Dreams Dreams...all about loving you!

Dreams Dreams 9/9/2007

the smell of you dwells on my pillow
I breathe in the smell and sigh silently to myself
Dreams dreams they come and go but reality stays a dream when the heart is pure.
Quietly I wait for that velvet touch of you to run down my arm
slowly followed by a kiss on the nape of my neck
chills ripple down my spine as goosebumps dance across my skin.
I close my eyes lavishing the moment that we are sharing.
Not one word is spoken
not a sound is made,
not a sound is muttered
In the gentle whisper you can hear our hearts being in sync
That's the only noise made is our beating hearts
abruptly the moment is gone
when the air conditioner kicks on
Still though, your smell lingers on the pillow
This is reality
this is your dream
Thank the Lord that sleep is the only way to enhance this moment
dreams dreams they come and go but reality stays a dream when the heart is pure.
I'm falling in love with the dream we've created
and only time will tell if God is in this
I spend my time wondering what your thinking
Why you love?
Why you take time to be with me
and I realize that..
I'm falling and i'm in love
with the dream of you and me
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I found this poem the other day when I was going thru stuff before i took off for New York. I didn't realize when it was written or how deep it really was. It just gives me hope that some day i will be able to overcome this heartache i feel and i'll be able to be captured by someone elses heart. I'm not saying it's something that I'm looking for because i don't know if right now would be the time to sweep me off my feet...however it gives me hope that maybe just maybe i'll be able to be strong enough on my own to let someone into my heart. I don't want to say that I'm going to be picky...but i'm going to have to be. I want to be able to give 100% of my heart to someone. It may take another year...it may take 5 years. it could be something that I wait for for the rest of my life. Either way; I know that I gave my heart away 100% to someone and I never got it back. It's been a year and a half since things hit the fan and it's been just over 6 months since my divorce was finalized. Hope is not something that I wanted to have. But there is inspiration all around. It breathes and it moves and it changes. Love is something that can't be described. It's a feeling and an action it's an adjective ...it's a nonstop evolving thing. And really it's not even a thing. love is best shown in action by doing what you want to do. I know what love isn't. I know how to show that I don't love people. But I also know that my heart is broken enough and shattered enough to know that the broken pieces are something beautiful. And that by the grace of God and if I can change the way I think I can feel something again. It's not about doing better. It's not about what they bring to the table. I'd rather be poor and in love than to have all the money in the world and be in lust. I know that I can count on one had how many men I've loved. loved so deeply that they have helped mend and fix my broken pieces. Although anymore i feel bad if i make comparisons to people.No one deserves to be compared to anyone. Period. It's not fair to them. I've learned that love is letting go...love isn't being a booty call when they have a gf...love isn't texting everyday because you miss them...love is taking your own shattered heart and sometimes we muddle through...but love is being happy for them. Love is lifting them up in prayer. Love is still being there whenever they need you even though there may not be any hope for reconciliation. Love is growing on your own and finding your way into your own heart so you can start healing yourself.  I'm sure that most of you are thinking that this is putting someone one blast. It's not. It's coming to the realization that nobody is perfect. and the moment that you try to change them you lose sight of what you liked/loved about them in the first place. I personally don't want to be perfect because i'm a hot mess. :) I like being me. I like being the crazy obnoxious city girl who fell in love with the country. I like taking the time to smell the wild flowers and playing in the mud. I like being able to out spit any man i know. (and out burp) I like being who God created me to be. I don't want to blame anyone for the mistakes of my past because in reality i made a choice. And those choices have shaped me into the woman that I have become. And if someone wants to tell me that I'm wrong well I've made peace with God about it. I'm over the problems. If you have a problem maybe you need to look inside your own heart to realize that we all have flaws. We all have short comings. and when we tale the time to open our eyes to our own mistakes and stop making excuses to why someone did something...we'd all be happier with who we are.I know, because when I stopped blaming my ex-husband for the actions i took;it opened my eyes to the good things about him. And inadvertently made me fall in love with him all over again. But it was different. It was true love that i feel in my heart. It was the mushy stuff but it was so much more. So if there are problems in a relationship ..look at yourself first. Before you jump off the barge. Look in the mirror and look and your own shortcomings and if you don't like what you see...you have the power to change it. I believe Ghandi said it best "You have to be the CHANGE you want SEE in the WORLD!"

Another day...another time

It's hard for me to think from time to time about the things that I've done wrong in my life. It's something that i'm having a hard time coming to grips with. Now needless to say things are always changing and always evolving but for my it's an endless roller-coaster of anger that just doesn't dissipate. It's a train that i'm so scared to step out on my own that i'm still learning how to fly. Its like standing in front of the mirror and know what you see but not believing that's who you really are. I guess Michael Jackson had it right. We need to start with the man/woman in the mirror. Along with Ghandi saying Be the change you want to see in the world. But what if i'm not willing to change? What if I like being me and i'm just looking for someone who's willing to deal with my baggage? How hard is it for someone to open their eyes to someone else's life and stop focusing on the negative in their own? How many times do we have to fall before we learn how to pick ourselves back up?

I'm an emotional train wreck. I'm obnoxious and rude and perverted and dishonest...but i know these things about me...today i realized that i would give anything to help people. I will get the crap beat out of me if I could help someone else. But lately it seems like i'm more a hindrance or a burden to the people i truly do care about the most. It's like i cant handle my own problems and still i'm trying to get over and blame people for whats wrong in my life. Yet, on the flip side i'm still like a revolving door. people walk all over me all the time and i say nothing. I do nothing. And when i finally turn around and take a stand for myself they get mad because i said something to them about what needs to be done and how i believe it should be done. It's kinda funny actually. Here i am, 25...divorced...no kids and single; and there's not one man in this world that wants to "deal" with me.
For a while forever seemed like sitting in a rocking chair on the back porch watching the wind blow thru the trees. Now forever seems like solitude and loneliness wrapped up in a never ending saga of reruns of how you could have done things differently...
I'm so tired of not being good enough for someone that i loved. I can't be anyone but the big mess that i am. I'm just praying that one day someone will love me for me truly.


One last shot

One foot in front of the other
labored breaths aren't hard to find
I stand outside the front door
of the home that once was mine
My car is jam packed
and i'm trying to be fine
A memory comes like a flash back
A time when you were mine.
But now we fight and argue
can't see eye to eye
Hating you seems so logical
only on the outside
The butterflies have gone away
but my heart still calls your name
This is it the last goodbye
will slowly begin today.
I can't say that i'm sorry
that i said those hateful words
you drive me completely crazy
and now it just seems absurd
WE have to not be us anymore
that chapter has come to an end
I don't believe in second chances
but i don't know now where to begin
I'm standing on my own two feet
Not needing your help at all
I used to think my life was complete
that you'd always catch me when i fall
But now i see you were my safety net
someone that i could always rely on
but i'm taking off like a leer jet
I'm searching for my call...
I cannot say i love you now
because those have come to late.
Saying without meaning wouldn't be too great
so i won't say it at all.
This was my last shot with you
my hands are completely washed.
Just know that though I'm leaving you
You'll always be in my heart.

A Roast Chicken and cleaning

It's such a relief to know that God is with me. I know that here lately I haven't felt him but my heart is changing again. Someone told me the other day that I wasn't the girl that he was looking for...and my smart aleck remark was you could have told me that 2 months ago. lol Oh well. I guess people come into your life when you least expect it. It's like the bible says in Ecclesiates 3. Theres a time for everything. This must be my time and season that i'm to find who I truly am. I'm still struggling not knowing where my roommate is and if they are ok but I know that God is with them. It's funny that when you care for someone so much you spend all your time and energy just praying good things for them. Although i'm not saying that they are walking the way God would have them walk it's still the reassurance in my heart that God is hearing my prayers for them. It's just one of those times when you turn around and analyze everyone that's in your life and why they are doing what they are doing. it's a technical thing i learned from my ex husband. He was/is very educated on things like that. And right now it's just one of those things where with my roommate they don't want me to know where they are and what they are doing because they don't a. want my opinion b. don't want to hurt my feelings. c. they just don't care and they are going to do whatever they want to do. I'm just saying it would be nice to just speak to them to know that they are OK and kind of get a game plan. Any who: So i'm roasting a chicken tonight. Never done that before. It should be interesting. I have the guts and giblets and all that nasty stuff and i'm not quite sure what to do with that...lol So i guess we'll just kinda play that one by ear. It should be a fairly productive night. I'm not going anywhere tonight and tomorrow i'm gonna try to get to church. Money is so tight that i just want to conserve as much as i can so that i'm ahead instead of behind like i have been in the past. it seems like i'm just rambling but it's been so long since I've sat down and just been able to pour out my heart and not be told that i'm stupid or that i'm making dumb decisions. I pour my heart out to God often but still i guess in my mind i would love that someone that i could just sit across from and cry my eyes out. I'm not saying that people haven't been there to hold me when i'm crying it's just that i just want to make it know that sometimes i just need to be held. I know that whenever i'm crying myself to sleep that God has me wrapped up in his arms and that brings comfort but once and a while i want someone physically there to tell me that it's going to be ok and that i'm not going crazy. Because lets admit....i'm more crazy than i was last week. But i'm holding my own. I'm standing on my own two feet. I'm not relying on anyone but me. And for that all i can say is Thank you Lord for blessing me and holding me when i cry!

A day with no sunshine outside...but a light shining inside

I thought that yesterday was an absolutely horrible day. but i was so wrong. I was so blessed by all the people i know and the people i don't know that have been so encouraging. It was just one of those days where i would have just liked to crawl into a hole and disappear. But in reality that wouldn't have solved anything. My heart was panicked and my mind was just all kinds of jacked up. So I started packing i have most of my stuff from the house packed up and my clothes in bags. And I've been so wrapped up in God that i don't even notice that i haven't really been missing him. I know that sounds funny or strange or a constant change from what my norm is. Life isn't measured by how many breaths we take but how many moments take our breath away. This was just another one of those days. It's a positive change for me to know that i'll make it just fine on my own. It makes me not trust men, but i know that will come with time. I know that God will provide someone so special for me and I just have to be patient. Take care of be and do nothing about it until God tells me it's time. :) So even though it's raining outside find the joy inside...go dance in the rain. Curl up with a good book. cook til your hearts content and make sure that if you do love someone you tell/show them :) Have a blessed day ya'll

Be of good cheer...for i have overcome the world

I was reading last night and found jealousy being.harbored in my heart. Not because I'm jealous of people in my life but.I'm making giant strides to move up on my own. So as i was reading and checking out my daily verses i came across this verse John 16:33 which reads:
These things I have spoken unto you, that in me ye might have peace. In the world ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer; I have overcome the world.
And i started thinking...oh my. I'm letting my trials and tribulations get the better of me. We can't have that.  I'm a strong willed woman who has screwed up a lot of things in her life. Now is not the time to stop. I dont have anyone close enough to just go and hang out with. I don't hardly see my roommate and I'm moving in three weeks. The part.that keeps.playing is be of.good.cheer. Its like a beacon blinking saying trust me. I'm terrified and frightened but.I'm trying to trust Jesus. I'm ready to stand my ground. I'm ready to change. I'm ready to fall in love with Jesus. :)
My challenge today give the hurt and the pain to God. He knows.right where you are at and He cant help you unless you ask. Ask him for help and patiently wait for his response. Seek him and pray.

Be blessed

I'm finding it hard to face reality today. Time and time again, I'm coming up short. Its almost like my heart is beating in slow.motion. My mind is moving faster than my body and i can't get a grip on my emotions. It's like when you love someone you'll risk and do anything for them...but at the same time your still selective on what memories you keep and what ones you disreguard. I sit at home and just gaze out into the  yard and hear my children laughin. Their father making a fire in the back yard making smores. I see my home destroyed by the pain that i helped put in it.
In the span of three weeks or less, i will be picking up my life and packing it away. I'll be back to shutting the door on my love for him. No matter how long it will take i will eventually hopefully be able to be loved and be happy. Right now, I'm just trying to make due, trust God.
I know that he is with me and he will keep me strong.  Now I'm just gonna keep believing he'll take care of me.

My heart...older poem i found

My heart
I gave my heart to you
With forever on my mind
I knew it would be a challenge
But God was on our side
The attraction was instantaneous We clicked right away
The sex was super fabulous
And my life was never the same
I gave you my heart blindly
With dreams and hopes to persue
We planned forever kindly
And love was all we knew
We made our stance
Through sickness and health
For rich or for poor
Being poor rather than having wealth My heart it beats an irregular beat Since all i see is goodbye at my feet Love endures all things hopes all things Believes all things
and yet we're still here.
Im just sorry my heart still beats for yours
And that yours beats for her
We could have lasted and worked through our problems
But your love wasnt unconditional Shes already taken your forever.
My heart still beats for you
And im still running now all alone Know that my loves unconditional for you.
And no matter where your at
My heart is still yours.

I'll survive

Im making a new vow today
To stand up on my own.
I wont let anyone come my way
I wont let them bring me down
Ive been down this road bwfor
And fallen on my face
Ive had skinned up knees and broken dreams that brought me back down from space
My life is in a mess right now
Im in love all by myself
But hes found a diamond in the rough She's beautiful and fun and makes him smile...i can see all his wealth.
Still the silence gathers around me
As he spends most nights with her
I'm making my way through all the dookie.
Ill survive
Ill thrive
And I'll be just fine.

Between a rock and a hard place...

I was sitting at home last night on my last day off for the next week or so and i was just kinda wondering what in the world would happen once i move on. What will happen when i find myself in a home of my own and doing my own things and making my own way and i'll be standing wondering what in the world is my purpose. Yes, I know that i have a chance to dream and to be on my own but what is my purpose. I mean dont get me wrong i love the fact that i'm ready to step out and get on my own and to be the things that i know that i can. Yet, I'm sitting here starting to pack up my life all over again and ready to step out. I'm not gonna lie I'm terrified. I don't know what to think or what to do. it's like here i am starting all over again and i'm going to be ok. So as for today, I'm ok. Just gettin ready to work for the next 5 days or so and take it all in. Just to be me and just do what i need to do. :) This too Shall Pass! be blessed

Seek ye first the kingdom of God

Inspiration is the key to parts of success, if not the spark to light the fire under our butts to help get things moving. It's something we need to open our eyes to; that burning in our soul that makes us strive and want to do more with our lives. Recently I've been in this extremely dark place. A place where i can't see the sun even if i wanted too. It was a place where there wasn't any dreaming, hoping and/or faith. I found myself angry and pining for the approval of someone who doesn't truly seem me anymore.I was greeted with nothing but flack and heart ache. No one can make you feel inferior unless you let them. At this point I'm done. I"m better than that! No, I'm not saying that i'm perfect and i'm not even gonna say that i'm better than most. I'm just netty. And I am getting back to finding my own way without any mans approval because i don't need it. I'm good at being an outcast. I'm good at being strong on my own two feet. My inspiration comes thru my pain. I may not be able to ever love someone 100%, but the fact is that i will love. I will d5ream. I will hope and keep the faith. Even though i'm good at walking away from God and making a mess of my life. He has never left me. He has never stopped loving me. And His approval is all I need. Only challenge today: Find your own inspiration. Find it within yourself. And seek Gods approval not mans! Be blessed y'all!

Holding onto a promise

Hebrews 10:23 reads ' Let us old tightly without wavering to the hope we affirm, for God can be trusted to keep his promise'

This was the new verse of the day for me. With all that is going on in my life theres a moment when i need confirmation that He is still listening. No i'm not saying that i don't believe that he's there and that he's working, it's just a matter of hey there's hope for tomorrow even when today truly doesn't make sense. I've realized that when i say something and people take offense to it and it's not anything that should be taken offense to that its just a sign that God is moving in that person. I am one person. There's not one thing that God can or won't do to make this life more bearable. He will never give us more than we can handle. At this point my life is amazing. I love my job, love the people i'm living with and standing on Gods Cornerstone that he's created for me. Yes there are more times that not that i want to feed my flesh and in some ways i still do. However, if he can deliver me from those ways of sin than i know that he will find a way to keep me from those ways of sin. Just like Satan tempting Job. He took everything from him. his family, his fortune, his friends...everything that could be held dear to us was gone. And yet while the storm was raging around Job HE still PRAISED GOD FOR EVERYTHING!

My challenge is to stand on the promise gave you. Believe that God is going to do it because he is able. Now if it's a wish for riches and fame thats not likely to happen. God doesn't want us to be of the world so we have to step back and figure out what He wants us to do. But For a healing...claim it and believe that it's been done. for restoration/ reconciliation... have faith and know that he's God and all things are possible through Christ. Every moment of every life you can find something that will bless you. It's only a matter of if we can see it.
God is great, but his holy spirit and blessings are so much greater than we can even imagine. So stand on the promise God has presented to you. If it's something that is worldly rethink you choice. God blesses the faithful.
Be strong my brothers and sisters. God is moving!

A sudden memory

For the love of my Savior, i stand in awe and the wonderous signs he's given me. I give him thanks for what twists and turns my life has had and is still going to have. There is a song in me that is still welling up inside. I sang my heart out last night. I was so tired when i got done that i was sweating. Isn't that how we are suppose to praise God. We are suppose to be warn out and tired every time we do. We go to the club and give it our all...why can't we give God our all? I can actually answer that one. When we are trusting what we can't see we dont believe that he is there. It's like at the club your with a bunch of strangers you don't know and they are there so we have to do our best. We have to try every move we have to make sure that God is paying attention to us. but in reality He's always there. He's never left us. Even when we walk away. There's a song that i have discovered that simply states " No matter what we're going thru what have to learn to bring our praise..." Amazing at how many times we stand at attention at the door and don't want to know. Matthew 7:7 states- ask and you shall receive, seek ye shall find, knock and the door will be opened unto you...
So i ask how come we aren't asking seeking and knocking? This is a hard lesson that i had to learn this week myself. I let the devil get the best of me. Yep i said it. The Devil Got The Best Of ME! with everything that was within me i kicked the person that i love the most and brought him down. I keep having visions. I don't know if they are from God i don't think that they are but my whole world stopped when the man I love the most, filled me with love and compassion. I don't know how to act now. I was so convicted so stupid that i was the one that had fallen off the cornerstone that i have been standing one. I burned the rest of the bridge that was before me. I ruined everything again! My tounge got the best of me and somehow my mind ran off with me as well.
I walked into church yesterday after working 10 hrs at the child development center, and i was so tired. I couldn't wait to get home in fact by the end of things i was falling asleep in the door way. i walked into church that there is this weight that comes over me. I'm not sure what it's suppose to mean but my heart gets super heavy like theres stones place within it. Although i had met someone who is pretty amazing i don't know where i'm leading my heart. Instead of being what i was and jumping into bed with this person i'm waiting to see what he truly wants. And so far, things are not in his favor. I'm running around wondering what i need to do and God is putting me closer and closer to Jesus and himself. So i'm just standing my ground I want to be like Esther...When there was something that she needed to stand for, she found a way to do it.And now, i'm the one that is going to e able to be the vistor in all things. God is making a way.

So today based on Matthew 7:7
my challenege is Ask God for help, Seek Him out to find the answers, Knock and God will provide a door for you to walk thru!

Be blessed ya'll!

Letting the storm consume you...

Ok so I'm guilty! Yesterday I spent the day completely convicted by God. Why? Because I was being hateful and the devil was havin a good ride! I spent more of my day hating myself and my actions than actually enjoying God yesterday.here's how we turned it around. I called my amazing sister in Christ Marlene, and she started prayin. The thing about it is she was right. I needed to hear what I had to deal with even though I didn't like it. God had convicted my heart so bad that my clouded mind couldn't make sense of anything. Than she gave me the verse Isaiah 2:22 which reads

"Don’t put your trust in mere humans.

They are as frail as breath.

What good are they?"

This is when I realized I wasn't truly seeking Gods will but Netty's will and want! Yes I can bless and heal but I have to look past the humans! I have to look past my fellow man and look up to my heavenly Daddy! When I read what I read it was covered in love. And it convicted my heart to the point I coulnt look myself in the mirror. I couldn't stand the sight of my reflection. But let me tell you. Once my judgement was cleared, and my mind at ease, I reread what was said. What a world of difference. My heart had deceived me. What I needed to see was this: there was love, hurt, lies and false accusations from God. All things that I had done in one poisoning way. And it was returned with love, blessings, reassurance, hurt, and pain. I felt that this person didn't love me. And in return they have been more kind and loving in the last few minutes to put me in my place again. Wow! God wasn't messing around today. He loves me so much that he made someone I was trying to make an enemy an example that at first I didn't truly see. But now I can see clearly! God plucked me out of the storm so many times and I still want to run. But today is the day that I truly stand! I want the narrow way that leads to everlasting life! So that is what I am striving for!

No challenge right now, but there will be soon! ;) be ready!

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Obedience and Faith

I've learned that i'm having a hard time being obedient to God. When i get a little stressed out i have to go buy a pack of cigarettes and use them as a crutch to deal with whatever is stressing me for the moment than i end up smoking the whole pack in one day. Yes, thats my way of dealing with stress. I've also learned that now that i'm walking with God that i'm blessed at every turn of my head. There are people that care so much about me that they are willing to help no matter what i need. God has shown me that being obedient to his word that he is going to keep blessing me. I don't know why and i don't know how long it will happen but i know that God is a way maker and at every moment of my life i am finding new ways to fall in love with God. I haven't talked to adam in 4 days. He has been given an ultimatum and he's living with the choice he made. Until he can see that it's not Gods will I am praying for him without ceasing. There are so many things in this world that are the devil. But i woke up this morning and i told the devil he is defeated. I stood my ground. I will not back down to a defeated foe! I will not give up on the promises that God has for me. He is my everything! So today i stand by faith and i stand in obedience that God will provide everything i need!
So i challenge you all to have faith in God and be obedient to his word! God is amazing! Let him in your life!

Stranded in the background

So oday i haven't read the bible but i did watch Tyler Perry's I can do bad all by myself. And really i think it's a total kick in the face. I'm not exactly sure what i've learned this time around but i definetly know that there are many things in my life that i still need to straighten out. I know that there are still some hard things that i'm going to have to encounter on this mountain that i'm climbing. My heart hurts so bad and i'm so tired about everything that has happened up until this point. Im also finding that i'm taking refuge in smoking. Its something that takes my mind off of the current situation and puts in the mindset that i can still do damage to myself without actually feeling like i am. And yet all the time i'm sitting here thinking well what has God to say about what i'm doing or not doing in my life... and theres a part of me that just doesn't want to know. Theres a part of me that just doesn't want to hear the truth about everything that i'm still doing wrong. The fact that i can't love Adam anymore. The fact that i have to let him go. Thats a whole lot easier said than done. And in my heart i feel like i shouldn't have to let him go. But as for right now i have to. I have to stand alone. He can't be the one i run to because he is choosing another life. He is choosing to be a shadow and a thought of what i once loved and held onto. Now i'm alone. I'm so terrified about being where i am at. I'm worried about what is going to happen on a minute to minute basis. I'm worried about how much i'm going to have to take in order to open my eyes to whats in front of me. I'm wonderfin how much time i'll have to wait. And when i do that i just think it's His will not My will. and frankly if it is his will then i need to continue to wait on him. Yes that sucks, and yes, i'm so scared. It's hard to admit that i have to be the light in the darkness when i don't know how to be in the background. I don't know how to step aside in my life and just let God have the control. Being the background is something i know that is going to be hard for me. Because i am a performer. i stand in the front with everything and i make a point to bless people. But now in my own life i'm standing in the background and watching the events unfold. It's time to just being in the background. Just to be a sounding board. it's time to be! And thankfully with God's help i won't have to be alone because God is standing right beside me.

Seeing the Sunlight thru the clouds

Well its been a few days since I've updated. This past week I spent it in Charleston on job training. God is good. My roommate was phenomenal. She was so kind and funny. Just good people. So much has happened. My new car broke down and I almost got stranded down there. Turns out my transmission is dead. But in the process God has blessed me with meeting some of the most amazing people in the world. People have helped me continuously and have been there for me. Now while the devil has been effecting everything...as my husband called me...your a Jobette. For those of you who don't know in the bible there the book of Job. Job was an upstanding christian who was continually bragged about to satan by God. Wanna know about perserverance read Job! But the devils been trying to take my life away. He working on my cornerstone. I know that when I put my feet on the ground the ground trembles because I wake up praising God. I wake up knowing the devil is defeated. As the sun rose this morning. I was just getting into bed. I couldn't sleep last night. My heart was so sad. My roomate is moving to Pittsburgh. So I'm moving to. And I think the fact that he is moving saddens my heart. So I'm just praying for him. God I blessing him so I'm standing by and supporting him.
Todays challenge is enjoy te sunshine. Be the light in the darkness to someone. Be there. You never know about tomorrow.

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Everything to me

I was sitting on the back porch listening to a song by Avalon called Everything to me. Im not sure where the song orginated but the words are so powerful. My heart is so sad here in the last week. Its like no matter how hard i try to keep my cool im kinda coming unglued. I have a drive now that i am to do everything for God. My husband and I are really not on good terms and i miss him tremendously. Theres not a moment that goes by that i dont pray for him. Pray without ceasing. As for me...im finding im seeking this stupi addiction this parasite bring me down. Yet at the same time im feeling alone. Although i have a series of prayer warriors behind me and arelifting me up in prayer im still working on picking up my cross daily. The last week the cross im carrying has been so heavy that i just want to walk away. Im still being faithful but the devil is working so hard at my heart. Hes got me wishing and wantin wat God is telling me to wait on. As i look at my life...so far i dont have a legacy to give to my children when i have them. I want to be able to say that being of the world is the sure way to hell. I want to tell them that i will fast and pray for them even though they are not born. I want t be sure that i can be a good mother and keep them prayed up at all times. Right now its me and God against the world. And right now im the one thats falling. And still hes pickingme up. Hes holding my hand and carrying me thru these troubled times.
Keep praying. Keep seeking God. Keep studying the word. God is good. All the time. All the time. My God is good.

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Love is Faithful

As part of everything going on in my life, I've learned to be faithful. I'm a faithful wife (now) I'm a faithful friend. I'm a faithful daughter to God...all that there is to be faithful to comes with a large amount of loyalty. Even when we don't think that we can be anymore faithful, I'm finding new ways to do so. I've decided id like to be the sole provider for my home. I don't want to see my husband go to a job he can't stand. Id much rather him help those whom have been good to us and serve the Lord. Taking care of others is so uplifting. Its rewarding within itself. All the joy that comes from helping I glorified in God as long as we are glorifying the right way. Sometimes we tend to toot our own horns. I've found that when and ifi toot my own horn I'm a guilty mess. Faith is the key that unlocks the door.
Are we faithful enough?

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inspiring friend!

The best kind of praise is the praise that comes from a broken heart. No one can sing our hallelujahs! No one can take our blessings. My friend Marlene is a living inspiring testimony. She is currently overweight and we areworking together to get her healthy. She went to zumba with me last night. She so amazing. I was worried she sit outb theb whole time. She kept up! No this isnt because i had doubt in her. I didnt want her to push herself to the point of hurting herself. She stuck it out and felt amazing! It brings so much joy to my heart that i can help be a strong tower. The reason im talking about inspiration right now is because we all need to be inspired. We all need that someone to look up to. This amazing friend of min has been put thru the ringer time and time again. Yet, no matter what the circumstances, she still praises God. Her inspiration comes from theb foot of the cross, and i just thank God that he has kept her in my life. She has become an inspiring force in my life.
So today ask yourself...what inspires me to keep going? If its a wordly thing be careful. Treasures on earth are temporary. If its Godly, then pray that it stays Godly. I encourag you to look into your heart an.d find inspiration!
Be blessed ya'll

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Affliction and Addiction

Psalm 31:1-24 NIV

In you, Lord, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness. Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me. Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me. Keep me free from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge. Into your hands I commit my spirit;
deliver me, Lord, my faithful God. I hate those who cling to worthless idols;
as for me, I trust in the Lord. I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not given me into the hands of the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place. Be merciful to me, Lord, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and body with grief. My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,
and my bones grow weak. Because of all my enemies,
I am the utter contempt of my neighbors
and an object of dread to my closest friends—
those who see me on the street flee from me. I am forgotten as though I were dead;
I have become like broken pottery. For I hear many whispering,
"Terror on every side!"
They conspire against me
and plot to take my life. But I trust in you, Lord;
I say, "You are my God." My times are in your hands;
deliver me from the hands of my enemies,
from those who pursue me. Let your face shine on your servant;
save me in your unfailing love. Let me not be put to shame, Lord,
for I have cried out to you;
but let the wicked be put to shame
and be silent in the realm of the dead. Let their lying lips be silenced,
for with pride and contempt
they speak arrogantly against the righteous. How abundant are the good things
that you have stored up for those who fear you,
that you bestow in the sight of all,
on those who take refuge in you. In the shelter of your presence you hide them
from all human intrigues;
you keep them safe in your dwelling
from accusing tongues. Praise be to the Lord,
for he showed me the wonders of his love
when I was in a city under siege. In my alarm I said,
"I am cut off from your sight!"
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help. Love the Lord, all his faithful people!
The Lord preserves those who are true to him,
but the proud he pays back in full. Be strong and take heart,
all you who hope in the Lord.

Affliction: is something that hinders you.
Addiction: is something we can't go without.

This morning I used Psalm 31. I chose this verse today because of the storm that is raging in my heart. I am the leader of my heart. I am in control of my emotions. Yet, I spend more time loving people who don't love me in return than I do anything else. The pain from this isn't too bad. However, it has caused way to a continuing addiction. In my pain I take refuge in smoking. God still has my heart but the fleshly humanly need for that nicotine fix drives me crazy! Sometimes I want to just cry my eyes out for smoking. I don't even like it. So here I am being afflicted and am resorting to an addiction I don't like. It sounds stupid but God is working on me hardcore. My heart has been changed completely. So much that I gave up the one thing/ person I care abouton this earth. He was hurting and I told him id stop being that love he needs. Ill be a friend and simply pray for him. I just kept praying for God to upset the foundation to show him he's wrong...in the process I realized he loves her. So I started praying they can work itout. No matter how much pain we've had in our life...God can fix it. No one loves us as much as God. So I've handed my everything to God. Having nothing means that I have gained everything.
So on this chilly october morning pray for you addictions. Ask God to help you conquer them. Ask him to be your rock and salvation when the times get rough.
I'm praying for you all,

Blessings!

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