Over the last 48 hours my heart has been tugged and pulled and chastised and relieved and filled with doubt. There are so many things that we don't admit that we are doing that is wrong but we feel at the time that we need to do. It's one of those moments when you open your eyes and look around and don't realize that this could change your life. The decisions we make today have reprocussions tomorrow. I've done wrong but by the grace of God i have been forgiven. Yet, it's still the jury and the judge of people that we have to face when we are wrong. That has to be the hardest thing in the world for me right now. There have been some decisions i've made that i knew were wrong but now i'm standing at a the stand waiting for the answer of what is right and what is wrong. I know that I have an alcohol problem. I'm addressing that issue in me. i'm addressing my problem with dishonesty. No, I'm not saying that I lie all the time because i don't. i'm not good with dealing with my emotions and i have gotten to the point where i have to write or read the bible in order to get myself in check. it's a good way to be but still it's a process.
there's a song that I've been listening to it's called Come wake me up by Rascal Flatts
I can usually drink you right off of my mind
But I miss you tonight
I can normally push you right out of my heart
But I'm too tired to fight
Yeah the whole thing begins
And I let you sink into my veins
And I feel the pain like it's new
Everything that we were,
Everything that you said,
Everything that I did and that I couldn't do
Plays through tonight
Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
And I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
Come wake me up
Turn the TV up loud just to drown out your voice, but I can't forget
Now I'm all out of ideas and baby I'm down to my last cigarette
Yeah, you're probably asleep deep inside of your dreams while I’m sitting here crying and trying to see
Yeah, wherever you are baby now I am sure you moved on and aren't thinking twice about me
And you tonight
Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
I know that you're movin' on
I know I should give you up
But I keep hopin' that you'll trip and fall back in love
Time's not healin' anything
Baby, this pain is worse than it ever was
I know that you can't hear me, but baby I need you to save me tonight
Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
Come wake me up
Oh, I'm dreaming
Come wake me up
Oh, I'm dreaming
This song reminds me of everything that I've lost and things that i'm still losing. I'm not looking for a man to just see me as a piece of meat. I want a man that sees me as a woman who is strong yet, fragile. Someone that needs a hand everyone once in a while. Someone that can be strong sometimes but that she can't carry all the weight. I can be a superwoman for a while but than i need someone to be strong for me too. I thought that I lost grip of who I was in the midst of my trials when really i had just given up. I gave up on me. Yes, I am succeeding in some aspects but there are so many things in my heart that are never shown or expressed. I push people away. I sabotage relationships. I run from myself and I run from God. There has to be an end to my struggle and my running. There will always be problems in our lives that we have to take 3 minutes at a time. For me it's been like that since Sept 2012. I've picked up some good worthy qualities but i've also sacrificed myself in lew of what was going on. I wanted to come home and be loved by one man. I wanted to come home and know that I'm worth something. And that hope I had held onto for almost 2 years now seemed to have dwindled away. I admit that I was wrong. I admit that there was nothing good about what I was doing in order to find my way through this life. There isn't one day or one moment in the day that some part of me doesn't wish that i could change things. There were other times when I've been so drunk that it disappeared. is that good no. But it was one way that I had to deal with things hence the problem with the alcohol. i'm better now. I've said some hurtful things to people that I love. i've said things that I regret saying and of course pushed them farther away. I will be great in whatever i do. I will stand in whatever trial is coming now. I can admit it scares me to death but my power comes from a higher power. My power comes from the Lord. And had he not been there in my darkest hour who knows what would have happened. God is so good to me and i truly don't deserve his favor on me...but he's giving it. So when i think about admitting that we are wrong I know that it starts with us. WIth me. With whoever you are fighting within. Because our mind can change things. There's a quote that we use in the military that says " When the body shuts down the mind takes over" Pretty self explanitory. We can make or break our thoughts. we can choose to soar or fall. We can stand or crumble. Our mind is the strongest muscle we have and it can be a positive or a negative. So when you are wrong....Do you admit it and think that we can get away with it? or do we admit that we are wrong and try to bring the positives to the table when we know what the repercussions could be? This day you choose. Just like we can't serve two masters. Will you choose to be positive or Negative?
there's a song that I've been listening to it's called Come wake me up by Rascal Flatts
I can usually drink you right off of my mind
But I miss you tonight
I can normally push you right out of my heart
But I'm too tired to fight
Yeah the whole thing begins
And I let you sink into my veins
And I feel the pain like it's new
Everything that we were,
Everything that you said,
Everything that I did and that I couldn't do
Plays through tonight
Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
And I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
Come wake me up
Turn the TV up loud just to drown out your voice, but I can't forget
Now I'm all out of ideas and baby I'm down to my last cigarette
Yeah, you're probably asleep deep inside of your dreams while I’m sitting here crying and trying to see
Yeah, wherever you are baby now I am sure you moved on and aren't thinking twice about me
And you tonight
Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
I know that you're movin' on
I know I should give you up
But I keep hopin' that you'll trip and fall back in love
Time's not healin' anything
Baby, this pain is worse than it ever was
I know that you can't hear me, but baby I need you to save me tonight
Tonight your memory burns like a fire
With every one it grows higher and higher
I can't get over it, I just can't put out this love
I just sit in these flames and pray that you'll come back
Close my eyes tightly, hold on and hope that I'm dreaming
Come wake me up
Oh, I'm dreaming
Come wake me up
Oh, I'm dreaming
This song reminds me of everything that I've lost and things that i'm still losing. I'm not looking for a man to just see me as a piece of meat. I want a man that sees me as a woman who is strong yet, fragile. Someone that needs a hand everyone once in a while. Someone that can be strong sometimes but that she can't carry all the weight. I can be a superwoman for a while but than i need someone to be strong for me too. I thought that I lost grip of who I was in the midst of my trials when really i had just given up. I gave up on me. Yes, I am succeeding in some aspects but there are so many things in my heart that are never shown or expressed. I push people away. I sabotage relationships. I run from myself and I run from God. There has to be an end to my struggle and my running. There will always be problems in our lives that we have to take 3 minutes at a time. For me it's been like that since Sept 2012. I've picked up some good worthy qualities but i've also sacrificed myself in lew of what was going on. I wanted to come home and be loved by one man. I wanted to come home and know that I'm worth something. And that hope I had held onto for almost 2 years now seemed to have dwindled away. I admit that I was wrong. I admit that there was nothing good about what I was doing in order to find my way through this life. There isn't one day or one moment in the day that some part of me doesn't wish that i could change things. There were other times when I've been so drunk that it disappeared. is that good no. But it was one way that I had to deal with things hence the problem with the alcohol. i'm better now. I've said some hurtful things to people that I love. i've said things that I regret saying and of course pushed them farther away. I will be great in whatever i do. I will stand in whatever trial is coming now. I can admit it scares me to death but my power comes from a higher power. My power comes from the Lord. And had he not been there in my darkest hour who knows what would have happened. God is so good to me and i truly don't deserve his favor on me...but he's giving it. So when i think about admitting that we are wrong I know that it starts with us. WIth me. With whoever you are fighting within. Because our mind can change things. There's a quote that we use in the military that says " When the body shuts down the mind takes over" Pretty self explanitory. We can make or break our thoughts. we can choose to soar or fall. We can stand or crumble. Our mind is the strongest muscle we have and it can be a positive or a negative. So when you are wrong....Do you admit it and think that we can get away with it? or do we admit that we are wrong and try to bring the positives to the table when we know what the repercussions could be? This day you choose. Just like we can't serve two masters. Will you choose to be positive or Negative?
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