summer love

I find myself waiting
for a simply good morning text
to know that you're thinking of me
so i don't have to stress
those texts don't come anymore
and my heart just aches
wishing i could have changed things
wish i didn't make that mistake
You'd tell me i was beautiful
That i lit up your world
that you liked where we were going
that i was your girl
and now i sit here pining
wondering what went wrong
waiting on a miracle
and hope thats come and gone
there is no rhyme or reason
on when we fall in love
the time may not be perfect
we may not fit like a glove
but in my heart i know that
you felt the spark too
that your soul was set aflame
like mine
that you were me and I was you
But now i sit here in the darkness
knowing you won't call
knowing i won't cuddle you
that you have moved on
just know that as these tears fall
that you are on my mind
this summer love is fleeting
that joyous time in gone

Insecurities At Its Best/What is beauty

I've had a lot of time lately to do some soul searching. Maybe you can call it an epiphany; maybe we can call it fate. There's huge shift in what we see as beautiful. There's a gigantic norm that is coming about that I'm not on board with. I hope that you can bear with me while I try to sort thru my thoughts because Lord knows i get on my own little rants. hehe.

Okay, so...there's this guy and for the sake of this post and leaving things anonymous we'll say that his name is Fred. Probably one of the best people I know. And deep down and for a while there have been some underlying questions that I wanted to find out. And ya'll if you know me, you know that I'm obnoxious and boisterous and sometimes overbearing! (Yup, I can admit that!) We became fast friends and have been friends up until we tried the whole dating thing and it was a BIG HUGE FLOP! And that's my fault. I'm trying my best not to bring up bad blood or for anyone of you to look at him in a manner that is negative because it wasn't all his fault BUT, my ex husband did a number on my head. They say that physical abuse is devastating and that you can heal but the wounds but the mentality that you keep once you have been....is taxing on the mind. With that being said mind games are 100 times worse than than physical. It took me almost 4 years to get to the point where I am today...and yet, anyone that could be remotely special and a good person to me i find ways to sabotage that relationship. I find ways subconsciously to damage my chances with someone because I'm afraid if they break down my walls they are going to hurt in the same manner that I was hurt...and my thinking is 'they can't hurt me if I hurt them first!"  THAT IS WRONG! I am not perfect. I have tired and tried to find avenues to not hurt people and I do. Fred is AMAZING! He is every bit a gentleman and has the heart to go with it. Well i can kiss that relationship goodbye.
      When I look in the mirror I see the broken me. I see the one who cries herself to sleep. The one that breaks hearts; i see the one who is striving so hard to be whatever anyone else sees....that she doesn't truly love herself. I see a woman who longs for one night to be held in a mans arms because she's numb to the fact that she's not good enough. I see the stretch marks and the wrinkles....the saggy boobs...the obesity....I see the UGLY in me. There are few people that can handle me when i'm depressed and for those people I am grateful for. I would spend my time looking at the bottom of a bottle rather than to face it and reach deep within to figure out what causes my depression. I have been losing friends daily because they don't like how i do things or they think that i'm too blunt. News flash....then you weren't really my friend to begin with. I am so unsure of myself that i can fake a smile and I can go thru the motions...thats easy. Those things are easy. I just take out my paintbrush and paint on the face i want people to see and everyone sees the strength in me. I don't. I don't see how someone that is so broken can be strong! The thing about that is I don't have a bad life. I have an amazing family. I have the best friends in the world I have  beautiful son who lights up my world. But when I hear: just look at your son...he can get you out of the depression. He's not the problem. you need to stop whoring around or keep your legs shut....don't have a man...get right with God.....and I'm right back where I started. The tears seem to be endless...the mending of my heart seems to be on hold. My faith is waning. I fight my battles alone because up until recently i couldn't trust anyone to fight them with me.

So i ask you: What is beauty?
Beauty is having a broken heart and still moving forward.
Beauty is fighting your own insecurities and not letting the depression get you
Beauty is letting that man into your heart to love you the way you deserve
Beauty is just being you. 

The Ballad of a Single Mother

To whom it may concern,

    Today marks the day that I took off work to have an R&R day. I probably should have went to work to make the money needed to take care of my son, however, I also realized that IF i don't take care of myself than I am no good to my son. How can I be a great mother when I'm short and irritable with my child? How can i help him soar if I'm too tired to look up educational games for him to play? How can i be an effective parent when I would rather pass him off the babysitter because the depression hits so hard that a bottle of liquor is the remedy?  The truth is, I can't! I can't watch my son fail in his life because I'm the one that's struggling to make ends meet. I can't sit and ignore my son because I'm trying to keep my overly emotional self under wraps while he just wants to curl up in my arms and wants me to hold him close.

But here's what i can do. I can take one day out of my busy schedule between working a full time job and being in the military to relax and get house work done so our house feels like a home. I can dump out that bottle of liquor I have in the freezer to avoid the temptation. I can spend the day doing things to make our lives better since I am in the mommy and daddy role. I can find an avenue to conquer my own insecurities one step at a time. Those are the things that i can do.

Now to all of you that watch how I raise my son:

THE STRUGGLE IS REAL!!! We single mom's have a challenge that no man or single person in this world can understand. We have a world to give to our children and most of time don't have the means to do it. Yes, sometimes we look a hot mess. In my case that is normal. I've struggled with trying to get my sons father to come into his life and I've failed. I've failed because there's a hurt between him and I that cannot be replaced; but here's the good news....WHO CARES! I refuse to talk bad about my sons father because he was someone dear to my heart. I refuse to think that all men are deadbeats because every man has his own reasoning and his own story that he is writing. I refuse to dwell on what broke up my relationship with the man that i loved so dearly. But I will not sit back and watch him walk in and out of our sons life. This is the hardest part about the struggle. BE there or NOT. There's no in between. There's no if ands or buts about what should be right and shouldn't be right. It's not my life or my heart that is being broken because i hung that hurt up a long time ago. Please understand though that we all have skeletons in the closet. We are have the secrets that we don't want anyone to know about and we all the hurt that can't ever be fixed.

       Ready for the good news? We are SURVIVORS. We can conquer and adapt to any situation because we know what it's like to watch the world judge is by the actions that we have made. WE understand the struggle and bad reps that we have because we had children out of wedlock or in results of divorce. The options are for us to walk into the world and take it by the horns and wrangle, wrestle and fight with every ounce of our being. This is the time that we prove to the world that though we might get assistance from the state that we are amazing WOMEN! We are the makers of our own universe and in such it is our job to stand up tall and take over. Don't worry Ma, it's gonna hurt and you are gonna cry...DO IT. Cry it out. If we hide  our emotions from our kids than yes we are protecting them but we aren't teaching them that it's ok to be sad. It's ok to be hurt. It's ok to fail. The harder we are on ourselves the more damage ( in my own opinion) is done. We got this!


Here's what not to do:

Girl, everyone loves to have that man or woman around that makes things that much easier and of course who doesn't love a booty call? We are wrong for that. We are wrong to think that having a man or having a woman in our lives is going to fix all of our problems. Most of the time we just complicate things. And trust me, I'm not judging...I preaching at my ownself because I have a habit of doing the same thing. The only love that can be found in a situation of man jumping is self loathing and infatuation. It's that temporary high that we all need to feel good about ourselves and to give us encouragement but in the end we are left broken and shatter with no hope and back to the bottle we go. Let's hang that up! It's time to start by loving ourselves. it's time to love who we are and not what someone else can do for us. It's time that we open our pretty eyes and see our beauty and self worth. Ya never know what you'll become when you have an inward change---guess what? that change shows on the outside and there's nothing more beautiful that to see a woman who LOVES herself in a manner that her genuine heart shows on the outside in how she carries herself; loves her kids; and how she treats people.  So in all I leave you with this wonderful quote from Rabindranath Tagore:
Beauty is truth's smile when she beholds her own perfect face.



Be strong my single momma's! your time to shine is coming....and it starts with you!


Signed,

A confident Single MOM

Hard Dose of Reality

The Truth

I waited so long to know what love felt like again. I watched everyone around me fall in love and get married and the only thing I had received was a child born out of wedlock to a woman who wasn't supposed to be able to have kids. My little miracle; my Malaki Jordan waltzed into my world and took it by storm. A love that I had prayed for for so many years was finally in my arms. He brought out the good and bad that I had seen in my ex husband and warped my world into one that was full of joy and unconditional love.

  This is a love that everyone talks about. There's no greater love in this world than the unconditional love from a child and yet while holding my child I felt part of me was still empty. I toyed around and did my own thing for a while and then there he was. There was the man that I could trust to hold my heart in his hand and not crush it; the man that was strong and handsome and all the wonderful things a gentleman should be.

He stole my heart once and I let him get away and then i captured him again. He he the things that i could tell him and the way that i was feeling there was no stopping me from being with this man. I lost him twice and i wasn't about to lose him again

Here's the kicker....A fish that doesn't want to be caught will avoid the hook...but a fish that is willing to take the bait is a fish worth keeping.

I say that very candidly. I was caught; in love; smitten; head over heels; i was stuck! I have loved one other as much as i love that man and still to this day there isn't a moment that goes by that i don't wonder. I want to have him close to me to be near to me and to love only me. I was willing to move 1200 miles away from any of my family in order to be with him. Thats love! Love isn't about the distance it's about the connection and I would think that after 2 years of an on and off relationship that maybe just maybe it was time to make things serious. A once in a lifetime kind of love come with a lot of things : teamwork; faith; trust; hope; encouragement...etc all the wonderful fruits of the spirit are found in a once in a lifetime. Now, I've loved but never in my life have I ever been treated in a way that made me feel wanted and needed and so much more. I watched my son play and laugh and not be afraid because he knew that he loved me....which to anyone that knows  Ki he don't like any man around me. 

Hard dose of reality-

some things don't change in a relationship and some things do. Some times we watch the world through another persons eyes and we wait to see what their next move is. Earlier this week I had the phone call that shattered my heart all over again. A phone call that crippled me to the point of wanting to run away to where he was and try to reason with him.  Family is always a big thing. It's always something that can make or break a relationship; I wanted to include him in mine but i was really no part of his and in the end it ripped us apart. I watched my heart go from soaring and happy to dark and depressed. It wasn't so much the breaking up that was the part that hurt. It was the fact that family talked someone out of building a home and a family of their own in order to correct their own mistakes...I was the one who lost. I've lost so much this week alone and yes, someone always has is worse off and I'm not saying that I'm a whiny baby but this week I was. I felt like my heart stopped; i couldn't breath; i wanted to drink myself into a stupor and not come out of it. And i resisted. I fought and clawed and have cried more than i want to admit. And then the doubt came in....the questions swarmed through my head like bolts of lightning and I was slipping into a depression so deep that had it not been for great friends i wouldn't have come out of it. A broken bone would have been so much better than to have had to deal with having a broken heart.

The Good News

   I have wallowed in so much self pity that I couldn't see straight but here's what I've learned:

1. I'm a beautiful vivacious woman who has so much going for her that no one can  stop the progress

2. I'm a mother to a miracle of a little boy that i call my son and his unconditional love is all that I need.

3. Take time to heal and love myself. because while i see the negative in myself someone could be sweeping up the pieces the the shattered heart that is before then because they see who I am.

4. Trust God. God has a plan and a purpose for everything ( Jeremiah 29:11) 

5. Don't ever stop smiling. though things hurt and you are down don't stay down for long. I will one day soar by just being the mess of a woman that I am. And that's OK with me

6. Don't shut people out. We have friends for a reason. We have hope for a reason. There's nothing that a chick flick and junk food can't fix and those that are willing to hold you when you are crying are the ones that can also wipe away your tears. It's not about how you start but how you finish. I'd much rather go out with my boots on then to say that I laid down and died. this is my story to be written and I will continue to write it the best that i can. 

7. Don't be afraid to love again. (self explanatory)

I hope that those that think that I won't recover know that i'm gonna make it. I'm gonna get up each morning and Thank God for another day. i'm gonna be better and i don't want him to think that I ca't do it alone but I want him to know that no matter what I love him with all that I am. If he finds someone better so be it. I will continue to keep on keeping on and loving my little family even though we're broken. The broken part means that we can be mended and thats what i'm gonna do. I'm gonna mend my family starting with me.

---Be Blessed-----

Turning Pages

Turning the pages
It's easier now,
The pain is subsiding
My feet are on the ground
The days seem more joyful
The tears have gone away
I'm making those steps
To enjoy everyday
I love you at one point
But the time has passed
you broke my heart completely
I couldn't believe it
When i was ready to leave
You didn't come after me
You just let things be
But this is my anthem
And I will succeed
I go and be more
Than the things i wanted to be
Your book has ended
The power is gone
My hope is restored
in the eyes of my son
You were vital
To the shaping of who I am
Yet, time as time goes on
Your not even a friend
Today is the day
When i open my eyes
I open my mind
I will survive
So take you own copy
Of what was you and me
Do what you will with it
because my heart
belongs to me
I thank you so much
for showing me what a man isn't
For showing me to never settle
in the heat of the moment
Take those pages
I'll sign your book
This is the last page in our history
So please take a look
Look at all the good things
Look at all the bad
Don't tell me that you're sorry
Because that sentiment
is all you had.
Just one more tear
will i ever shed for you
it's the one of goodbye good luck
take your book
And let me through
This is the start of my new life
the one that you're not in
the one that will be amazing
the one that makes me grin
Our son will be well cared for
He completes my world.
And as this last page is
finished
I turn it knowing that
my future is secure

Fighting thru depression

There's a calmness in silence. There's this neverending ache that fills the void and quiets our hearts. Maybe it's an empty room; a walk down the street; a babbling brook...the possibilities are endless. I haven't quite mastered the art of concealment. I find that everyday there is one more thing added to my already overflowing plate and I'm personally not sure how much more I can take.


      The verse of the day is : Ephesians 3:20-21 it says:   Now unto him that is able to do exceeding and abundantly above all that we sk or think, according to the power the worketh in us, Unto him be glory in the church by Christ Jesus throughout all ages, world without end. Amen

I have been fighting the demons of jealousy; abandonment; hate; unworthiness; unrest; unloved and guilty. My depression has been at an all time high and i still manage to keep a smile and take care of my son the best that I can yet, when he's asleep and the whole house is sleeping thats when the tears start to fall. I'm in a home where i'm loved and taken care of and still i feel on the outside...which don't get it twisted is not my family's fault. It's mine. It's the constant prescence that i'm not good enough looming over my head and i know that I'm doing the best that i can do. there are times when I look at my failed marriage and think...were things really that bad? Did i really love him? Am I always going to feel this way about anyone that i take those steps with? And once those thoughts set in it becomes this never ending barriage of how i can be better but if I become better than i shouldn't trust someone...not even God because why would he allow things to be so difficult and why this season that you're in be so long...

I don't talk about my struggles with my depression because i don't want to believe that i have it. I don't want to say that i've been altered or i'm broken. Most days i don't want to get out of bed. I sit and wonder why my sons father doesn't want to be in his life...and the cycle starts all over again. There is such a thing as true love...it's found in Jesus Christ. I know this. I've felt it. But sometimes it's so hard when everything around you is so dark and dank to find the motivation to look up.

Please don't take this the wrong way...i'm not crying out for help...i'm acknowledging the fact that I am blessed to have people in my life willing to pick me up when i can't find my way. I don't talk about church or God much anymore...but i do know that without the blessings of the believers and prayer warriors around me. When i'm having a bad day there are people constantly lifting me up; i have the love a child who melts my aching heart; there's the reassurance that God is always with me and even when i don't deserve it he is constantly standing by my side.

Galatians 5:22-23New International Version (NIV)
²² But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, ²³ gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.

So let me encourage you...Depression is real. it's a real problem that not many people talk about. I used to go to alcohol and there are still moments that I struggle not to. But i'm constantly a work in progress. Some people will tell you: "you're fine. you'll get over it. It's just a phase. You're just seeking attention. They were never good for you in the first place, I don't know why you can't just cut your losses and walk away...." The list goes on and on... I've heard them all. I've lost friends that were supposed to be my best friends. I've walked away from the man that I love because i didn't trust him. And this may sound like i'm a horrible mother but there have even been times when I want to walk away from my son and let someone else give him a better life. You are not alone. Things may not always be the way that you'd like them to be but know that there is a light in the darkness. There is hope in love and God with stick closer to you than a brother. 

I've learned the only way to get out of the depression is:

1. talk about it. It's easier to cry on someones shoulder and let out your frustrtations than to hide away and let the wounds fester.

 

2. Seek help. I was always told if you need help ask for it. simple enough? not really. We feel that if we are asking for help than we are weak. But it's the opposite...if we are seeking help then we are admitting that we have a problem....all we need now is a solution.

 

3. Don't be afraid to let someone in. My own heart is still broken. But THANK GOD there are people willing to pick up one piece at a time to help me deal with things. A loving heart is a healing heart.

 

4. Talk to God. If none of the ones above work for you...talk to God. He already knows whats going on and he's already with you. The Holy  Spirit is calming and is willing to wrap you up in such a way that no one can replace this. God is omnipresent. He'll walk through the darkness with you and carry you when you can't find your way.

 

5. Love Yourself. before we can love other people....we have to love ourselves. The healing starts inside.... love you. you are a beautiful person. don't ever forget that!

 

 

In close, don't be afraid. I almost made a temporary problem a permanent solution. but Thank you Jesus that i've found so much more to live for.

 

be blessed!

 

A twist of the truth-

We all have demons- some are harder to fight than others. We all have weaknesses especially when it comes to people that we supposedly "care" about. I've been fighting this battle between my heart; my soul and my brain about one person and i'm sure everyone knows who that is. So why if you "care" about someone would you blatantly lie to their face instead of just saying hey i'm not interested any more. Not only that why would you let them be around you when your talking trash behind their back....yep doesn't make sense to me. There's no point to lying to someone to get your way. As it was put to me stop using "our child" as a bullying tactic. The funny thing is- he isn't leverage. He's a human being in baby form at the moment. He was created in love and he's a miracle nontheless. When I look at my son i see childhood filled with love and heartbreak. not because his momma is around but because his father isn't. But thank God that he has brought a role model into his life that loves him very much. His father loved him once too...I believe in my heart he still does. But since i'm his mom...My little man may never see his father again. Just note: when you want to lie to someone make sure they don't know people that knew you before the time that there was craziness. Plus lying does nothing but makes you look like an idiot....

So here's what i've learned:

1. Love yourself
There's no harder task in this world than to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and believe that you are destined to be somebody. Don't lose faith in that. You will always be somebody to someone who's willing to go the extra mile with you.

2. Don't let any man or woman dictate who you have to be
Who cares if your a little bit of an over achiever or that you snort when you laugh or sometimes that you like to just sit by yourself and keep to yourself...you are the way you are for a reason and if someone loved you enough they wouldn't try to change you to be someone who they want you to be.

3. Don't ever settle
Yea, he's good looking and he's funny but he does this thing when he chews that makes you want to punch him in the face...lol. Maybe an extreme example but don't settle. God is looking out for your best interest. It's ok to have standards of what you'd like in a man. Just means that you are striving for someone that is what you truly want. Just be careful with that list...if the list is too obnoxious you'll spend your whole life searching for the perfect someone and news flash- aint no body in this world perfect.

4. Don't give up
Things are going to be hard especially if you're going thru a heartbreak. But just hold fast because in due time it will all get better. you'll find the person you've always dreamed of...now he may not be the exact perfect prince out of fairy tale but close enough. It's always darkest before the dawn. Don't ever lose faith in finding love..because one day you will and it'll sweep you off your feet so quick you won't know what to do.