How can i remember to forget

Ever have those moments when you do something that you truly think that you want to do and in the end you feel like nothing but a piece of ass?

YUP ME TOO! It's crazy to think that time can stand still for a single moment and everything feels perfect and then there's this warning going off in your head telling you that you're a complete idiot.

That seems to be an everyday occurrence for me. I gripe about not being able to keep a relationship...when the one I love is 1200 miles away. The one i want is 2 hours away....and the one i hang with is 5 minutes away. This alone makes me sound like a 'loose' woman but thats not the case.

I've come to realize that my heart is too big. I fall fast and I fall hard because i give all of who i am to the ones that make me feel safe. Love is a very scewed kind of emotion...action... it's something that most people cling to in order to feel something...no wait thats infatuation.

Either way no matter how's it's broken down there are still those moments that make everything feel so good and so real. And yet, I'm the breaker of my own heart. I'm ready to settle down but i'm unsure about bringing a man into my son's life because i'm a packaged deal. If a man treats me poorly how is he gonna treat my son?

And now to the title....How can i remember to forget.

This is actually a song.  I'll post the video soon. However, we as women are overly emotional creatures.  I fight every battle because i want to understand why something is the way it is. If you are mad at me ... please tell me why and explain...don't just clam up and walk away because then i'm gonna press the issue more. health comes down to the fact that not everybody is perfect you want to think that people are perfect and that things can happen the way they're going to happen and we are going to just stop time being who we are but in the end it's a bunch of crap. you have to find who you are in yourself and we don't. I can sit here and I can drink a case of beer and feel great for a moment. But who's to say but after that moment is gone that we are going to feel something more. the song how can I remember to forget is actually from a musical go figure. Its a song about Amanda cheated on her and she's getting ready to get married only in my life I was the one that cheated. I couldn't believe the lies I couldn't believe the mind boggling stopping points. But the love was real. The love is something that doesn't ever go away. You want so much in your life to be that good person and to have those dreams and to make the plans and to have the kids and you... You forget. you forget your own aspirations you forget who you are. And in the end when a bombshell is dropped on you you don't know if he's and whether that attack that explosion. Or if you're going to walk away and stand tall. In the past couple of days there's been some things that have just rocked my world. They have been things that or unexpected, surprising, irritating and definitely heartbreaking.

the point I'm trying to make is that we don't never forget what is wrong with us. We don't never forget the love that we feel. It never goes away. I know my son was made in a moment of love what time of love I guess you could say. Who you are is who you are. my heart is so big and so full of life then I want to share it with everybody. And then return not everybody is ready to share that love with me. I've kind of made a vow to myself to to just be me. I don't care what anybody else is going to think of me. I just want to be the best mother that I can be. I want to be the best friend that I can be. I want to be the best worker that I can be. I want to be the best soldier that I can be. And if people can't handle Who I am then they don't deserve to know me the real me. I've spent too much of my life being there for everybody else and when I need somebody nobody is there. It's time to take that step to be the mom that I choose to be and to raise my son in a manner of which he still has a big heart. And I hope that in the song then I can find a way to forgive those that have broken my heart; to love those that mistreat me...and to still be the strong woman everyone sees. 

How can I remember to forget? Truth is....we never do.

Untitled- words from the heart

Let me take a second
and write whats on my heart
there isn't any sadness
it's not been torn apart
You wanted to see me
just the way i am
you wanted to be with me
even with the mistakes I've had
but you didn't want
to hear that someone cared
that someone could love you
that they could understand
you ran out the door
like the house was on fire
you shattered the depths of me
and said you didn't care
And now that i'm standing
alone on my two feet
there's something that i have to say
to end this on the right beat
maybe you aren't ready
because you don't love yourself
maybe the hurt inside you
was something you hadn't felt
the 'L' Word is dangerous
it pushes people away
but deep down I know
that you have so much more to say
I'm not afraid to wait for you
I never ever was
but this time you need to grow up
and learn to be loved
I'm not gonna walk away from you
that's not what friends do
we don't just leave you high and dry
we don't make you kiss our shoes
but for once in your life MAN UP
and hold onto what you want...
because before this year is over
I'll be long gone.

The sounds of silence

I waited for a while

to revel in the dark

to find the secret passage

to the closets of my heart

although i must admit

it's the hardest thing i've done

i still have the curiousity

of where my hurt had begun

I'm blessed beyond measure

and still i cry alone

these tears have no rhyme or reason

but i can't stop the flow

I've watched my heart get broken

time and time again

i've watched is soar with joy

with hope and true love began

I watched my heart change

when my son took his first breath

an uncanny feeling

That I am truly blessed

through all the good and bad things

there's one thing that remains....

the silence that surrounds me

even when i'm with my friends

It's a relative moment

when you get to open your eyes

to see that someone loves you

even past your dark side.

To love is the easy part

to be loved is hard

so until the one who loves me finds me

I'll wait in the sounds of silence.

We Never

WE never understand
the whisper of the wind
the way it moves right through us
sending chills dancing on our skin

We've never really seen
the sun as it begins to rise
the dawning of a new day
the fresh start that is derived

We never doubted
that first tender kiss
the one that takes our breath away
the one that makes us forget

We never really heard it
the way our children first cry
the pain and anxiety
that they are really alive

Of all the things we never notice
let this one be true
True love is a mystery
it haunts the inner you

This love is so decieving
and we long for it so much
to have that internally intimacy
that we sometimes find in a strangers touch

But no matter the person you lay
it will never be replaced
it's a silent moment
thats stops all time and space

It's a single piece of glitter
falling from the sky
it's a shooting star late at night
it's there and gone in the blink of an eye

One day you will notice
the rain on the ground
you'll see the waves crashing
it won't be a fleeting sound

That day you'll hear a hummingbird
fluttering it's wings
you'll hear the sound crickets
as they play their symphony.

Instead of focusing on the nevers
be patient for that day
the day your true love comes
and steals your heart away

The list could be just beginning
Your world will start to change
they won't always be easy
but I promise....
They Will Never Be The Same!

Anthem of an independent woman ( some language)

Hey how you doing
my face is up here
it's not on my chest
where you like to just stare
I do have a name
but you have no interest in that
all you're want to know
is when you can get sex
well let me just tell you
you got the wrong one
i'm a woman of power
not a hole to be plugged
i work for everything
that i have in this world
i need NO MAN
to change how I feel
I know that sometimes
i might fuss and might fight
but deep down inside
i'm truly alright
The smile that i wear
is not just for you
i wear if for me
imagine that?
Who knew that i was stronger
than the stereotype out there
i take care of my responsibilities
I have needs be prepared
I'm not some self centered woman
i just know where i've been
i stand on my own feet
i fight til i win
there isn't a time
that you'll see me down
because you don't know where
i've come from
you've not seen my frown
this world is cruel; shattered and torn
to think i'm your property
like a fur coat to be worn
Don't think for one second that you have any clout
just trust and believe
we'll duke it out
I know what a real man is
and obviously you aint it.
so please get to stepping
i aint got time for your shit
I want a man that wants to be kept
and come home to only me
the one that will be there
when shits rough for me
take one look in the mirror
snap a pic or two...
this woman is moving forward
and it surely aint with you.
i'm single and free
a mommy of one
i got no drama
but i'm tons of fun.
I make my own money
i pay my own bills
you keep that drink sweetie....
i'll foot that bill.
I don't need you to tell
i'm pretty and i'm cute
When the right man comes around
i'll know it, no joke
He'll treat me like a Queen
because thats what i deserve
He'll let me be me
He'll hold me when i hurt
He'll love my child truly from the depths of his heart
I aint got no shame in saying
He'd tear you apart.
I do things my way
and i know you aint the one
so just please get to stepping
because today
independence has won!

untitled poem

I feel as though my heart
is broken on the floor
we had a wonderful night
then you ran out the door
I know that I'm not
Just another notch on your belt
but with the way that i've been treated
the speculation doesn't help.
You made me feel so beautiful
Strong and at peace
But with the depression in our own lives
There were no words left to speak
I didn't think I loved you
til you said goodbye
and now i'm sitting here wondering
if i should sink or i should fly
The world around me changes
now that you aren't mine
So much that i can't breathe
So much that time has died
I wanted to come home
with your car parked out front
But you're a man of your word
I just got too drunk
I hope you can forgive me
For being who I am.
I hope that you see the real me
The mess who has a plan
The very air in my lungs seems to have gone stale
So goodbye my love, I miss you
I wish you well.

A Fairy Tale Fantasy break down

Growing up I loved to hear fairy tales. Girl meets prince- prince takes her had; kisses her; sweeps her off her feet...etc. They come up against a challenge and they fight it off together. Girl and prince live happily ever after THE END.

Lets be honest, that crap doesn't always happen. I can't say never because sometimes it does...sometimes you find the guy by chance or sometimes the man you are supposed to be with is the one you dated in high school or even sometimes it's that unexpected person you knocked over or shut the door on the elevator hehe. I'm not saying I don't believe in True Love. I've been there I know that it exists. How bout we take a second and break it on down....

Step 1.  Once Upon a time...

In the beginning this are always gonna be good. It's gonna be breath taking and it's going to be raw. It has to be the real you. Not the fake you that you show people the one that has compassion; strength; brokenness.  From my own experiences lately, i've learned that I fell for someone a long time ago. It was the unavailability of the person that kept me distanced. My precious heart didn't know what to do with it when the feelings were somewhat reciprocated. DO NOT! I REPEAT DO NOT OVER DO IT!  There is nothing wrong with falling fast but as i learned from having a HUGE heart not everyone is ready to be loved the way that you think that they should be loved. It's a process.We have no limits on when the heart and mind are in one accord and they are shooting out all the right singles...and when he just looks at you in that one way and your heart melts it's more than just an attraction. There's an emotional connection between both and maybe they don't know how to show you.
Sorry, that was a side note: back on topic.
Take things slow. Start out by hanging out and if you have kids keep kids out of the mix. Not because you are ashamed of your kids but i've learned that My son is so important to me. I want to know that someone is gonna be in my life and that someone is willing to pick up 'Some' responsibility to be around my son. Here's another side note: WOMEN THERE ARE NO OTHER PERSONS IN YOUR LIFE MORE IMPORTANT THAN YOUR CHILD! IF YOU CHOOSE A MAN OVER YOUR CHILDREN YOU ARE FREAKING WRONG!

Step 2. The story line:

Most Fairy Tales have great story lines....this story line is your own. It's yours and the person that you are datings story. What is past is past however, it is something that should be talked about. The past made you who you are and the person you are seeing should have enough respect for where you came from to be a part of all of you. It's not just the parts you like and the ones that you see. It's the WHOLE YOU. On a personal level, I've shared some really deep hurts with people and it's come back in my face. Thats a choice that i've made and that's a place that i've gone because i believe in honesty and integrity. I know, it's difficult to find honest people. Sometimes I have found that I'm too honest. I have too many emotions and i don't know how to channel how i express myself. It's all about trusting that person. You have to be able to trust that they aren't going to judge you. YOU AREN'T PERFECT! It's not about being perfect. It's about doing the best of the things you know. Being the best part of you and yet at the same time being the person that you truly are. If people don't want to see the bad than they can't handle it. I'm not saying that they won't be able to handle it in the future. Sometimes it's just about finding the right baggage to go with our baggage.

Ever have that inspiring moment when you want to break out in song? okay, well most normal people don't yet all us music nerds it's what we thrive on. We thrive on the inspiration of the world around us the emotions; the scenery...the love. That's the thing. There's a song that proves it....HSM 3. YES, I'm talking about High School Musical. But this song is called can I have this dance. It's about Trust. It's about emotions. It's about LOVE.
For men it's about being a gentlemen. It's about taking the risk to love someone through it all no matter what the odds are. It's what every single story should be about. It's a happenstance moment that changes a life. It's not gonna be easy to write your story. It's gonna be hard and there are gonna be tears and there are gonna be hard times. And you just have to take the risk. Don't be afraid to let someone in. Not every one that comes into your life is gonna break your heart. Trust yourself. On the other hand make sure that you truly love who you are. Someone that is with you should only enhance who you are not change you.

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STEP 3. The Ending....

At this point there are no endings. There are no endings unless something goes completely wrong. Because everyday a new page in your story is being written. Your fairy tale is what you make it. It's what you hope for. Don't forget that it's not gonna be like Cinderella. There are gonna be the happiest times and the worst of times. It's not about those moments. it's about how in the end you weather the storm. You have to be a unified couple. you have to work together against all odds. At the end of the day don't go to bed mad. Tomorrow is a new day. It's a great day to start fresh. If you have a problem take time to cool off and talk about it. Don't let things fester. The more things that have festering wounds the more time it takes to fix whats broken and sometimes it gets to the point of not being able to be fixed. I know i've been there multiple times. Don't be a sabotager. ( note thats not actually a word) but what i'm saying is don't deliberately hurt people. I do it. I push and where they are weak i push the envelope to the point that it's nothing again. That i not only lose my friends but i hurt them and myself in the process. I know, I'm talking to you about not doing and you're probably thinking that i'm a hypocrit. no that's not it. it's the fact that I know that i'm doing and once i'm down that road i can't get back up. the damage is already done. I have trust issues because of the past that i haven't let go of. I'm speaking to you but i'm also speaking to myself. Today i told someone i care about so much that I was deleting him from my life. My heart is BROKEN. i'm not sure that it was going to get off the ground but i burned any chance of that before i gave him a chance. I'm the one who's wrong. People mostly suck! That's the truth. But i have hope that some day we are all gonna get through the things that we are most afraid of once that right person comes along.

So for the ending.....there isn't one. because once we die....our children continue the legacy of love that we've started.....so lets do it right.