Where is the reason why?

Where is the sunshine inside my heart?
Why is it now I'm falling apart?
I walk around and act like toy don't exist
Yet deep in my heart the ache persists.
I was your wife friend your cherished one
The one who brought u joy when no one could.
On those rainy days we'd hold each other close
On those cold nights you stayed by my side.
I'm not perfect but I was perfect for you
And now I don't exist I'm just a burden a woman you used to know.
And though in my heart the hurt is going away.
You cheated on me too and why didn't u stay?
She stays when you lied and she treated you like shit.
I walked away cause you didn't push for me to stay
We could have fixed it. If you weren't afraid to try.
And now all I can do is ask myself a sad and lonely why!

God gave me you

God gave me you
1/5/14

A flutter in my belly was all that I could feel
The day I saw you move made me believe that you were real.
You woke me up constantly for those 3 am snacks
Which was ok with me cause I found the best friend I never had.
My belly grew bigger and my fears grew less
You were growing just fine and I counted myself blessed
But when the moment changed when your life was in the line
The pain of loss consumed me I waited for the worse
But there's this strength within me that's not ready for birth.
Now you are still growing and I'm trying to stand tall
With every kick,  punch and flip flop you remind me why I have to stand strong.
I'm not gonna be the perfect mother and you won't be the prefect son.
But I'm willing to fight for your life now in the womb;  outside of the womb and for your continuance of freedom.
I thought I loved another note than I loved you....
But you are my little miracle my blessing my heart and I'm blessed God gave me you. 

Tell me why?

I wanna remember how it feels to be held close
To have the gentle kisses on my neck
I wanna be held in Arms so loving they won't let me go
Instead of this old t shirt to comfort me

I want to know why you truly left
Why you've drug me along for all this time
Why did you love me like you did when you were mine
But only behind closed doors?

Tell me why?
Tell me how?
Tell me when is my life going to start without you
Show me now... What you want of me
Either love me or let me go
But please tell me.

Remember those long car rides leading no where
And goofy things we used to do
Remember making love under the stars on the side of the road
Cause we could wait to get home
Remember when we were us....
Now the times have changed and we've grown apart
We act like we never were anything
I'm sorry but I can't lie to my heart...
You complete me your the other half of by heart....

Tell me why?
Tell me how?
Tell me when is my life going to start without you
Show me now... What you want of me
Either love me or let me go
But please tell me.

Either love me or let me go
But either way....
Please tell me....

The girl in the mirror

That girl in the mirror
She doesn't know who she is
Thru the painted smile she wears
She's not sure when her life should begin
With brokenheart she carries
She knows her world's in disarray
So she's just trying to find her true smile today.

Her eyes have dark circles
from where she cries all night
Make sets on the counter waiting to see what face she wants to shine
Her words are full of hate from the pain that's been inflicted
There's no joy in the woman she gazes at.

That girl in the mirror
She doesn't know who she is
Thru the painted smile she wears
She's not sure when her life should begin
With brokenheart she carries
She knows her world's in disarray
So she's just trying to find her true smile today.

From the tears in the shower
To the flat iron she runs thru her hair
The outfit she picks shows the world that she's not scared
But between the horrid lies that roll from his lips
She torn between forgiving him and burning that bridge

Ooh girl there's so much more to the world than this
So much more you can be
Faith is the Darin to see the unseen you gotta find the beauty deep within the woman you want to be....

That girl in the mirror
She doesn't know who she is
Thru the painted smile she wears
She's not sure when her life should begin
With brokenheart she carries
She knows her world's in disarray
So she's just trying to find her true smile today.
Can she find her smile....today?

Dilemna

Im sittin here pondering
On which road I should take
Which for do I choose this time
Which will change my fate.
Do I say I love you
And beg you to come back
Do I tell your loving gf
That your ruin your guys' life
I was considered the cheater
I shattered the hearts
I took advantage of the kindness
That ripped us apart
Well let me tell u something
About what's on my heart
Tell u of my heartache and pain inside my heart
Id tell u that lying isnt getting your way
Being the cheater in secret makes you want to play the game
Dont forget I was the cheater
I did everything wrong
But this is what id say about my dilemna
If I could tell your girlfriend what was going on

Oh the updates:

Well, I haven't updated since i was in ait...or maybe right after i got home. There has been so much going on it's not funny. We all do dumb things when we least expect it. We all make mistakes and go back to people we know are bad for us. and in result we get sucked right back into the same old drama and hurts that we had walked away from. Basic training was a blessing in disguise. It was challenging; hard; mentally stressful; physically demanding and tiresome. When i got back from basic in july i was down a total of 115 lbs. taking me to my lowest weight since ive been since i was in middle school.  well you know how i loved my alcohol. one thing led to another and the first 3 weeks that i was home i spent it being drunk everyday. Well if the drinking wasn't enough, I got  pregnant. So now i'm 7 weeks pregnant. A miracle within it's self. yes, i don't know for 100% who the childs father is. But it doesnt matter. I will survive and my baby will be loved.

I think thats all the news in an flash. As my pregnancy progresses i'll keep you all posted.

4 Months Gone 18 Days left

Phillipians 4:13- I can do all things through Christ which giveth me strength.


I started on this journey in Dec of 2012. I didn't know what I was getting myself into and i didn't know how I was going to make it through. But somehow by the grace of God I did it. I spent from Dec 13th Last year til March 5th drinking my life away. One drink at a time...trying to forget the hurt that was all around me. With every cigarette i watched as minutes were taken off of my life and it would be time that I would never get back. I was so excited about joining that I lost sight of the other things in my life. I was 25 years old; divorced; broke; but someone managed to make it. I know/knew God but i wasn't willing to listen. I was on a one way path of destruction to make my ex husband hurt more than I was hurting. In the end however, I was hurting myself.

When March 5th rolled around and it was time for me to leave for Basic Training I suddenly got scared. I was ready for the unknown but terrified at what i might find on my way down this road. I didn't want to see how deep the rabbit hole got but i couldn't pull myself away. I looked to be the one that was out of sight out of mind. That didn't work out so well. Seeing as I am a Southern from West Virginia and I'm black...it made things a little bit more difficult. The name gave it away. Basic training was harder in more mental ways than anything. It was a struggle daily to keep my head up; to be positive ; to be motivated. But with some amazing battle buddies...i got through. I graduated. I passed my PT test. I did my 16 K. I got through it. Those are the ones that I want to go to war with. The ones that I know in their hearts that they are going to be there and have my back just like i have theirs. Thats  the kind of loyalty I'm looking for. I'm looking for the one i can count on no matter what odds are against us. Thats what being a Soldier is about. There are so many things to say but we'll have to take them one step at a time.
For now. it's to the point i've been away from home for 4 months to the day. I'm ready to get back home and make a difference in my community. I'm ready to be deploy and defend the country that I love.
I'm ready to be the 1% that defends this nation.

The Lord has brought me to it...and He's still bringing me through it.

Be blessed ya'll!