer warriors around me. When i'm having a bad day there are people constantly lifting me up; i have the love a child who melts my aching heart; there's the reassurance that God is always with me and even when i don't deserve it he is constantly standing by my side.
Galatians 5:22-23New International Version (NIV)
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
So let me encourage you...Depression is real. it's a real problem that not many people talk about. I used to go to alcohol and there are still moments that I struggle not to. But i'm constantly a work in progress. Some people will tell you: "you're fine. you'll get over it. It's just a phase. You're just seeking attention. They were never good for you in the first place, I don't know why you can't just cut your losses and walk away...." The list goes on and on... I've heard them all. I've lost friends that were supposed to be my best friends. I've walked away from the man that I love because i didn't trust him. And this may sound like i'm a horrible mother but there have even been times when I want to walk away from my son and let someone else give him a better life. You are not alone. Things may not always be the way that you'd like them to be but know that there is a light in the darkness. There is hope in love and God with stick closer to you than a brother.
I've learned the only way to get out of the depression is:
The verse of the day is : Ephesians 3:20-21 it says: Now unto him that is able to do exceeding and abundantly above all that we sk or think, according to the power the worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen
I have been fighting the demons of jealousy; abandonment; hate; unworthiness; unrest; unloved and guilty. My depression has been at an all time high and i still manage to keep a smile and take care of my son the best that I can yet, when he's asleep and the whole house is sleeping thats when the tears start to fall. I'm in a home where i'm loved and taken care of and still i feel on the outside...which don't get it twisted is not my family's fault. It's mine. It's the constant prescence that i'm not good enough looming over my head and i know that I'm doing the best that i can do. there are times when I look at my failed marriage and think...were things really that bad? Did i really love him? Am I always going to feel this way about anyone that i take those steps with? And once those thoughts set in it becomes this never ending barriage of how i can be better but if I become better than i shouldn't trust someone...not even God because why would he allow things to be so difficult and why this season that you're in be so long...
I don't talk about my struggles with my depression because i don't want to believe that i have it. I don't want to say that i've been altered or i'm broken. Most days i don't want to get out of bed. I sit and wonder why my sons father doesn't want to be in his life...and the cycle starts all over again. There is such a thing as true love...it's found in Jesus Christ. I know this. I've felt it. But sometimes it's so hard when everything around you is so dark and dank to find the motivation to look up.
Please don't take this the wrong way...i'm not crying out for help...i'm acknowledging the fact that I am blessed to have people in my life willing to pick me up when i can't find my way. I don't talk about church or God much anymore...but i do know that without the blessings of the believers and prayer warriors around me. When i'm having a bad day there are people constantly lifting me up; i have the love a child who melts my aching heart; there's the reassurance that God is always with me and even when i don't deserve it he is constantly standing by my side.
Galatians 5:22-23New International Version (NIV)
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.
So let me encourage you...Depression is real. it's a real problem that not many people talk about. I used to go to alcohol and there are still moments that I struggle not to. But i'm constantly a work in progress. Some people will tell you: "you're fine. you'll get over it. It's just a phase. You're just seeking attention. They were never good for you in the first place, I don't know why you can't just cut your losses and walk away...." The list goes on and on... I've heard them all. I've lost friends that were supposed to be my best friends. I've walked away from the man that I love because i didn't trust him. And this may sound like i'm a horrible mother but there have even been times when I want to walk away from my son and let someone else give him a better life. You are not alone. Things may not always be the way that you'd like them to be but know that there is a light in the darkness. There is hope in love and God with stick closer to you than a brother.
I've learned the only way to get out of the depression is:
1. talk about it. It's easier to cry on someones shoulder and let out your frustrtations than to hide away and let the wounds fester.
2. Seek help. I was always told if you need help ask for it. simple enough? not really. We feel that if we are asking for help than we are weak. But it's the opposite...if we are seeking help then we are admitting that we have a problem....all we need now is a solution.
3. Don't be afraid to let someone in. My own heart is still broken. But THANK GOD there are people willing to pick up one piece at a time to help me deal with things. A loving heart is a healing heart.
4. Talk to God. If none of the ones above work for you...talk to God. He already knows whats going on and he's already with you. The Holy Spirit is calming and is willing to wrap you up in such a way that no one can replace this. God is omnipresent. He'll walk through the darkness with you and carry you when you can't find your way.
5. Love Yourself. before we can love other people....we have to love ourselves. The healing starts inside.... love you. you are a beautiful person. don't ever forget that!
In close, don't be afraid. I almost made a temporary problem a permanent solution. but Thank you Jesus that i've found so much more to live for.
be blessed!
No comments:
Post a Comment