Stranded in the background

So oday i haven't read the bible but i did watch Tyler Perry's I can do bad all by myself. And really i think it's a total kick in the face. I'm not exactly sure what i've learned this time around but i definetly know that there are many things in my life that i still need to straighten out. I know that there are still some hard things that i'm going to have to encounter on this mountain that i'm climbing. My heart hurts so bad and i'm so tired about everything that has happened up until this point. Im also finding that i'm taking refuge in smoking. Its something that takes my mind off of the current situation and puts in the mindset that i can still do damage to myself without actually feeling like i am. And yet all the time i'm sitting here thinking well what has God to say about what i'm doing or not doing in my life... and theres a part of me that just doesn't want to know. Theres a part of me that just doesn't want to hear the truth about everything that i'm still doing wrong. The fact that i can't love Adam anymore. The fact that i have to let him go. Thats a whole lot easier said than done. And in my heart i feel like i shouldn't have to let him go. But as for right now i have to. I have to stand alone. He can't be the one i run to because he is choosing another life. He is choosing to be a shadow and a thought of what i once loved and held onto. Now i'm alone. I'm so terrified about being where i am at. I'm worried about what is going to happen on a minute to minute basis. I'm worried about how much i'm going to have to take in order to open my eyes to whats in front of me. I'm wonderfin how much time i'll have to wait. And when i do that i just think it's His will not My will. and frankly if it is his will then i need to continue to wait on him. Yes that sucks, and yes, i'm so scared. It's hard to admit that i have to be the light in the darkness when i don't know how to be in the background. I don't know how to step aside in my life and just let God have the control. Being the background is something i know that is going to be hard for me. Because i am a performer. i stand in the front with everything and i make a point to bless people. But now in my own life i'm standing in the background and watching the events unfold. It's time to just being in the background. Just to be a sounding board. it's time to be! And thankfully with God's help i won't have to be alone because God is standing right beside me.