Recollection

as I was sitting here reading some of my old poems that i'll be posting more than likely tomorrow...I just had a rush of remembering everything in my life. All the things i've done wrong and all the things that i've done right. I remember that writing was a way that i could soothe my soul. Why did i stop? Why did i turn to alcohol? Why did i not trust God enough to keep me close to me so that i could conquer the world?

There are so many reasons that we don't keep close to God but also there are so many reasons that we run away. Me, i'm the queen of running away. Right now in my life I'm striving and working my tail off to get into the US Army National Guard. That is my focus. That is what i'm working towards. I do have to say that if i put have of the effort that i did into everything else i'd be a whole lot better off. There are days and there are dreams that I've never pursued. One dream is that i will probably never have children. But there are so many children that need adopted that it'll be ok. I'll be able to give love to someone and care for them as much as i possibly can. Another is that I don't know if i'll ever be ready to get remarried. It's like in sweet home alabama when she's talking about giving her whole heart away and never getting it back. It's something thats not mine. yes it's my heart and it beats in my chest but there isn't a moment or a day that goes by that theres something that reminds me of what was. No i don't dwell on it but it's a constant reminder of why i gave them my heart in the first place. 

Anyway:

the truth of the matter is that no matter how far away from here i go...I'm going to keep writing. I'm going to keep soothing my soul. I'm gonna keep being me. If someone is jealous of that and why i love someone then it's not me thats the problem. it's something within themselves that proves that they are too unsure of the love to know that if he's not with me theres a good reason. it may not be a reason that is plausible. But we all make mistakes. If that means that i'm a single mother who adopts children so be it. It's not in my hands and when God tells me that it's time to really truly start healing and i know he will...then i'll truly be ready to be healed. 

Here's another poem that kind of fits this :

Poetry = infinite 

poetry on a page is the equivalency of a geometric shape
there are so many ways one can solve it,
but we find the easiest and quickest ones work best

but if poetry can be compared to a math problem
what is the point of poetry
it's the combination of words
feelings, 
thoughts, 
and the imagination
compiled into some for a rhythm and rhyme

poetry is not the 
who's who of  Hollywood
it's not the bully at a high school
it's not a memorization  of what we think
it's who we want to be all in a few stanzas.

poetry is the core
the heart
the one system that makes things work
it's how everyone can express themselves.

yet, if poetry is like a math problem,
why are the answers always infinite?