Faith is the daring of the soul to go farther than it can see...

I couldn't figure out why my heart has been feeling so empty...was it how i looked? Was it the choices I've made? Was my unbridled fear of being alone? The questions keep coming and in time it just gets to be too much. I wanted that once in a lifetime kind of love- with a once a upon a time kind of man...ya know, the ones that sweep you off your feet; do little things just to say they love you; ones that will dance around the kitchen while you're trying to do the dishes just to be silly....the ones that hold you everytime you cry. Yeah, I'll admit I wanted a fairy tale kind of man... and here i sit: I'm a single mom; divorced; living with family and who just barely has her head above water.  When i joined the Army, it was an eye opening experience. Yes, there was bunches and bunches of drama leading up to my leaving for basic and equally as much if not more once i came home 5.5 months later.  And then I had my son--who brightened my world in a way that I haven't seen in a long long time. it was a first love all over again. When people say you realize you can love someone you just met so much...it's true. My bright-eyed baby boy keeps me going.

       And on the flip side it's also made me not care about me. I was stuck in a rut that I just couldn't get out of. It was like time was escaping me and I was watching life pass me by, and when i'd blink i'd have no recollection of who; what; where; when or why.   It was a miracle that my depression never got the better of me. That I prayed that i could see life as a gift. it's a matter of chasing dreams. Dreams that I had wrapped up in someone I loved that I couldn't even think about pursuing because I was afraid. And now it's time for me....to be me. It's time for Netty to take back her spunkiness and just love the life i live. I ask myself: how can you teach/tell your son to pursue his dreams ( when he's older) if you aren't chasing your own dreams? Then the question is: Why did you quit singing? And it's still to this day a question that i can not answer. I've made a lot of bad choices in my years of being on my own. Thankfully, I'm bless with a sister who keeps me in check. And for that I am thankful! Some doors are meant to be shut...and when the right door is meant to be opened/the right time for the door to be opened...it will be opened. As for right now, I'm gonna keep being the beautiful mess that I am. It's about me and my little family. I will live and die for them. My son is my world; and I want to spend everyday that i can showing him how to keep faith in himself.

 

--Faith is the Daring of the SOUL to go FARTHER than it can see....

 

some new poems

Here are some poems I haven't taken the time to post...just too much going on
People are gonna talk/stalk and make my life a mockery.  My depression is real and I hate it. But writing gives me a chance to clear my head; to open my heart and just once break down my walls. I want people to see that just because I put on my brave face everyday doesn't mean I'm not hurting. Sometimes we all need someone to be strong for us.  We need that someone who will just cry with you. So please don't mock my pain for weakness because I'm taking it all in stride and keeping face for the sake of my son.

One more time 7/18/14

 I need
One last smile
One last kiss
One more night with my head on your chest
One more time to be in your arms
I need you to pretend you're mine...just one more time
You saw thru the walls I thought I had carefully built.
You knew my heart before you knew me
You saw the dreams before I spoke them to you
Somehow thru my pain you saw me
 I need
One last smile
One last kiss
One more night with my head on your chest
One more time to be in your arms
I need you to pretend you're mine...just one more time
As the years went on we fell apart
I took the easy way and I shattered your heart
You checked out when the truth came out...and we've been distant and sorry from the very start
I need
One last smile
One last kiss
One more night with my head on your chest
One more time to be in your arms
I need you to pretend you're mine...just one more time
 Just one more time I wanna pretend we are real.
One more touch to know my feelings for you are gone
Give me one more shot to prove I'm the one.....but who am I kidding.... I'm not the one
I need
One last smile
One last kiss
One more night with my head on your chest
One more time to be in your arms
I need you to pretend you're mine...just one more time

What is Love? 6/12/14

I didnt know what true love was
Til the day that I looked into your eyes
You captivated me with a gaze that searched my soul
Then suddenly the world changed around me
And I felt like I was ten feet off the ground

What is love?
Its the neverending hope that keeps you holding out for the good
What is love?
Its the breathlessness you feel when those arms you get wrapped up and that you dont want to let go
Cause you feel inside your heart that your soul will fall apart if you cant keep them close to you....
What is love?

One little kiss....set my heart ablaze in A handful of joy that cant be express
You had faith in me....to do what I couldnt see
By the means of a dream you completed me

What is love?
An excuse to sleep all day cuddled up keeping each other warm
What is love? A vow thats deeply made to promise to never let you go
Cause you feel inside your heart that your soul will fall apart if you cant keep them close to you....
What is love?
Its the same today as it was yesterday it just grows more...and more....

What is love?
Its the painful goodbye
When the tears that you've cried stain your cheeks
What is love?
Its the beginning and the end of a life that began with a smile
And you know now what love is....it keeps you hanging on...
What is love?
The memories made of the hurt and the pain that cleave you together...
I know now....that's what love is.

To the one that I love....one last letter to you

My love,

the questions keep piling up on why we should hold on.
What is there to hold onto....why is everything so messed up and wrong?
I never wanted to leave your side.
but you got too close.
too close to the secrets i've kept
to close for me to let you know.
With every ounce of my being theres residual hate for myself
a hate that is the remnants of past mistakes that I can't change
I want to make excuses up; lying is easy.
But deep down i know the truth and i'm sorry that I hurt you.
there's no greater fear in life then the fear of being alone
and yes there is my son to consider...but what happens when he's grown?
He'll always be my son. But he will not always be by my side.
I cant think straight for all the things i want to tell you. The thunder is rumbling the windows and i'm distracted by the calmness the oncoming storm brings me.
Remember when i was afraid of the thunder? That was so long ago!
The times that we would sit on the porch and just listen to the rain on the tin roof
Or the times that I'd wake up from a nightmare and you'd just pull me into your arms and tell me i'm safe?
Those were the times. the times that i'll never forget.
Now I get to hold my little miracle in my arms in the storms.
But now...i am searching for the little piece of me that is still alive without you.
How do I accept myself; being me without you? We were a force to be reckoned with....and i let it just fall apart on fear.
i want to say that somewhere in my heart that i don't love you...and maybe it's more apparent than I like to believe. I want to believe that I can bounce back and start a life with someone new. That I can love  them just as much if not more that what i ever felt for you....but its not working.
Everytime I turn around theres something that reminds me of you. When i'm far away all i think about is you. When i go to bed and when i wake up you are the first thought in my head.
And after all this time i'm still praying that i'll wake up next to you. You've always been my man. even when you weren't. In my head you were still mine.

But now it's time. It's time to part ways. we were once travelling in the same direction and now we're going in two different directions. Goodbyes are never easy. And so I won't say goodbye. But i'm not willing to wait any longer for the rain in the desert. I can only leave you with this. 
So Long...Good Luck....I love you forever and always.

Living thru him 4/14/14

While the sun rises around me...
the cool drifts away.
the fog starts to get lifted
the tears dissipate
I couldn't have asked for a better
way to wake up today
than to know that my God and Savior
has granted me another day

I've been through all the heartache
the pain and all the strife
i've been thru the fiery furnace
i've lost my way thru the night
yet still to this day
there's one who's always there
and I am not so worthy
of all that he has given

Today is a new day
the sun may not shine
but still we are breathing
and still granted more time
take things more seriously
we only get one chance to live
living life to the fullest is great
but living life is greater
when we live it thru Him

I may not be perfect
my sins are different than yours
i still put my pants on one leg at a time
i still drool and i snore
But i know the one who came before me
is still making a way
for me to see the sunshine
thru all my darkened days

Today is a new day
the sun may not shine
but still we are breathing
and still granted more time
take things more seriously
we only get one chance to live
living life to the fullest is great
but living life is greater
when we live it thru Him


 

Things changed and a look in my heart

In hopes of waiting til my little minion makes his grand appearance, there has still been tons of things going on. Besides unnecessary drama, I'm trying to cope with being a single mother.  One that every corner I turn seems to just slap me in the face with another reason why I could consider adoption.  Don't misunderstand me I love my son. But right now I'm grappling with being a burden to those that have blessed me and that have brought me thru some difficult times. I believe they deserve more than to have to take on myself and my son.  I wrote this poem called: things change. Its the last one I'm gonna write about loving and losing.  I feel like that's all I've had when ive put myself in those positions to lose everything.  In the end, I'm the one to blame. Bit thank goodness for having a savior who loves me so much that he wants to heal and mend my brokenness. So this is for the one I love! I'm so sorry for breaking your heart and your trust.  I pray youll forgive me.

I walked out the door
As the tears streamed down my face
I didnt think goodbye would come so fast
Just moments ago I was wipin your tears
Holding you close telling you ill always be near

Things changed on that rainy day
When the street lights glistened on the pavement
I stood on the sidewalk
Beggin you not to do it
The time came when we said goodbye while the the tears streamed down my face
I was just an image in the rear view growing smaller as you drove away...

We have our fights most everyone does
We've been so good then we come undone
A single kiss I placed on your lips
As the baby kicked inside of me
who knew walking away would cause me so much pain

Things changed on that rainy day
When the street lights glistened on the pavement
I stood on the sidewalk
Beggin you not to do it
The time came when we said goodbye while the the tears streamed down my face
I was just an image in the rear view growing smaller as you drove away...

Tough love is what you wanted to give me to help me learn how to love.
In the end it only caused us to look for love in all the wrong places
There's a baby on the way now and I dont know of he is yours... all I know is today marked the day I finally walked away....

Things changed on that rainy day
When the street lights glistened on the pavement
I stood on the sidewalk
Beggin you not to do it
The time came when we said goodbye while the the tears streamed down my face
I was just an image in the rear view growing smaller as you drove away...

No matter where I am... I'm still waiting for you...but only time will tell me this one thing : things change

give me the stars

Years have past
I thought I'd be okay
Making your life miserable
it'd make the hurt go away
but still to this day
i'm lost without a clue
of how i'm suppose to go on living
this life without you
the stars have changed positions
the colors seem to fade
I sit here restless
needing something to say
all I want right now
is to see you face to face
to see the world thru your eyes
to hopefully find some truth
I wanted to see the world with you
and now things have changed
all I want is to see the stars one more time
with you...hand and hand
I thought that thru the years
that revenge would ease the pain
instead i'm just more empty
more distressed; more dead
although a child grows deep inside my womb
i'm still feel like something is missing
that person/thing is you
the stars have changed positions
the colors seem to fade
I sit here restless
needing something to say
all I want right now
is to see you face to face
to see the world thru your eyes
to hopefully find some truth
I wanted to see the world with you
and now things have changed
all I want is to see the stars one more time
with you...hand and hand
please understand i'm sorry
for the pain that I brought on you
I was naïve and wreckless
I wanted you to feel the pain I felt
no gimmicks anymore
no hate no forgive me's
just know that i'm sorry
i'm still learning how to live....
the stars have changed positions
the colors seem to fade
I sit here restless
needing something to say
all I want right now
is to see you face to face
to see the world thru your eyes
to hopefully find some truth
I wanted to see the world with you
and now things have changed
all I want is to see the stars one more time
with you...hand and hand
just give me the stars...
just one more time!

 

one last thing

There have been so many times within the last 3 years where i've stood up and i've taken the blame for things that I didn't do. There have been so many times where i let my name go due to slander because maybe i didn't do all the right things. But i'll be damned if anyone calls me a slut now! I don't stand behind anyone. I don't rely on God because I know that I"m not worthy of his grace and yet he's blessed me. Sitting here and being told that i'm a liar and that my in laws know about everything thats happened and that my ex husband hates me. That people warn me when him and his "girlfriend" are around because they think that i should stand in the shadows and cower. I don't think so. I'm one person i'm not gonna stop being me and run away because thats what people want me to do. I'm an not a push over. I have a boyfriend who loves me. Why in the world am I gonna go sleeping around? I don't have to explain my life to anyone. NO ONE KNOWS WHO I AM AND WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?

   As for my ex husband...hopefully youll figure out the truth and you'll get your head out of your butt. You can do whatever you want and tell whatever lies you want to tell go ahead and keep telling them. I'm stronger than you think i am and i'll continue to survive with my son with out you!

One last thing

that girl that you love so much...go after her....you guys are perfect for each other.