This past week has brought on a whole slew of eye-opening experiences. It has shown me truly the colors of people that i thought were roots on my tree...when in turn they turned out to be a good solid branch. I've been angry, upset, crazy, depressed, uplifted, humbled, loved and utterly blessed all in a 5 day period. I've been put down and discouraged; talked about and dehumanized and severely humiliated. We never know how strong we are until we get on our knees and pray. Though I feel like i've worked my head off this week...I've found myself praying more and more. And then the times when i'm blessed for no reason...i'm praying even more. I'm wanting to get in the word and wanting to stand up and wanting to continue to be me. I'm terrified of being alone. But i'd rather be alone and a little depressed than to be comfortable with someone who doesn't show love well. I'm not settling for anything less. I'm so much better than a booty call. And to some that may sound harsh and i'm not putting anyone on blast...but God has shown me what honor the temple is. If i go out and look for trash... that's what i'll get. But if i wait on him...He'll bring who i'm suppose to be with. It's only a matter of time. At this point the biggest favor that was ever paid to me was when I got divorce. Don't get me wrong i would have loved to spend forever with him. But it wasn't in the cards. And for the first time i can say that without hesitation. I've learned who I am thru the storm. I've learned how to pray. I've learned how to trust. I've learned how to love without getting it back. In it all I've found me. It's kind of a crappy way to do things but I've found more peace in my heart in the last week than i have ever felt from the first year that I was with him. And now, God is taking me to a place where i don't want to look back. Yes, the memories are nice, but I'm making memories. I've living life. I may be struggling and I may have almost nothing...but i don't need things. I don't need to find material things to make me happy. I can do this alone. And thru the good days and the bad days I will praise him. If I never get married again or have children I'm gonna praise him. Faith is the substance of things not seen. I may not be able to see God; yet, I feel him, I trust him, I know him. And though I sin everyday; The ground is level at calvary. My sin may be different than someone elses but that doesn't mean that he loves me any less. It doesn't mean he's not going to forgive me. As my pastor would say ' You worry about sweeping off your back porch and I'll worry about sweeping off mine.'
So whether I win...I'll praise Him. And whether I lose...I'll praise Him.
Be blessed!
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