I've spent the last 10 years of my life running away from things that I didn't want to face. I don't know exactly why i did but it was just one of those things that just made everything that much easier. A friend of mine paid me the biggest favor ever. He divorced me. And as a result i still ran to him with every problem that i had. I know I said i wouldn't talk about him anymore but he paid me another respect as of recently. He has showed me a kindness that i surely don't deserve. But he also showed my something that has heightened my curiosity to why we are so negative. Why do we spend all this time focusing on the bad in our lives when all we have to do is think of the good. I may not be rich...but i can pay my bills. I may not be gorgeous...but i believe myself to be beautiful...All these negatives can be counteracted with positives. Truth be told i was wanting and willing to do anything just to spend 5 minutes on the phone; get a reply in a text; find excuses to go to the house because i didn't want to admit that he was surviving with out me and that I was helplessly/hopelessly still believing that he would come back. It doesn't matter how much we love someone, when we get to the point when we realize that they may love us but they are continuing their life we have to put on our big girl panties and step away. The heartache that ensues from the drama that's created does only the things we don't like...hurt us more. I was jealous; angry; in love; desperate changed. I hated the fact that I couldn't feel like i could live my life without him. I've done things that i'm not proud of. But in the last year and half I've grown up. I've moved forward. And i'm surviving without him. Yes the in love part of things are still there but i still have the memories. there were more good memories than bad...but when there were bad.they were really really bad. But today i realized: I am beautiful. I am taking care of myself. I can fall in love again. I can survive without him. I'm not afraid to open my heart. I'm not afraid to be me. I'm not afraid of letting go. I'm not running anymore. I'm making decisions to enhance and better my life from this point on. No more negative thoughts. No more jealousy. This is the time that I can thrive. And i'm not afraid to fail. Because every experience in life we can learn from. we just have to take the time to truly contemplate every decision we make. Trust God. And know that though tomorrow is never promised...we have to make today the best day that we can.
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