The moment of truth

It's come to the realization that people don't know who I am. This girl right here that seems to have a roller coaster of a blog. The girl that knows what life is about and who had to learn the hard way in order to get to where I am. The road has most certainly not been an easy one but it is the one that i chose. Many people think that I'm a wayward Christian. That i only preach it when i'm on fire for God. Thats what people see. Thats what they want to say well she's living in sin so why should i listen to her? Thats a very good point. For the most part they are right. I do live somewhat of a sinful life. I drink; I smoke; I hang out in bars... i'm always with someone but i'm always lonely. (with someone as in friends) Usually if i'm bringing something up from the bible it just means that I've been there. I've walked that path and I know what it's like when you look up and see how much of your life is wasted on the stupidity that you've let it. A lot of people think that since my divorce i've gone a little crazy. And that may be slightly true...but don't we all have a little crazy in us? Thats what makes us who we are...what we've been thru have made us or has broken us. I was broken for a long long time. I'm just now able to get up and smell the roses. I gave up a life that i didn't think that i wanted by sabotaging it. Though truth is I never fully did the acts that i was accused of that resulted in my divorce...i did cheat in my heart. I wanted to but when the time came to do it...i pulled up a picture of how happy and how wonderful it was to finally have found someone that saw me past my pain and my short comings. No i'm not saying that my life was perfect. By no means was it...but it was great to know that someone cared enough about me to want to teach and help me. life lessons...reality checks...real love...truth...honor and commitment. I know that I'll get ripped a new one for even talking about my marriage but it's time to come clean. Not that i have to come clean to you but this is my journey. this is my new adventure. This is my life and how I deal with things. I'm not going to stop glancing in the rear view mirror because it makes people upset. my life isn't about making people upset though it happens more often than not. I'm one person. I can't change the world alone...i can only change me. 

    As for now, with everything for the Army National Guard it's completely exhilarating  I love it. I love that it's pushing me emotionally; physically; and psychologically. I'm learning something new every day and in due time I will be more than I am. I'm so excited. And i have such a positive outlook on life that there's no stopping this momentum. I know that this is the best option for me. I know that tomorrow is never promised but now it gives me something to look forward too. I may not be the best christian in the world...but I love God with all my heart all my mind and all my soul. I fall short daily. I love til it hurts and I give when I have nothing. I've loved one man with a passion and a fire so deep and bright that I don't want to love another again. And i won't. I'm one woman who is on a mission to continually change herself and mold herself into the woman that God wants me to be. I'm not afraid of being hurt or being lonely because there is always someone with me. He loves me for me. I am a daughter of a might King. And thru my short comings and my failures he still loves me. This is who I am. You can either support me and pray for me or you can leave me be. But know that I'll be praying for you. Whether or not i know you. This is my truth. This is my certainty. This is my life. I may wander the world alone because i let that love slip away but know that I'd rather wander it alone than pretend to love someone who's in love with me. I will be great. I will conquer. I will Thrive. Maybe not here in West Virginia but I will be great wherever I am and wherever God leads me.

I spent a year and half being jealous of women who i thought took my place. And in some aspects they have.  but the good times being as good as they are, are what i remember. The pain is gone. I hurt comes and goes. But i know that in my heart of hearts that only time will tell. What will be will be. I don't want to keep doing what i've been doing just to keep getting what i get. As the wonderful Yoda would say: Do or do not...there is no try. SO I'm doing and sometimes i fail...but i'm not discouraged because i'm learning on the way.

The moment of truth...take me for who I am not what you see!